Anonymous
10/29/2013 11:24
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Anonymous wrote:OP here- No one will visit us. We have two weeks annual leave yearly, so scraping together 4 days a year (we get Xmas off anyways) to visit wife's family once every other year is all we can manage.
Husband's family gets birthdays, mother's/father's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and every other Christmas. Is it unreasonable to not have to celebrate with them every other year?
They won't make visiting you a priority but you are pressed about making your visit to them a priority?
Anonymous
10/29/2013 11:23
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Good grief, that is insane, OP! I would talk to DH about cutting back on all the trips year-round. Figure out which one's matter most and cut back on others...set a rough total of trips you are willing to make a year--4 to 6 sounds like plenty if you are up for a whole weekend.
Start with Mother's Day. Send MIL flowers, and enjoy that weekend as you wish.
Start with Mother's Day. Send MIL flowers, and enjoy that weekend as you wish.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 11:23
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you have to draw your own boundaries. If it were me I'd say something along the lines of 'we can't travel to both families each year so will be alternating, but would love to have you come see us here in DC' and let the chips fall where they will. If that means kids don't get presents from that set of grandparents, oh well - I'm sure they'll have plenty more.
And my answer might be different if the other half of the family made more effort. I am willing to make a lot of effort to see various parts of our family because the effort is returned - my parents would routinely drive to visit when we lived 5 hours away, and for Thanksgiving will be making their 3rd trip to come see us since we moved a plane flight away in January (plus I brought the kids to them for a long visit in the summer.)
I realize we're lucky in that they are retired and have both the time and money to be able to make that work. But still - the point is that if DH's family really wanted to see you, they could make the effort to travel, it shouldn't always be you.
Very true. Thank you. I'm hoping to have some good points to bring up with my spouse.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 11:20
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Sometimes you have to draw your own boundaries. If it were me I'd say something along the lines of 'we can't travel to both families each year so will be alternating, but would love to have you come see us here in DC' and let the chips fall where they will. If that means kids don't get presents from that set of grandparents, oh well - I'm sure they'll have plenty more.
And my answer might be different if the other half of the family made more effort. I am willing to make a lot of effort to see various parts of our family because the effort is returned - my parents would routinely drive to visit when we lived 5 hours away, and for Thanksgiving will be making their 3rd trip to come see us since we moved a plane flight away in January (plus I brought the kids to them for a long visit in the summer.)
I realize we're lucky in that they are retired and have both the time and money to be able to make that work. But still - the point is that if DH's family really wanted to see you, they could make the effort to travel, it shouldn't always be you.
And my answer might be different if the other half of the family made more effort. I am willing to make a lot of effort to see various parts of our family because the effort is returned - my parents would routinely drive to visit when we lived 5 hours away, and for Thanksgiving will be making their 3rd trip to come see us since we moved a plane flight away in January (plus I brought the kids to them for a long visit in the summer.)
I realize we're lucky in that they are retired and have both the time and money to be able to make that work. But still - the point is that if DH's family really wanted to see you, they could make the effort to travel, it shouldn't always be you.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 11:11
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Husband's family gets birthdays, mother's/father's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and every other Christmas. Is it unreasonable to not have to celebrate with them every other year?
No, not unreasonable at all.
Good grief, when do you celebrate special events at home? I'd hate to have to travel all the time for holidays or events--even 4 hours is too long when you have kids to cart around.
We don't get to celebrate anything at home. Even DH's birthday gets celebrated at his parent's home (they will keep our gifts until the next time we visit, then have cake and grandparents over). We've lived in DC for almost 6 years and my family has visited twice, and his once.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 11:08
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Husband's family gets birthdays, mother's/father's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and every other Christmas. Is it unreasonable to not have to celebrate with them every other year?
No, not unreasonable at all.
It's not unreasonable at all, unless Husband's family is unreasonable. Sounds like they are. And at 4 hours, that's not a terrible weekend trip - not a fun relaxing weekend trip, but it's doable.
The only way out of it is for husband to flat out say, we're not coming this year, can't swing it, so sorry, we'll put our presents to you in the mail. ANd then take the shitstorm that comes - once you get through it once it'll be easier.
(and, I agree with a PP - it IS unreasonable for wife's family to be upset husband's closer family gets more holidays. It is what it is.)
Anonymous
10/29/2013 11:08
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Husband's family gets birthdays, mother's/father's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and every other Christmas. Is it unreasonable to not have to celebrate with them every other year?
