Considering that you have three young children OP, this is not simply a Yes or No decision.

I agree that the chances of an abuser changing his ways are slim.
I would give him a chance if he agreed to not only go w/me to counseling, but to also go to individual counseling for himself as well as anger management courses. This would be a lot on his plate, but if he showed me that he was sincere in getting help, stuck with it and showed change, I might stay with him.

But that would be the ONLY way.

If he simply said he would change, then did nothing about it or said he would change, then change for a day or two...Then I would leave.

Your husband sounds like a true piece of work OP.
He will need a LOT or work/therapy to get right. Unless he is willing to invest the time and effort it will take to get better, I wouldn't stay with him at all.

OP,

Does he ever mention divorce? Is he open to therapy couples AND individual? It can't hurt to explore all outcomes, including his owning up to his problem and doing behavior modification therapy. If you divorce, you will likely have to work with him to raise the children together in two households. As another poster said, the therapy could pave the groundwork for co-parenting post-divorce. The behavior you describe is terrible for you and terrible for your children. I'm so sorry.

Does he want to do the therapy?

OP, so very sorry that you're experiencing this abuse. I speak from experience when I say that abuse gets worse with time, not better. Yes, your husband may temporarily show a softer side, but will always revert to abuse when he feels pressured, insecure, fearful, angry, etc.

- The fact that he shoved you is a major red flag. I agree with the PP that you need physical distance. That doesn't mean you can't pursue therapy. It means that you need to guard your physical safety. I promise you, if he pushed you once, he will push you again. My therapist told me that abuse always escalates and I ignored her. My ex had good days when he could be so kind and loving. But inevitably, the abuse returned. And it was always a degree more vicious than before.

- Do not let fear compromise your safety. Women who are abused often stay because - and as you've read in some of the PP's posts - they are told they will never find love again, no one will want them, and/or that if they have to share custody of the children they might as well stay married. Bull shit.

They are shamed and demeaned into staying and unfortunately these messages aren't just reinforced by the abuser, but by friends, family members, and others. These messages are part of the problem, but they are also totally irrational.

Does it matter to you that you may not find a hot date right away with young children if the flip side is enduring emotional and physical abuse and subjecting your kids to that environment? You will never have the life you want with an abuser next to you. Never.

Maybe on some level you have a fear of being alone, but understand that even though you live under th same roof as your husband now, you ARE ALONE. Your husband has no doubt whittled away your self esteem and he is counting on your fear of him and fear of the unknown and the fact that you have small children to keep you where you are and under his control. I repeat, you will never have the life you want with an abuser by your side.

- Therapy is always worth it, IMO. You may decide to end your marriage anyway, but it will give you a chance to communicate with your husband in a safe space and to, at the very least, gain some clarity about what you need from him and from yourself. It can offer you the chance to build a foundation for the future for yourself and for your husband and for your kids. It can also set the stage for being reunited with your husband or for a more amicable split if that's the direction you go.

Best wishes. OP, you deserve better and so do your kids. Do what's right for you and for them and stay strong until you've got that.

I wouldn't make a decision now. If you have three young children, you have a good 15 years or so left of if not daily at least weekly contact with this guy assuming he is planning on staying active in their lives. You have no choice but to work things out at least to some degree so you can be functional coparents and to give you the best chance of moving on and having a future healthy relationship.

I am a sucker for lost causes. The shoving things is not okay and is disturbing and is abuse, physical abuse, but it is recent and isolated to that, therapy may help him. My husband was never physically abusive but he did have a two year affair when our kids were young and that is an insidious form of severe abuse, a lot of gaslighting and manipulation. But, he changed. He decided he hated the person he had become and he went to work getting at his issues and dealing with things. Nothing was off the table and it was an intense couple of years but we pulled it together and are much happier now. Anger, infidelity, emotional abuse, it all has roots in some very core places - fear of abandonment and rejection. People can climb on top of these issues. Therapy helps. It takes patience and work. I think you will want the father of your children to be less angry and fearful no matter if he is your husband or not, so I say it is worth it to give therapy a try.

I worry that it will escalate.

Hugs to you.

I"d divorce.

It sounds like this is long standing behavior OP. That is less likely to change then him acting this way following a recent stressor or situationally.

I wouldn't necessarily throw in the towel yet but I would move out so you and the kids are living in a physically and emotionally safe environment. You need that space emotionally and physically to even be able to make decisions. You can still do couples counseling and individual counseling while living apart and decide through that process if you think staying together or divorcing is the better option.

Shoving you across the room and throwing your property is not just verbally and emotionally abusive, OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I think that one way or another, you should be in therapy. You will need it to get through what is likely to be a very tough time for you.

One thing I can say as a divorced parent is that what you are going through right now, no matter what you decide to do, is just the beginning. You don't just file for divorce and the magically, you're divorced and the problems all go away. What sort of custody arrangement would you pursue if you divorced?

Been married 14 years with 3 young children. The youngest DD is 1. I am finally realizing that DH is verbally and emotionally abusive. For years I told myself that I was the cause of his outbursts and that I could control the situation by changing my behavior. I am finally realizing this is not true. He gets some kind of emotional fix by putting me down. I feel like a shell of a person. He blows up at me and then plays the victim and somehow I am always the one who ends up apologizing. If there was a line in the sand he has already crossed it. He has shoved me across the room, thrown my belongings out of the car in front our our children, and given me the silent treatment for days. I am seeing a therapist and she wants to meet with him and also with the two of us together to see where we're at and try and work things out. Is it even worth it or should I just divorce. I'd like to work things out if possible but I also know that the chances of an abuser changing his ways are slim. And please keep your responses kind as I am feeling pretty fragile right now. Thanks.