Anonymous
10/18/2013 15:27
Subject: Re:Compassion- when its needed most
You just devoted quite a bit of your post to someone you claim to think "nothing" about -- and attributing adjectives to describe that person. It seems like you think "something".
You also spend a lot of time posting about how happy you are now. Just a bit too much to be convincing.
You also spend a lot of time posting about how happy you are now. Just a bit too much to be convincing.
Anonymous
10/18/2013 14:26
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
I posted on another thread yesterday, sharing my experience divorcing from a verbally and emotionally abusive spouse. I was trying to let the OP know that sometimes good people (and go ahead and call me self-righteous again) wind up in bad situations. I made a bad choice, despite being put together in most every other aspect of my life. Could stand to lose a few pounds, but I'm always working on that!
Anyway, someone posted directly to me, saying they hoped my kids killed me in my sleep. I still can't believe someone would post that -- how utterly ridiculous! I think nothing of the person. I did say that I assume they are miserable and clearly have too much time on their hands.
Hopefully most of the people who post here can sift through the bullshit and take what they can from other poster's experience. Blunt advice is different than spewing venom. I remember posting right when I decided to separate -- saying how scared I was, how I worried about my kids, sharing custody and everything else that comes with the decision. Several years out, I have a much different perspective -- but I want to help someone who comes here looking for some perspective. I thought twice about contributing after yesterday. Which is just sad considering I know I needed some advice from people other than my family and friends.
Anyway, someone posted directly to me, saying they hoped my kids killed me in my sleep. I still can't believe someone would post that -- how utterly ridiculous! I think nothing of the person. I did say that I assume they are miserable and clearly have too much time on their hands.
Hopefully most of the people who post here can sift through the bullshit and take what they can from other poster's experience. Blunt advice is different than spewing venom. I remember posting right when I decided to separate -- saying how scared I was, how I worried about my kids, sharing custody and everything else that comes with the decision. Several years out, I have a much different perspective -- but I want to help someone who comes here looking for some perspective. I thought twice about contributing after yesterday. Which is just sad considering I know I needed some advice from people other than my family and friends.
Anonymous
10/18/2013 09:57
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of the receipt thread. I felt I should respond. I'm doing ok. I feel a bit disassociated from this whole situation, to be honest. The entire situation blindsighted me. I did not marry the man who I saw last night. But I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.
I asked Jeff to lock the thread not because of how mean people were being, but because I did not want to see some 13+ page thread unfold after I logged on to share that he had, in fact, cheated. I would find the compassion more difficult to bear than the bullying, which I can distance myself from. I'm a career sales person, I have a thick skin. But people saying how sorry they were, siding with me, sharing their (all too common) stories - I felt that was too much to bear. And I wanted the thread that I started out of fear to end.
I'm grateful to DCUM. I was going to believe him, and I have a right to know who I married. What happens next, well, everyone can feel rest assured that I'll be ok. I have a strong family, a solid sense of self, and I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a wimp, as a few people indicated.
Thanks for the well wishes.
Thanks for posting - I was thinking about you. I, too, am experienced in the arena, unfortunately. I really like the part about how the compassion hurts more because it is so true. My thoughts are with you.
Thanks for this thread.
Anonymous
10/18/2013 09:49
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of the receipt thread. I felt I should respond. I'm doing ok. I feel a bit disassociated from this whole situation, to be honest. The entire situation blindsighted me. I did not marry the man who I saw last night. But I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.
I asked Jeff to lock the thread not because of how mean people were being, but because I did not want to see some 13+ page thread unfold after I logged on to share that he had, in fact, cheated. I would find the compassion more difficult to bear than the bullying, which I can distance myself from. I'm a career sales person, I have a thick skin. But people saying how sorry they were, siding with me, sharing their (all too common) stories - I felt that was too much to bear. And I wanted the thread that I started out of fear to end.
I'm grateful to DCUM. I was going to believe him, and I have a right to know who I married. What happens next, well, everyone can feel rest assured that I'll be ok. I have a strong family, a solid sense of self, and I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a wimp, as a few people indicated.