No, not unreasonable at all.
Good grief, when do you celebrate special events at home? I'd hate to have to travel all the time for holidays or events--even 4 hours is too long when you have kids to cart around.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 11:03
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Anonymous wrote:Husband's family gets birthdays, mother's/father's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and every other Christmas. Is it unreasonable to not have to celebrate with them every other year?
No, not unreasonable at all.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 11:02
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
OP here- No one will visit us. We have two weeks annual leave yearly, so scraping together 4 days a year (we get Xmas off anyways) to visit wife's family once every other year is all we can manage.
Husband's family gets birthdays, mother's/father's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and every other Christmas. Is it unreasonable to not have to celebrate with them every other year?
Husband's family gets birthdays, mother's/father's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and every other Christmas. Is it unreasonable to not have to celebrate with them every other year?
Anonymous
10/29/2013 10:58
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Have Christmas at home.
People want to visit, let them.
People want to visit, let them.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 10:58
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Easy.
Once your kids get old enough to really be into Santa (4-ish), you stay home for Christmas.
As soon as school starts, you only have 10 days or so for the break, if you spend the whole time travelling the kids will be exhausted when school starts again.
We asked our kids after years of carting them back and forth over hill and dell, and they told us they loved seeing grandparents and cousins, but they wanted to be home at Christmas so Santa could come down our chimney.
They asked to visit during summer vacation instead of Christmas.
Once your kids get old enough to really be into Santa (4-ish), you stay home for Christmas.
As soon as school starts, you only have 10 days or so for the break, if you spend the whole time travelling the kids will be exhausted when school starts again.
We asked our kids after years of carting them back and forth over hill and dell, and they told us they loved seeing grandparents and cousins, but they wanted to be home at Christmas so Santa could come down our chimney.
They asked to visit during summer vacation instead of Christmas.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 10:58
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Oh, well thanks Larla, but we're doing Christmas with Allison's family this year.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 10:57
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
Hello, is this my husband? Well, no, as his family is 2 hours away.
It makes me nuts, but We.Must.Celebrate.With.Them.
Period end of discussion. I just give in. But I refuse to give in to Christmas at our own home. If we go to my parents, we go after Christmas itself. If we go to husbands, we leave Christmas Day (later) and get there for dinner. Hey, everyone has to draw their own line, and that's mine.
It makes me nuts, but We.Must.Celebrate.With.Them.
Period end of discussion. I just give in. But I refuse to give in to Christmas at our own home. If we go to my parents, we go after Christmas itself. If we go to husbands, we leave Christmas Day (later) and get there for dinner. Hey, everyone has to draw their own line, and that's mine.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 10:56
Subject: Re:Saying no to two Christmases
What IS unreasonable is wife's family getting upset if you also celebrate with husband's family.
Anonymous
10/29/2013 10:54
Subject: Saying no to two Christmases
(I know this is early but we're making our Christmas plans now.)
If you all go away for Christmas to see wife's side of the family (across country), do you still have to have a 2nd Christmas with husband's closer/ 4 hour drive away family? I ask because normally I'm just stressed and over Christmas after traveling and visiting for a week. I normally just need to decompress and relax and it's very stressful to have to travel again the second we get home.
Husband's closer family will keep calling us and saying "let us know when you want to come up and celebrate!"
Wife's family that's across the country gets upset that husband's family technically is still getting Christmas yearly (as well as every holiday since they're closer) and makes bitter comments about it. On years we don't get to see wife's family, they just mail gifts or we don't exchange presents which is much less stressful.
Is this unreasonable to only want to do one Christmas a year? How would we let husband's family know we're not coming for a 2nd Christmas?
If you all go away for Christmas to see wife's side of the family (across country), do you still have to have a 2nd Christmas with husband's closer/ 4 hour drive away family? I ask because normally I'm just stressed and over Christmas after traveling and visiting for a week. I normally just need to decompress and relax and it's very stressful to have to travel again the second we get home.
Husband's closer family will keep calling us and saying "let us know when you want to come up and celebrate!"
Wife's family that's across the country gets upset that husband's family technically is still getting Christmas yearly (as well as every holiday since they're closer) and makes bitter comments about it. On years we don't get to see wife's family, they just mail gifts or we don't exchange presents which is much less stressful.
Is this unreasonable to only want to do one Christmas a year? How would we let husband's family know we're not coming for a 2nd Christmas?