Yeah, unless you won't be able to pay food, utils, and mortgage payment, etc, which is doesnt sound like is the case, he should go home if he wants to.

She's acting like Bethenny Frankel if anyone knows where I'm coming from.

Frankly I think you're being disgusting, OP. Your DH may need the funeral to provide some closure about his grandfathers death, or may feel the need to be around family at that time. I'm a bit appalled that somebody would feel the need to question if attending the funeral of a close family member is worth the financial cost/time commitment. Sad.

OP here.

Re prior conversations - yes, in fact, it was not the only reason but we did structure our summer vacation (which was very expensive to the point that we do this only every 2-3 years) around a trip to see DH family, including building into a very busy schedule unrushed time for him to visit on his own with his grandfather and say goodbye. About 5 years ago, doctors told the family that grandfather only had a few days to live - and DH flew over then to say goodbye (and attend funeral). Well, doctors were wrong then. (We don't think doctors are wrong now - grandfather is no longer lucid and receiving ever increasing doses of morphine).

So, yes, I do feel different today than 5 years ago - he did say goodbye to grandfather just 3 months ago. Attending the funeral is about being there for the rest of the family (which he saw 3 months ago) and for his father (who is coming to visit in December). At the time of the false alarm trip 5 years ago, he had not seen his extended family or grandfather for 2 years at that point.

It will not mean no Xmas presents for the family. Actually, what I told DH is that I feel uncomfortable because we have no family budget. If we had a budget, it would actually be easier for me to not worry about the money. I would know what we'd budgeted and then where the money is coming from. We've had very unpredictable and complicated taxes for the past few years. I'm not sure we are withholding enough (we had a lot of changes since last year too). Last year we had a massive tax bill.

Let him go, you don't want future hard feeling about this when he remembers this time.

I'm sympathetic to the OP here, though I am not sure what the right call is to make. OP, did you and DH discuss this when you made travel plans this summer? As in, did you consciously make the choice to go see him when he was alive knowing that might mean that you wouldn't make it to a funeral? Did you discuss funeral travel at all before it came to now, the time of his dying? If you have previous conversations to reference, that would be helpful.

If it really means the difference between you and your family having a vacation together in the next year (in terms of vacation time and money), I might gently urge my DH not to go...but it would to be a pretty big sacrifice for the family for me to do that.

OP, $2k is a lot of money. Only you know how that will impact your family. If its like "no gifts for Christmas" then I don't think you are petty.

If its just an abstract savings goal or extra vacation, then yes, maybe a little petty. But I agree with you that at some point your husband needs to accept that his family is not in Pennsylvania.

Definitely leave the choice to your DH.

Anonymous wrote:Petty, no, but extremely insensitive and miserly, yes. If he wants to go and you all have the means, he should be there.

agree with this. You sound incredibly cold.

I think you are. Unless your DH was not close to his grandfather at all, you need to support him. My father and I were not close at all and he died out of country, I was conflicted as to whether I should go to the funeral and my DH supported me even though our finances weren't strong. I'm so glad I went and I'm grateful that I didn't have to choose because of my DH's disapproval.

Petty, no, but extremely insensitive and miserly, yes. If he wants to go and you all have the means, he should be there.

Definitely miserly.

Yes, kind of petty if your husband wants to be there.

Yeah, you are.

DH's grandfather will probably die in the next few days (less likely within weeks). DH wants to attend the funeral. This will likely cost $2000 (roughly) in airfare and DH will need to use up in the vicinity of 3-5 precious vacation days.

Am I being petty to question whether this trip is really worth it? We travelled to DH's home country this summer where DH got to see his grandfather who thankfully was having a good day and was able to have a nice conversation with DH, knew him, etc. DH also visited with his family on this trip. DH's parents are coming here for Xmas.

It seems like (to me) sometimes you need to accept that you live half a world away and it's just not always the right choice to be there. I missed my grandfather's funeral for same reason while I was studying abroad. I'm not saying that just because I missed my grandfather's funeral, he needs to miss his grandfather's. But just that even it would be possible financially (possible but not without consequences, eg for our family plans for the year), it might not be the right choice.

DH thinks I'm being miserly. Maybe I am.