Thanks for the well wishes.
Good for you!!! Thanks for the update. All the best for you and your family, however it turns out.
Anonymous
10/18/2013 09:22
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I do think there is bullying and it may in fact be a small percentage that are responsible for that. However, as an open forum we have the opportunity to collectively contribute and set a standard. It may be frustrating to read the nasty stuff, but one should go ahead and post the correctly placed positive and helpful feedback nonetheless.
I have been thinking about that poor woman with the 1 year old all evening. She must feel so alone and horrible. Its just a nightmare. So sad. I wish I could find some way to help her- maybe point her somewhere.
I am reminded of my mother (who died 20 years ago) describing what its like to essentially be given a death sentence (like the 3rd time she got cancer and it was terminal this time). As she put it "You cant jump out of your skin." I know that feeling. The moment where you must face the unthinkable. Its where strong souls are made, or reborn. One steps up the plate not of one owns making.
This humble place is very much part of the human condition. Its experienced all over the world every day. I guess we can be thankful that we live in a society that at least in part will support a woman choosing NOT to be with a husband who gets "happy endings" at the massage parlor while she cares for a one year old at home. The fact that we view it as a personal decision as to whether she chooses to stay or go demonstrates that we have very different terms of life for women than many other countries. Yet suffering and injustice are far from eliminated. And that personal moment of reckoning for someone else's actions, from this there can be no guarantee of immunity.
Thanks for posting. My husband had a long term affair with a coworker, physically cheating with her off and on for a little over a year. Obviously it blew our marriage our apart (we had two young kids, so did his affair partner - she was married too) for a long, long time. What you described was exactly my situation. Absolutely the feeling of not being able to jump out of your own skin. When it all came out, and we were dealing with the initial few months, I would sometimes get so crazy in the middle of the night, I would need to just leave the house and run or walk until I could calm down, and I would always end up with the sickening realization that I could not escape this. Leaving the house didn't matter, and I just had to deal with it.
And also what you said about souls getting remade or reborn, that was true for both of us, though I think of it more as opening up and facing things, and coming out stronger.
Affairs are devastating, but you can heal and grow stronger, whether you do it together or apart.
Anonymous
10/17/2013 21:01
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of the receipt thread. I felt I should respond. I'm doing ok. I feel a bit disassociated from this whole situation, to be honest. The entire situation blindsighted me. I did not marry the man who I saw last night. But I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.
I asked Jeff to lock the thread not because of how mean people were being, but because I did not want to see some 13+ page thread unfold after I logged on to share that he had, in fact, cheated. I would find the compassion more difficult to bear than the bullying, which I can distance myself from. I'm a career sales person, I have a thick skin. But people saying how sorry they were, siding with me, sharing their (all too common) stories - I felt that was too much to bear. And I wanted the thread that I started out of fear to end.
I'm grateful to DCUM. I was going to believe him, and I have a right to know who I married. What happens next, well, everyone can feel rest assured that I'll be ok. I have a strong family, a solid sense of self, and I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a wimp, as a few people indicated.
Thanks for the well wishes.
You sound cool
Anonymous
10/17/2013 20:59
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Good for you, receipt OP! You sound like a smart, strong woman and you are going to come out of this even smarter and stronger once you get to the other side. Take care. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
Anonymous
10/17/2013 20:15
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
I'm the OP of the receipt thread. I felt I should respond. I'm doing ok. I feel a bit disassociated from this whole situation, to be honest. The entire situation blindsighted me. I did not marry the man who I saw last night. But I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.
I asked Jeff to lock the thread not because of how mean people were being, but because I did not want to see some 13+ page thread unfold after I logged on to share that he had, in fact, cheated. I would find the compassion more difficult to bear than the bullying, which I can distance myself from. I'm a career sales person, I have a thick skin. But people saying how sorry they were, siding with me, sharing their (all too common) stories - I felt that was too much to bear. And I wanted the thread that I started out of fear to end.
