Anonymous wrote:
I truly did not think I was witch-hunting. I truly wanted to help. I think what she needed more than validation was the "tough love" approach to start to see how she could make the best of the situation or else get out of it. But yes, I was frustrated when her thread got pulled after I spent so much time, and I was frustrated again when my thread got pulled.

I can understand your frustration and I sympathize with readers who devote energy to a thread and then see that thread removed. As I mentioned, the OP originally contacted me through the "report" button the day before she started this thread. Rather than make a knee-jerk reaction to remove the thread, I waited two days in order to find time to review the thread and make an informed decision. On balance, I decided that the potential harm to an individual outweighed the potential benefit that could have been derived from the thread.

It is an interesting question as to whether other users or the moderator (me) have a responsibility to protect users from themselves. I don't think other users have such a responsibility, but doing so out of kindness would not be objectionable. Similarly, I don't think I have that responsibility. But, I do recognize that people make mistakes. The question then becomes should I ignore the fact that an individual's private challenges -- in this case an unhappy marriage -- might be revealed when with a simple click of my mouse I can eliminate the risk? In this case, I decided to eliminate the risk.

I'm the "other OP" whose thread you characterize as a witch hunt. What you describe is certainly one way to interpret it. I see it much differently. An anonymous forum is anonymous only so far as people divulge what others need to know to understand the situation but is not so specific as to be identifiable or to link that poster to prior threads. She was indiscreet in being overly specific about exact jobs, exact incomes, exact age of child, and more... in each of her threads. As I wrote in my thread, I did not go to great lengths to connect the dots; I ran a three-word search related to her career situation and bingo, everything was there. So... is it the burden of the responders and the site administrator to protect her from herself, or is it her burden to write posts with essentials that are not overly specific? I still think it is grossly unfair to the many readers and writers who invest themselves in a thread to pull it because a poster starts to regret what he or she has posted. You are only anonymous until you out yourself, so don't out yourself. And if you realize you have done so, point to the specific message(s) that you request to be deleted; don't pull an entire lengthy thread. And don't repeat the same identifying details in thread after thread if you don't want people to connect the dots!

By the way, ironically, I did identify in each of her threads with the details she should not have shared. I am in her same career and took several years off to stay at home. My ex-husband was in the identical career position of her husband. I did 99% of the child raising, whether I was SAH or back in my career. At least my husband was kind and reasonably emotionally supportive. But with vastly different priorities, eventually we divorced and are both happily remarried, and our kids are unscathed.

I truly did not think I was witch-hunting. I truly wanted to help. I think what she needed more than validation was the "tough love" approach to start to see how she could make the best of the situation or else get out of it. But yes, I was frustrated when her thread got pulled after I spent so much time, and I was frustrated again when my thread got pulled.

jsteele wrote:If I started threads consisting of links to your previous posts and joined with the other users in criticizing your behavior, I am pretty sure that you would have very little concern for women trying to tell their husbands about those threads. I am quite sure that you would see that as a violation of your privacy.

The primary reason that DCUM allows anonymous posting is precisely to avoid a poster's posting history being used to create a composite of them which can lead to identification. It should be pretty obvious to all users that we are not going to allow DCUM to be used to conduct witch hunts. This is particularly true where personal issues such as marriage difficulties are concerned. I don't care how many husbands have to have disappointing mornings as a result.

While your intention may have been "trying to help people see their own relationship dynamics", the second thread was received as threatening and intimidating and has actually scared the user off from DCUM. So, you won't have to worry about her repeating the same sort of post again.

I was interested in OPs research. It's intriguing, to say the least. Also startling the lengths she went to in collecting and evaluating. But I appreciate your point about protecting posters from the kind of relentless investigation that makes people reluctant to share. I prefer the kind of forum where everyone can post without someone tracking us from thread to thread.

If I started threads consisting of links to your previous posts and joined with the other users in criticizing your behavior, I am pretty sure that you would have very little concern for women trying to tell their husbands about those threads. I am quite sure that you would see that as a violation of your privacy.

The primary reason that DCUM allows anonymous posting is precisely to avoid a poster's posting history being used to create a composite of them which can lead to identification. It should be pretty obvious to all users that we are not going to allow DCUM to be used to conduct witch hunts. This is particularly true where personal issues such as marriage difficulties are concerned. I don't care how many husbands have to have disappointing mornings as a result.

While your intention may have been "trying to help people see their own relationship dynamics", the second thread was received as threatening and intimidating and has actually scared the user off from DCUM. So, you won't have to worry about her repeating the same sort of post again.

Yes, why was PP's thread deleted?

I am the other OP who started another thread Saturday afternoon on the non-explicit forum about the thread that got deleted. The title of my thread was: "thread deleted - you SAH so you don't get a break." (I had spent considerable time composing the last message, or one of the last messages, on the 28-page thread.) I truly do not understand why my thread also got deleted, Saturday evening. I would really like to understand so that I do not waste my time in the future writing posts that are just going to vanish.

I thought my thread had value for those of us who were invested in the thread to get some closure; at least two moms responded on the thread that they had read my other post in the wee hours and had wanted to show it to their husbands, who had also gotten involved in the thread, but the thread was gone when their husbands awoke. They were glad I had reposted.

I do not think it is fair to characterize those who are or were invested in a thread as "interested in a sideline seat for the mommy wars." I have zero interest in mommy wars. I do have interest in trying to help people see their own relationship dynamics from a point of view that is both compassionate and dispassionate. I am not here to judge people or take sides. I am not here to expose people. In this case, as has been noted by the PP, the poster had posted several times over the past couple of years with nearly the same problem and identifying information. It wasn't as if she wrote in a passionate frenzy and didn't realize what she was saying.

While this thread had turned into a full on mommy war, this poster has chosen to post several times over the years with nearly the same problem and identifying information. It seems unreasonable for her to ask that her post be deleted, presumably because she didn't like the way it was trending. Her previous posts had trended the same direction, why does she keep posting!

I was not able to find the time to read the entire thread which was 28 pages this morning. I did read enough to convince myself that the world would not be worse off without the thread's existence. If someone is interested in a sideline seat for the mommy wars, I'm sure there are other threads that will suffice. So, I've removed this one.

Yesterday, the OP made another request to remove this thread. While I am frequently sympathetic to those who want threads removed because too much personal information was disclosed, I was not prepared to immediately remove what was then a 21 page thread (and is now even longer). As others have pointed out, many people have likely devoted significant effort to a thread that long and it is not fair to them to cavalierly remove it. I did move the thread to a more appropriate forum.

So far, I have not had a chance to read the thread. Once I do, I'll decide whether it is more appropriate to remove select messages or remove the entire thread. My goal is to be fair to both the OP and to those who invested the effort to respond to her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not op, but I disagree. It's been up for a while, she has read it, why does it need to stay up forever?

Agree. It's not like it has some kind of informational value for people to search it.

Although I do think it's odd that OP kept returning and returning to add more identifying info, and then all of a sudden changed her mind.

Anonymous wrote:Not op, but I disagree. It's been up for a while, she has read it, why does it need to stay up forever?

Agree. It's not like it has some kind of informational value for people to search it.

Not op, but I disagree. It's been up for a while, she has read it, why does it need to stay up forever?

It's really tiresome when someone posts a thread, we all spend time responding to it (giving advice, etc.) and then the OP asks to have it deleted. It really defeats the purpose of this forum.

Yeah, but your thread has legs.

I'm the OP. Could you please delete this thread? Too much identifying info. http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/338614.page