Coach here.

Shut this asshole up.

How old are these kids? I swear to God, so many dads expect 8 and 9 yo girls to play like Mia Hamm. It's unbelievable.

Why are you married to him? He is a jackass. Don't stay for the kids because they're better off day-to-day without him in the house.

Yes, I think you should try to get him banned by telling the coach.

Have the coach ban him from the sidelines. Encourage other parents to complain to coach

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He won't go to individual therapy because that means "something is wrong with him" and it "takes two to make a problem." He did go once before but told the counselor he had no idea why he was there and they ended up talking about work relationships at his office.

Couples therapy doesn't work either. Last time we tried, I would bring up examples of some of the stuff he has done (believe me, saying shut up is not the worst one), and the counselor (who had also been his individual therapist) would ask him why it happened, and he would have an explanation, like, he was feeling insecure at the moment, and the counselor would say the issue was that I didn't understand that he felt insecure. It was like being doubly abused - once by DH and another time by the counselor. I asked whether it would be ok for him to shoot me because he was feeling insecure, but no one felt they had to answer that question.

So, sadly, I will focus on trying to prevent DD from getting kicked off the team. That's about the only thing I have any hope of controlling. I'll talk to the coach.

OP, sadly, this is very common in couples therapy when one member of the couple has an anger problem. What often happens is that the therapist sides more with the angry person, at the expense his/her spouse, in order to keep the angry person from leaving therapy altogether. You are right in that it feels like being abused again. You would probably be better off getting therapy on your own to decide your course of action and strategies to cope with the potential blowback if your course of action is disagreeable to your spouse. I'm sorry. I wish I had something encouraging or uplifting to say.

OP here. He won't go to individual therapy because that means "something is wrong with him" and it "takes two to make a problem." He did go once before but told the counselor he had no idea why he was there and they ended up talking about work relationships at his office.

Couples therapy doesn't work either. Last time we tried, I would bring up examples of some of the stuff he has done (believe me, saying shut up is not the worst one), and the counselor (who had also been his individual therapist) would ask him why it happened, and he would have an explanation, like, he was feeling insecure at the moment, and the counselor would say the issue was that I didn't understand that he felt insecure. It was like being doubly abused - once by DH and another time by the counselor. I asked whether it would be ok for him to shoot me because he was feeling insecure, but no one felt they had to answer that question.

So, sadly, I will focus on trying to prevent DD from getting kicked off the team. That's about the only thing I have any hope of controlling. I'll talk to the coach.

Anonymous wrote:If I bring it up, he'll blow up. He has anger issues.

This concerns me. Right now, it's just soccer. What about when it's something Really Important? You can't have a family member who intimidates everyone into being quiet lest he blow up. I think you need to tell your husband that his explosions scare you, and you've found yourself not saying things - things YOU think are important - out of fear of his reaction. And suggest some fixes - individual therapy, couples therapy, talking with your pastor, whatever works in your world. Ask him for suggestions. If you can't have this talk out of fear of his reaction, you need to get yourself into therapy or something equivalent because your marriage is badly broken & you're going to have a difficult-to-impossible co-parenting relationship.

Maybe he needs to be enrolled in anger management and martial arts classes. The martial arts classes will give him a sense of self-pride, confidence and respect for himself and others, which is apparent from his behavior that he lacks.

He should not be yelling at you to shut up -- sound the alarm. I would recommend therapy, seriously. I hate reading things where people say 'therapy therapy therapy' but OMG, that's so rude of him.

No parent should be allowed on the sidelines.

One year, the whole league got a general email a few games into the season reminding parents about the "coaching from the sidelines" policies with a quote of the the rules and regs (eg. cheering-ok, reprimanding-not ok, etc). Basically it was a warning to everyone who is not the coach to shut the fuck up from the sidelines. I got the sense that it was in response to some complaints about people like your husband.
Maybe your coach can send out an email like this to everyone and you can call it to the attention of your DH.

Anonymous wrote:Have the coach talk to him and tell him to either zip it or walk away, and separately, talk to him about anger management therapy/classes.

+1

If you're at the point where you need to tell a child to "ignore" their angry parent, then you need therapy, either individual for him, or for you as a couple or family.

Talking to the coach is a good idea, but it sounds like this is a symptom of a bigger issue.

Have the coach talk to him and tell him to either zip it or walk away, and separately, talk to him about anger management therapy/classes.

You need to speak with the coach privately, and ask him/her to speak with your DH. It's the coach's job to keep parents in line, so they should be familiar with this routine "talk." DH isn't gonna listen to you or the kid, sorry.

DH has been bad about coaching from the sidelines, and DD has told me it upsets her because he often conflicts with her coach.

Last week, I didn't go to the game. This week I did, and I was shocked to hear him not only yelling at her but also her team mates. I quietly told him to settle down. He told me to shut up.

Later I heard the team mom telling another mom that people had been upset after last week's game about the coaching from the sidelines and specifically that people were coaching kids that were not their own. I think I can guess who was doing it. I've told DD just to ignore him, but I don't know what else to do. If I bring it up, he'll blow up. He has anger issues. I don't want DD to get kicked off the team because of him. It's a travel team. Any suggestions?