Anonymous wrote:There are many issues here OP
-your Dh is out at a bar every night
-your DH goes to a gay bar
-your Dh provides more support to friends than to family
-your DH doesn't want to do things as a family
-your DH spends very little time at home engaged with you as family or with his son
-you are having to make excuses for your DH

What do you think the real issue is?

I know things aren't good. I don't know what the real issue is. I'm trying to figure it out.

There are many issues here OP
-your Dh is out at a bar every night
-your DH goes to a gay bar
-your Dh provides more support to friends than to family
-your DH doesn't want to do things as a family
-your DH spends very little time at home engaged with you as family or with his son
-you are having to make excuses for your DH

What do you think the real issue is?

I am not a troll. True, at night I want some quiet time. I'd like to spend evenings with DH with a glass of wine. I don;t want to go to bars. I just gave the bar info and the details about his other social outlets to show that he does socialize. He just doesn't do it with other couples or families.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes the fact that it is a gay bar and he is hanging out with other guys supporting their feelings sounds decidedly not like an issue about not wanting to be around your family.

He is avoiding being around you. Maybe he is gay or bi-curious and is trying to "figure it out" which would be hard for a married guy with a kid to address much less face the family of his wife.

How can I tell if he's bi curious?

Is there no part of you that suspects this? How long have you known him?

I grew up with gay couples as close famliy friends, but I frankly know of NO heterosexual men who hang out EVERY NIGHT at a gay bar. I would say that is one way you can tell he might be bi-curious.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have been to the bar. I suppose I could theoretically go with him but someone has to be home with DC. I have to be up early, so by the time DH goes out I'm too tired to do anything.

OP- what is up with this? You could theoretically go with him? Yes theoretically you could have your family watch your kid so you can go with DH to a bar- but it soudns like you dont want to.

Do you want to spend time alone with him? Does not sound like it. Most spouses who want their spouses attention do not either go to a bar every night or just accept that the other spouse does until they are no longer awake.

Please explain your actual problem. You are not being clear in describing the underlying problem and you will be accused of being a troll any moment now because it does not sound credible.

Im chosing to believe you are just not aware of how much you are leaving out in your description and how that seems to others reading it: avoidant. Like your DH

Anonymous wrote:Yes the fact that it is a gay bar and he is hanging out with other guys supporting their feelings sounds decidedly not like an issue about not wanting to be around your family.

He is avoiding being around you. Maybe he is gay or bi-curious and is trying to "figure it out" which would be hard for a married guy with a kid to address much less face the family of his wife.

How can I tell if he's bi curious?

Anonymous wrote:No, its not normal for a married man with a child to be at the bar every night and come home after his wife is asleep.

Or, I should say, its definitely not healthy

It sounds like he is avoiding being around you. I mean, that seems kind of obvious at least in how you put things. Then its no surprise he should not want to come to family events if he is avoidning you.

Does he never go to the bar with you? Do you have date nights? This all sounds not very good at all.

+1

None of this is normal.

OP here. I have been to the bar. I suppose I could theoretically go with him but someone has to be home with DC. I have to be up early, so by the time DH goes out I'm too tired to do anything.

Yes the fact that it is a gay bar and he is hanging out with other guys supporting their feelings sounds decidedly not like an issue about not wanting to be around your family.

He is avoiding being around you. Maybe he is gay or bi-curious and is trying to "figure it out" which would be hard for a married guy with a kid to address much less face the family of his wife.

Sometimes, if I awaken briefly, I smell alcohol on his breath. . . . The place he goes to is largely gay with a straight contingent.

That smell on his breath? That's not alcohol.

Your husband goes to a gay bar every night, and you're worried that he's being rude?

<headdesk>

No, its not normal for a married man with a child to be at the bar every night and come home after his wife is asleep.

Or, I should say, its definitely not healthy

It sounds like he is avoiding being around you. I mean, that seems kind of obvious at least in how you put things. Then its no surprise he should not want to come to family events if he is avoidning you.

Does he never go to the bar with you? Do you have date nights? This all sounds not very good at all.

Rude and not normal.

I think he's cheating on you. No it is not normal. Something more is going on. I'd go to the bar or use find my friends or another tracking device.

DH goes out to a bar every night. I'm usually asleep when he comes home. Sometimes, if I awaken briefly, I smell alcohol on his breath. I don't think he drinks excessively because when I am up when he returns, he appears to be sober. The place he goes to is largely gay with a straight contingent.

In any event, he has something of a social life at the bar. He's had other friends here and there too. He takes the needs of his freind seriously and is very helpful to them. If I were to ask for similar favors, DH would likely comply, but he would complain and grumble. DH also goes to class reunions and to NYC every so often on his own or with a friend. He gets together with a college friend in Vegas every year.

When it comes to socializing that I initiate, he's very reluctant unless he knows and likes the people. It's hard to get to know people, however, if you refuse to meet them. It's hard to sicialize as a couple because DH is so reluctant. What is more difficult is the extreme avoidance of socializing as a family. When we are invited to join other families, DH never wants to. He might go after an argument or me begging because such things are good for DC. There is a family that's been trying to have us over for dinner. I try to put them off because I'm likely going to have to attend without DH. Quite often only DC and I show up and I make an excuse for DH. I find this situation truly humiliating.

I would like a social life, especially for the family...

Another problem is that he whines and complains about somewhat weekly dinners with my family. He usually arrives late. Other times he says he has to work even though it's the weekend and these dinners only entail a couple of hours. I feel ashamed.

DH also acts like he's doing me a favor by taking DC to extracurriculars becuase he so "busy." He's no more busy than anyone else in this town.

What shall I do? How do others percieve the situation? I try to pretend everything is OK, but inside I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and die when I attend a fasmily-type event such as a lunch without him although he's in town and available. When people make an effort to cook for you and host you, it's so rude not to show up...

Also, is going out to a bar every night normal for a married man with a child?