I'm grateful to DCUM. I was going to believe him, and I have a right to know who I married. What happens next, well, everyone can feel rest assured that I'll be ok. I have a strong family, a solid sense of self, and I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a wimp, as a few people indicated.
Thanks for the well wishes.
I asked Jeff to lock the thread not because of how mean people were being, but because I did not want to see some 13+ page thread unfold after I logged on to share that he had, in fact, cheated. I would find the compassion more difficult to bear than the bullying, which I can distance myself from. I'm a career sales person, I have a thick skin. But people saying how sorry they were, siding with me, sharing their (all too common) stories - I felt that was too much to bear. And I wanted the thread that I started out of fear to end.
I'm grateful to DCUM. I was going to believe him, and I have a right to know who I married. What happens next, well, everyone can feel rest assured that I'll be ok. I have a strong family, a solid sense of self, and I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a wimp, as a few people indicated.
Thanks for the well wishes.
Anonymous
10/17/2013 19:59
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Op here. I do think there is bullying and it may in fact be a small percentage that are responsible for that. However, as an open forum we have the opportunity to collectively contribute and set a standard. It may be frustrating to read the nasty stuff, but one should go ahead and post the correctly placed positive and helpful feedback nonetheless.
I have been thinking about that poor woman with the 1 year old all evening. She must feel so alone and horrible. Its just a nightmare. So sad. I wish I could find some way to help her- maybe point her somewhere.
I am reminded of my mother (who died 20 years ago) describing what its like to essentially be given a death sentence (like the 3rd time she got cancer and it was terminal this time). As she put it "You cant jump out of your skin." I know that feeling. The moment where you must face the unthinkable. Its where strong souls are made, or reborn. One steps up the plate not of one owns making.
This humble place is very much part of the human condition. Its experienced all over the world every day. I guess we can be thankful that we live in a society that at least in part will support a woman choosing NOT to be with a husband who gets "happy endings" at the massage parlor while she cares for a one year old at home. The fact that we view it as a personal decision as to whether she chooses to stay or go demonstrates that we have very different terms of life for women than many other countries. Yet suffering and injustice are far from eliminated. And that personal moment of reckoning for someone else's actions, from this there can be no guarantee of immunity.
I have been thinking about that poor woman with the 1 year old all evening. She must feel so alone and horrible. Its just a nightmare. So sad. I wish I could find some way to help her- maybe point her somewhere.
I am reminded of my mother (who died 20 years ago) describing what its like to essentially be given a death sentence (like the 3rd time she got cancer and it was terminal this time). As she put it "You cant jump out of your skin." I know that feeling. The moment where you must face the unthinkable. Its where strong souls are made, or reborn. One steps up the plate not of one owns making.
This humble place is very much part of the human condition. Its experienced all over the world every day. I guess we can be thankful that we live in a society that at least in part will support a woman choosing NOT to be with a husband who gets "happy endings" at the massage parlor while she cares for a one year old at home. The fact that we view it as a personal decision as to whether she chooses to stay or go demonstrates that we have very different terms of life for women than many other countries. Yet suffering and injustice are far from eliminated. And that personal moment of reckoning for someone else's actions, from this there can be no guarantee of immunity.
Anonymous
10/17/2013 18:37
Subject: Re:Compassion- when its needed most
I totally agree w/you on this OP.
Some of these stories are truly heart-wrenching and in many cases, these people do not have anyone else they can confide in so they come on this forum where they feel they can be themselves which they cannot always do in real life.
I have seen some mean comments as well as "Troll" accusations which totally baffle me.
While I think the majority of people on here have good intentions, I do think there are certain people that come on here just to "stir the pot" if you will.
They have nothing going on in their real lives so they like to create drama online. They are simply bored and it gives them something to do.
It's unfortunate, but there really is nothing that can be done but to simply scroll past them and read the more kinder responses.
Some of these stories are truly heart-wrenching and in many cases, these people do not have anyone else they can confide in so they come on this forum where they feel they can be themselves which they cannot always do in real life.
I have seen some mean comments as well as "Troll" accusations which totally baffle me.
While I think the majority of people on here have good intentions, I do think there are certain people that come on here just to "stir the pot" if you will.
