Anonymous wrote:14:52 - I think she is a bit mentally ill. Not hospitalization level, but she's off. How can I not take it personally when she knows many of my buttons and purposely pushes them?

Well, way to grasp the obvious. You give her permission to push your buttons; change your reaction. Stay for a couple of hours then leave.

Also, OP, your sister is 55 and you email your mom for "protection" from her? Grow up; you're an adult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:52 - I think she is a bit mentally ill. Not hospitalization level, but she's off. How can I not take it personally when she knows many of my buttons and purposely pushes them?

You have my sympathies, I've learned the hard way that ignoring untreated low level mental illness just to be nice/make others happy just brings the sane people down.

+1000

OP, I couldn't find in your post how far away she is. As others note, if it's fairly close you could go for a short time but be sure to have a firm and unmissable other appointment that day (and please make it a real one -- your kids will bust you if you lie and say "we have to leave after 90 minutes to go to friend X's for the rest of the day" and you have no such real plans). If you can't muster another obligation, can you muster the courage just to say, "We'll arrive at 1:00 and leave at 3:00 -- we need to be home early this year" without explanation? Sister and mother both will rake you for it, but if you can do it -- good for you.

If the distance is greater, that's your out. "It's a nice idea but we are not traveling this year for Thanksgiving." Said with a huge smile in your voice and no explanations or excuses.

I would note that you will probably have more issues with your mom than your sister. Sister is already nutty. But your mom is going to try to guilt you into this. She has already said that it's her dream to have a perfect Thanksgiving with everyone there. Are you ready to handle it when she says you're crushing that dream? Because I'd bet cash that she will. But you don't exist to fulfill her dreams for her. I think a lot depends here on how you and your mom get along and whether sister is just extremely annoying but tolerable for a few hours for mom's sake. If your sister is so toxic for you that you cannot endure her for two hours even to keep mom happy, then do not go. If you and mom get along well otherwise and you can tolerate two hours, then consider going.

Anonymous wrote:14:52 - I think she is a bit mentally ill. Not hospitalization level, but she's off. How can I not take it personally when she knows many of my buttons and purposely pushes them?

You have my sympathies, I've learned the hard way that ignoring untreated low level mental illness just to be nice/make others happy just brings the sane people down.

14:52 - I think she is a bit mentally ill. Not hospitalization level, but she's off. How can I not take it personally when she knows many of my buttons and purposely pushes them?

14:49, I'm coming to your house, and I'm bringing wine and cranberry sauce!

Don't be a doormat and don't reward bad behavior!

I agree with some of the suggestions by the pps. Limit the amount of time you spend at her house for Thanksgiving. And if you're visiting from out of town, stay in a hotel. If you give yourself permission to control how much time you spend with her, you will enjoy it more.

If she is having birthday parties for herself pretending she is five, in combination with everything else you have written, it sounds like she is mentally ill. If that is the case, then her actions aren't personal towards you, just a manifestation of her illness.

How far? Where do you stay? How often do you see them?

Learn to love the holidays. Come to our house. Bring wine. Or a pie. Or cookies. Or an appetizer. Or flowers. We pretend we're the Kennedys and have a big football game before dinner. Then we eat. There's a kids table. We are mostly Democrats. There are a bunch of lawyers and a bunch of teachers and a bunch of kids. Men clean up from dinner. We go for a walk around the neighborhood to see who is already out putting up Christmas lights. Then we come home and eat dessert. One year there was a whipped cream fight. Among adults. Then we retire to the den and play board games. Then people are sent home with little containers of leftovers that they especially liked.

So okay, we'll see you? Great. Now go tell your sister you're sorry but won't be able to attend because you've already accepted an invitation.

How far away? Drive for a few hours and go home. Or stay in hotel.

How old are the cousins? Maybe invite them only for a weekend in the summer?

It is also fine to just stay home.

How far away is she? Can you go for just one day?

How about going for just for an hour or two? Kids can see and play with their cousins. You can see your family for that limited time. Then plan something right after that so they can't talk you into staying longer. Maybe another meal at a friends place or another relative's house on the other side of the family, or volunteering somewhere. Or even some time outside of your sister's house where all the cousins can play together. She won't be able to come along because she'll be busy with hosting her own Thanksgiving Day get together. Drop off the kids after that and go home.

Tell her that you already made plans for this year. Are you in driving distance? If so, you could suggest a get together somewhere in between your locations after the holidays.

She screams at her kids, makes pointed jabs at our mom, hates our stepfather (of 30 years), and is pretty much disfunctional (can't keep a job, which is everyone else's fault, etc.) She tried to kill me with a metal pipe when we were kids (she's 10 years older than I am). I can go on and on... And my mother is basically an enabler who just wishes everyone could get along (so she can pretend that she has a "normal" family).

The sister invited the family up to her house for Thanksgiving via e-mail. My mom immediately wrote back saying Thanksgiving together would be a dream come true. I privately wrote back to my mom that her looking out for my and my family's health and best interests would be a dream come true.

Anyway, what to do? It would be nice for the cousins to see their cousins. I don't really want my sister at my house (where she can complain about my lifestyle, and be simultaneously jealous and hurtful.)

She's 55. She acts like she's five (and even has birthday parties for herself saying that she's five!).

I hate the holidays. Have been avoiding them for years.