Op here, thanks for all the replies. I am going to read a couple books on eldercare and definitely bring it up next time I see them. What I really believe is that their situation is getting overwhelming but they are partially in denial (think they have a lot more time than they do) and partially just afraid to ask for help making changes. What is strange is that my grandmother similarly failed to plan and they had a nightmare dealing with her situation and need for care, and I can't believe they want to do exactly the same thing. And yet to me it l

OP, you'll never really know till you try. My dad is 80 and we helped him move to a continuing care retirement community this year - he was one of those guys who swore he'd never leave his house, but we could see it was just getting too much. We started with doctors, and accompanied him to a visit, where he was sent to a neurologist, where they diagnosed minor non-Alzheimers dementia. Then took away his license. It was a horrendous crisis, but in the long run it was great - it forced us to act earlier than we would have otherwise. He's so happy now - he has company for every meal, but privacy and dignity in his own apartment. And we feel secure knowing he can get any help he needs, whatever happens with his health.

Obviously my situation is different than yours, but honestly I didn't think he'd go, and my husband was sure it was the wrong thing for him. One of my brothers pushed the issue, and I'm really grateful that he did. You need to test them, and then figure out what kind of help they need, and find a way to persuade them to accept it. Easier said than done, I know, but it's not impossible.

I hear you OP. We have attempted to have this conversation a number of times with my in-laws but not gotten anywhere. There plan is that he keeps working till he keels over. He is already 80 and incompetent to work.

So far we haven't got through to them. But we will keep trying.

Sometimes I think that when people have made poor financial decisions for 80 years, it is too much to expect them to start making good ones. They will be thrown on the mercy of the state and whatever we can give them.

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I knew I would get charged with neglect. But I spend about half my vacation time with them (and the other half with in laws...) I have repeatedly invited them to visit me and my kids--they do travel to other places--and they don't come. We don't have a real touchy-feely type family. I'll send them an email with photos of the kids, etc and won't hear back for like two weeks. I simply don't live near them so how can I spend more time with them? This doesn't seem like the kind of conversation that can be had by phone. And I can't be as blunt as the PP...

It sounds like you just don't have the kind of relationship where you can expect this kind of conversation to have any effect. Conversations are overrated anyways. If they wanted to deal with this issue, they would have. Nagging them is not going to change anything.

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Just want to say that you're not alone. My ILs retirement plan is an inheritance they are hoping to get, but they have no idea what is actually in that will. I fear it will not be enough, or they will use it foolishly, and that we will have to find a way to support them, when as it is we are still paying our student loans and trying to save for our small children, and recover major losses and career setbacks we have had due to the economy the last few years.

We have approached them, casually in passing as well as seriously sitting down with them and they just don't take it seriously. Her reply is "I'm healthy".

Food Stamps, HEAP, etc., is for these people. They'll be forced to cut back.

Good luck.

New poster here. Just want to say that you're not alone. My ILs retirement plan is an inheritance they are hoping to get, but they have no idea what is actually in that will. I fear it will not be enough, or they will use it foolishly, and that we will have to find a way to support them, when as it is we are still paying our student loans and trying to save for our small children, and recover major losses and career setbacks we have had due to the economy the last few years.

We have approached them, casually in passing as well as seriously sitting down with them and they just don't take it seriously. Her reply is "I'm healthy".

PP here - this is also a handy resource that can help guide conversations and know at least the basics for the health care aspect of things: http://www.agingwithdignity.org/forms/5wishes.pdf

I think it's better if people can have these conversations as early on as possible (I was a hospital chaplain for a long time and saw how hard it was for families who had never had certain conversations), but better late than never.

It can be a very loving and frank conversation without needing to be overly blunt. Wording it like you want to make sure you'll be able to make sure their care is the way they'd want it to be if something ever happened that they couldn't take care of themselves (but in your own words) is a pretty standard opening.

If their abilities are already declining, they may not be able to participate as fully in making decisions, but in that case you can still test the waters by offering viable alternatives for them. (e.g. If Mom were to die first, this seems like a pretty big house for you to be in by yourself. How would you feel about X or Y alternatives?

Also, it's super helpful - if they haven't arranged it already - to have someone to be their durable medical power of attorney AND to have all siblings (or other concerned adult family) on board with any decisions. Because even if it's someone's wishes, if a lot of family protest it it can interfere with treatment or other wishes. (e.g. Organ donor centers (at least the local one we had to call when someone died) won't harvest anything from a person who wanted to donate them if even a single family member protests it because they don't want to get a vulture-y reputation.)

Hope this helps, OP!

Best of luck!

Op here, I knew I would get charged with neglect. But I spend about half my vacation time with them (and the other half with in laws...) I have repeatedly invited them to visit me and my kids--they do travel to other places--and they don't come. We don't have a real touchy-feely type family. I'll send them an email with photos of the kids, etc and won't hear back for like two weeks. I simply don't live near them so how can I spend more time with them? This doesn't seem like the kind of conversation that can be had by phone. And I can't be as blunt as the PP...

Anonymous wrote:I feel my parents are living an unsustainable lifestyle. They are growing older, have health issues, and yet are making no plans for scaling back various things that have got to be burdens on them. One of them is in such poor health that, if one died first, I am not sure the other could/should live alone. How can I have this discussion with them? I only see them a few times a year for short visits, and every time I mean to bring it up, but it never seems like the right time. Has anyone bit the bullet and had this talk? Or can recommend a book? I really fear that what is going to happen is that they will do nothing and there will be a major crisis that will require me to drop everything, and with my kids and the job that is going to be a nightmare, plus the lack of planning means they will have fewer choices. My in-laws seem MUCH more realistic about this kind of stuff and are talking about it, etc. but I feel like with my parents it is a taboo subject.

if you were seeing them more it would be easier for them to accept the conversation. but you kind of neglect them and then want to drop such conversation on them. I would be pretty angry, to be honest. If you care, show them you care.

You need to do it OP.
I see what not planning has done to my family overseas and cannot believe nothing was done before to stop this.

My grandfather was put into a dementia home and now my grandmother is on her own, and will soon be put into a home. Their pensions only cover half their expenses, and so my aunts have to pay the remainder out of pocket. There are no savings. My grandmother spent thousands on lottery, no one could control her spending and she would become enraged if you said anything.

Once my grandmother goes into a nursing home, their house will have to be sold to cover her expenses. So the family home will not be passed down to anyone. Its so sad.

I just said to the more reasonable one, "So! What are your plans for Mom if you croak first? And your plans for yourself if she croaks first? Also, you're getting old. Have you seriously considered hiring a cleaning lady once a week?" and each time the conversation veered away I brought it back until we'd moved forward.

OP here, just reread what I wrote and I realize it sounds harsh--like all I care about is the inconvenience to me. That is not true AT ALL and I actually worry that this is a source of great stress to them but they are just not able to manage/deal because it seems like it would be such a big effort to, say, move to a different house.

I feel my parents are living an unsustainable lifestyle. They are growing older, have health issues, and yet are making no plans for scaling back various things that have got to be burdens on them. One of them is in such poor health that, if one died first, I am not sure the other could/should live alone. How can I have this discussion with them? I only see them a few times a year for short visits, and every time I mean to bring it up, but it never seems like the right time. Has anyone bit the bullet and had this talk? Or can recommend a book? I really fear that what is going to happen is that they will do nothing and there will be a major crisis that will require me to drop everything, and with my kids and the job that is going to be a nightmare, plus the lack of planning means they will have fewer choices. My in-laws seem MUCH more realistic about this kind of stuff and are talking about it, etc. but I feel like with my parents it is a taboo subject.