They have nothing going on in their real lives so they like to create drama online. They are simply bored and it gives them something to do.
It's unfortunate, but there really is nothing that can be done but to simply scroll past them and read the more kinder responses.
Anonymous
10/17/2013 17:04
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Anonymous wrote:Not all cases are so black and white (like cheating etc). Sometimes, OP comes here seeking compassion, but the case she presents reveals significant faults in her own behavior. In most situations discussed here there are other parties involved (partners, most often) who do not participate in the discussion, but for everyone's sake deserve a kind of a fair hearing. Yes, it's good to be compassionate, but at the same time, unqualified support could be counterproductive. I think that, more often than not, it's good to hear a variety of perspectives.
I agree with you that it is good to hear a variety of perspectives, but what you see here way too much is pure bullying.
Anonymous
10/17/2013 17:02
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Anonymous wrote:I know DCUM posters are very capable of this. When someone is down and out, being abused, and the like, I have seen some of the most compassionate and helpful posts to help a person in that alone moment.
I was disappointed to see the woman with the one year old who discovered her husband was cheating on her at massage parlors turned so ugly towards her it had to be locked. A person in one of the darkest moments of their life should receive nothing but compassion, especially where they are clearly the victim as was the case here.
Please lets just take a moment to reflect on where it is possible for us to hold ourselves and each other to a higher standard of compassion. A little goes a long way.
Fucking country is going to hell in an everlasting handbasket. People's nasty, evil sides just rear their ugly heads and dance around at the first opportunity to do so without consequence.
DCUM is proof in the pudding for that. Although I have a suspicion only a handful is responsible for the ugliness.
Country is also getting dumber. Please don't look to anonymous forums for help in your darkest moments and then fall apart when someone is mean. I mean, really, what the heck do you expect? There are bad people out there. You ain't 16, you should know better than to put yourself out there like that in front of a nameless, faceless mob.
The Cheese Lady, who doesn't give a shit what this forum says to her, they can kiss her (very rich) ass.
Anonymous
10/17/2013 17:00
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Not all cases are so black and white (like cheating etc). Sometimes, OP comes here seeking compassion, but the case she presents reveals significant faults in her own behavior. In most situations discussed here there are other parties involved (partners, most often) who do not participate in the discussion, but for everyone's sake deserve a kind of a fair hearing. Yes, it's good to be compassionate, but at the same time, unqualified support could be counterproductive. I think that, more often than not, it's good to hear a variety of perspectives.
Anonymous
10/17/2013 16:35
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
Anonymous wrote:I know DCUM posters are very capable of this. When someone is down and out, being abused, and the like, I have seen some of the most compassionate and helpful posts to help a person in that alone moment.
I was disappointed to see the woman with the one year old who discovered her husband was cheating on her at massage parlors turned so ugly towards her it had to be locked. A person in one of the darkest moments of their life should receive nothing but compassion, especially where they are clearly the victim as was the case here.
Please lets just take a moment to reflect on where it is possible for us to hold ourselves and each other to a higher standard of compassion. A little goes a long way.
+1000
Anonymous
10/17/2013 14:29
Subject: Compassion- when its needed most
I know DCUM posters are very capable of this. When someone is down and out, being abused, and the like, I have seen some of the most compassionate and helpful posts to help a person in that alone moment.
I was disappointed to see the woman with the one year old who discovered her husband was cheating on her at massage parlors turned so ugly towards her it had to be locked. A person in one of the darkest moments of their life should receive nothing but compassion, especially where they are clearly the victim as was the case here.
Please lets just take a moment to reflect on where it is possible for us to hold ourselves and each other to a higher standard of compassion. A little goes a long way.
I was disappointed to see the woman with the one year old who discovered her husband was cheating on her at massage parlors turned so ugly towards her it had to be locked. A person in one of the darkest moments of their life should receive nothing but compassion, especially where they are clearly the victim as was the case here.
Please lets just take a moment to reflect on where it is possible for us to hold ourselves and each other to a higher standard of compassion. A little goes a long way.