When she is being bossy and screaming you give her choices?

If she is rude to grandma and doesn't want her there, you accept her rudeness and say then grandma won't come.

I think you need an objective opinion on how your daughter treats others.

Maybe she is quite bratty and maybe your mother is difficult.

Do you say no to your daughter or are in the positive praise only camp? Does your mother see you discipline your DD when she is acting inappropriately or are you disciplining her away from your mother so she doesn't judge? If so, it may seem to your mother like she gets away with everything.

OP, you mom is wrong to call your daughter a brat or a diva, especially in front of her. However, I can see how your mom viewed your response as a parenting fail - your daughter says she doesn't want grandma to come, and you say, ok, if you are going to be rude then, she won't come? That's what your kid wanted in the first place, not a punishment. You don't necessarily need to punish her, having a talk with her about how she would feel in grandma's situation would be a good starting point.

FWIW, my inlaws pretty clearly favor DS's cousin - she is quiet and sedate and DS is hyperactive. DS doesn't seem to care, he loves attention from anyone in any amount, so I try not to let it bother me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question....
As the black sheep kid in my family, maybe I am transferring.
But are you sure that your son is this naturally easy going kid and that your daughter is bossy? I think a LOT of times moms are easier and give in more to their sons, and then say, "he's so easy going!" And daughters have to fight more to get what they want, because parents hold them to higher standards of behavior, are more likely to dote on their sons etc.
Sounds like you are developing a "bad kid" and "good kid" pattern. Your soon is the good kid, your daughter feels she will never attain that, and so acts out to get her way. Might want to dig deep and see if you are subtlety favoring your son.

I should add, part of the reason I think this is that your mom certainly seems to fall into this old school pattern of favoring the son. D you have brothers? What was your role in your family and how did your mother value/treat you?

I didn't have any brothers (phew!) and i think you are right. She has 3 younger brothers and even admits that she is more likely to favor boys. But she still thinks her reactions are justified here.

Your mom is passive-aggressive towards you by using your daughter as the pawn. She's got issues with you, perhaps with how she raised you, she might be jealous that you have an opportunity now to raise a daughter, and she's trying to undercut you by making these unfortunate comments. She's trying to do a mental power play on you, and it sounds like you're falling for it. Tell her to knock it off and that you won't be putting up with that anymore, and stick to your guns. She may not like it, but she'll need to deal with it or face the consequences.

Anonymous wrote:I have a question....
As the black sheep kid in my family, maybe I am transferring.
But are you sure that your son is this naturally easy going kid and that your daughter is bossy? I think a LOT of times moms are easier and give in more to their sons, and then say, "he's so easy going!" And daughters have to fight more to get what they want, because parents hold them to higher standards of behavior, are more likely to dote on their sons etc.
Sounds like you are developing a "bad kid" and "good kid" pattern. Your soon is the good kid, your daughter feels she will never attain that, and so acts out to get her way. Might want to dig deep and see if you are subtlety favoring your son.

Honestly I don't see it as such - my mother does. DS can be as stubborn as a mule sometimes and once he has dug in on an issue, forget it. But in general, he is much more likely to go with the flow on any issue. He is much less aware of the world around him and thus doesn't also doesn't get upset by the same triggers she has. His behavior, all in all, is more manageable than hers. I honestly think a lot of it stems from the gender differences - she is so aware of who is in the room and what they are doing that it causes her some stress. I think he, as perhaps a less social creature is focused only a on a few things at a time - things that he can generally control.

Anonymous wrote:I have a question....
As the black sheep kid in my family, maybe I am transferring.
But are you sure that your son is this naturally easy going kid and that your daughter is bossy? I think a LOT of times moms are easier and give in more to their sons, and then say, "he's so easy going!" And daughters have to fight more to get what they want, because parents hold them to higher standards of behavior, are more likely to dote on their sons etc.
Sounds like you are developing a "bad kid" and "good kid" pattern. Your soon is the good kid, your daughter feels she will never attain that, and so acts out to get her way. Might want to dig deep and see if you are subtlety favoring your son.

I should add, part of the reason I think this is that your mom certainly seems to fall into this old school pattern of favoring the son. D you have brothers? What was your role in your family and how did your mother value/treat you?

I have a question....
As the black sheep kid in my family, maybe I am transferring.
But are you sure that your son is this naturally easy going kid and that your daughter is bossy? I think a LOT of times moms are easier and give in more to their sons, and then say, "he's so easy going!" And daughters have to fight more to get what they want, because parents hold them to higher standards of behavior, are more likely to dote on their sons etc.
Sounds like you are developing a "bad kid" and "good kid" pattern. Your soon is the good kid, your daughter feels she will never attain that, and so acts out to get her way. Might want to dig deep and see if you are subtlety favoring your son.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's kind of normal not to enjoy being around a kid that you find behaves like a brat. I think I would ask my mom what she means about your daughter being a diva. Sometimes when you live with someone you can't see what they are really like. Maybe your mom is seeing things that you're missing or not giving enough significance to. And, I wouldn't take comfort on what teachers and others outside your family think because most kids behave really well in school and with others. Clearly your daughter isn't ok with your mom is she's being mean.

