Definitely not....the money I save for education for my children doesn't actually belong to them at all. It's from our paychecks and we are earmarking it for education expenses. If they end up choosing less expensive schools than we saved for, it's still not their money.

We earmark money for lots of things, and if something ends up costing less than anticipated, I don't offer to pay more for it, I sort of view this as a similar situation.

You don't have to spend equal amounts. If you can, you let them go where they want to go. That's it. Don't buy the state kid a flat screen or something ridiculous in order to "make up" for how much you're spending on the other kid.

I see no conflict. You have provided each child with the best education possible. Cost is irrelevant.

The other way of looking at it is that that you are going to spend the same amount of $ on each DC regardless of what their needs are. If that is the case, I will say a prayer for you and your DC.

I don't see why this has to be a big issue unless you make it one. If you have the means, you can offer to pay for whatever meets their needs the best. There are all kinds of inequalities between siblings, ranging from birth order to who got more hand-me-downs, to who got to see R rated movies first, to who got more help with their wedding, to who lives close enough to have grandma babysit. Situations change financially, and sometimes an older sibling grow up with less than younger siblings or vice versa.

My sister and I didn't really have the option not to go to state schools unless we received grants/scholarships that would have made the cost of the private comparable to public.

I appreciate that my parents stood their ground on this. We still had some autonomy but they made it very clear they would not bankrupt themselves or allow us to take out loans. As it turned out, we chose public and were lucky enough to have our tuition and living expenses fully funded. We weren't Ivy material, though - it may have been different in that case!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my sister and I. We both went where we wanted and it was no big deal. You don't equalize. You offer them both the choice regardless of cost that meets their need.

I'm really curious what school you chose.

She went to Ivy's for undergraduate and graduate school. I choose a state school for undergraduate and a private for graduate (far less expensive than hers). If I wanted her degree my parents would have paid for it. I did what I was interested in, she did what she was. There was a huge difference in price.

My sis went to GW after transferring from JMU. I stayed at JMU all 4.5 years. I never though once about unequal tuition.

I think either way is fine; my husband and his siblings each had $100K (this was the early '90's). One chose ROTC, one chose live at home and go to a local college, and those two got the balance and had enough for a downpayment on a house. He chose Ivy, so he ended up with loans. By now though it's kind of all evened out; it's not like the other two are that much farther ahead financially.

I was the opposite. My sib and I could go wherever and my parents would pay for it. We chose expensive Ivy or Ivy-ish schools. My parents also paid for part of grad school. This was important to them because their parents hadn't paid for their grad schools. I think though it really made me take things for granted and not pay attention to money and finances, and I wish I had more of that knowledge going into adult life.

I think either way is fine, but whatever you all decide, the kids need to know way in advance to avoid hard feelings and help them make their plans.

I think we're probably going to pay for any VA state school, and also give our kids a list of private colleges we'll pay for. If they want to choose a private off the list, they're responsible for the difference between state and private tuition.

We may be flexible if there's a private program that has something specific for them or if there are other extenuating circumstances, but I'm not paying full freight for them to go to Gettysburg or High Point if they can just go to VT.

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my sister and I. We both went where we wanted and it was no big deal. You don't equalize. You offer them both the choice regardless of cost that meets their need.

I'm really curious what school you chose.

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my sister and I. We both went where we wanted and it was no big deal. You don't equalize. You offer them both the choice regardless of cost that meets their need.

This.

Our college student at a public will have money in his 529 account to fund grad school. Student #2 at a private will have exhausted her 529 funds. So that's one way to "equalize" it. In our case, DH promised the kids that they'd be educated at the school of their choice and they'd be debt free at graduation. The kids know this and hopefully just choose the schools they think are the best fit, not the schools where they'll get more of dad's money than their siblings.

If they each have their own identically-sized college fund, then its self-equalizing, isn't it?

If not, I wouldn't equalize. If they both got to choose the school they wanted, they both received an identical benefit: their first choice in school.

Both my DCs have equal college funds. They can choose whatever school they want to go to but when the money is done, its done. They are are their own for the rest. If they still have money left in the fund, that is theirs to do with as they please.

They are adults. They have to choose what is important to them.

This happened to my sister and I. We both went where we wanted and it was no big deal. You don't equalize. You offer them both the choice regardless of cost that meets their need.

Say both of your DCs get into State U and the same or comparable Privates. Also assume the privates are not significantly better regarded than State U. DCs are not elibigle for aid, but the expense of Privates will definitely be felt. If one DC chooses State U and the other Private, do you consider "equalizing" things between DCs in some way? If so, how? It seems unfair to give one child $200k more than the other if both have similar educational ability and needs -- one just likes the "feel" of the private better. Thoughts?