Oh, she has no problem telling me! She thinks DD is bossy and makes everyone do things the way she wants them to. She is bossy, she can scream from time to time. But I don't believe that we let her get away with it. What we don't do is to shame, humiliate her or yell (which was my mother's MO). We give her choices and let her sort it out.

I would tell kid that grandma is coming along and she needs to deal with it. OP, you're giving too much control to your kid. That said, grandma needs to mhob. I think she may be right about some things but it's your family and she needs to butt out.

I think it's kind of normal not to enjoy being around a kid that you find behaves like a brat. I think I would ask my mom what she means about your daughter being a diva. Sometimes when you live with someone you can't see what they are really like. Maybe your mom is seeing things that you're missing or not giving enough significance to. And, I wouldn't take comfort on what teachers and others outside your family think because most kids behave really well in school and with others. Clearly your daughter isn't ok with your mom is she's being mean.

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my mother to stop calling my child names. Brat? Diva? No. Unacceptable. My mother is an adult and I expect her to behave maturely. Making passive-aggressive comments is completely unacceptable.

Your kid is fine. Personally, I wouldn't have punished your DD at all for saying she didn't want someone who was mean to her to come with her to an activity at all. She was expressing a reasonable feeling. I would however, have spoken to her later to explain that in the future that's something she tells us privately rather than in front of the other person, to avoid making them feel badly. Your "punishment" was actually a reward to your DD because she said "I don't want this person around me" and your punishment was "Fine, then she's not coming with you to your thing." Your DD probably internalized that as, "Great! I got what I want!"

But make no mistake - your DD is just fine.

Yeah, your interpretation is probably correct. I didn't see it at the time (because generally she WANT's someone's attention!)

Anonymous wrote:Does your mother live close by? How often do you see her?

I would tell her that you will not tolerate her playing favorites or criticizing your parenting skills or DD. if she can't keep it to herself then she can't spend time with your kids.

Only you know whether anything your mom says has any truth (with regard to DD and her behavior).

She visits 3-4 times per year from the Midwest. DD definitely has her moments of poor behavior, for sure. I honestly don't think she's a badly behaved kid overall, however.

I would tell my mother to stop calling my child names. Brat? Diva? No. Unacceptable. My mother is an adult and I expect her to behave maturely. Making passive-aggressive comments is completely unacceptable.

Your kid is fine. Personally, I wouldn't have punished your DD at all for saying she didn't want someone who was mean to her to come with her to an activity at all. She was expressing a reasonable feeling. I would however, have spoken to her later to explain that in the future that's something she tells us privately rather than in front of the other person, to avoid making them feel badly. Your "punishment" was actually a reward to your DD because she said "I don't want this person around me" and your punishment was "Fine, then she's not coming with you to your thing." Your DD probably internalized that as, "Great! I got what I want!"

But make no mistake - your DD is just fine.

Does your mother live close by? How often do you see her?

I would tell her that you will not tolerate her playing favorites or criticizing your parenting skills or DD. if she can't keep it to herself then she can't spend time with your kids.

Only you know whether anything your mom says has any truth (with regard to DD and her behavior).

My DD is 3.5, with a twin brother. By all accounts, she is a normal, well-behaved kid (as judged by her teachers, other parents) though she can be stubborn and throws tantrums now and then. She can be very bossy, for sure, and demanding. She is 3 and that seems to be par for the course. Her brother is the world's most easy-going and happy kid, and thus slightly easier to parent.

Now then, my mother favors my son quite directly. She will make passive aggressive comments about how much of a brat or a diva DD is within earshot. She claims she does not do this, but she does. I believe as a direct result, DD doesn't trust my mother and is frosty towards her.

Yesterday we had an incident in which DD told my mother she did not want her coming with us to an activity. I said, fine DD. If you are going to be rude, your grandmother is going to watch your brother's activity instead because you are saying mean things. That seemed like a natural consequence to me.

My mother was appalled and said that she felt I should have come down much harder on DD, and told her she wasn't getting her way. She went on to say that she thinks DD runs our household, that we never say no to her and that she is the most entitled kid she every met. "I worry for your family" I believe was a direct quote.

She was rude. In retrospect I probably should have told DD that if she was going to be rude then she wasn't going to go to the activity at all, but I didn't think of it at the time.

Anyhow, this is a long story, but I don't know what to do. I want my daughter and my mother to be close - but so far I think DD's reactions are due to my mother's judginess. When I explain this to my mother she thinks I am making excuses for poor behavior and that she has been doing nice things for DD, so I am wrong. (Like going to the zoo with the kids and the nanny.)

What should I or can I do? Am I raising a juvenile delinquent? I am just so sad.