Fundamentally, I think two people can love each other w/all of their hearts, but just are unable to sustain a marriage. They could be simply incompatible to live together or have their own emotional baggage, etc.

Sounds like that is the case w/you and your husband OP.

It's sad, but true.

I think your husband will always have a special place in your heart + you will always love him, esp. since you share children together.

But if you both fight all the time and cannot provide a loving and stable home environment for your family, then by all means it is just best to move on. For everyone involved.

GL.

Anonymous wrote:Because they can't stop fighting and its stressful and bad for tge kids? I love my DH and he loves me but I think we may be fundamentally incompatable because we fight.all.the.time. Two years of counseling and the root issues are clear (both products of very self-absorbed moms) but the behavior is still so bad. So sad.

Find a new counselor. Its one thing to identify an issue but quite another to end in a situation where you both have decided your own behavior is not your fault and there is nothing that can be done about it. The only counselors who should be identifying "mommy" issues are working off Erikson's or Freud's work (or derivatives of them). Of course it is possible they are making it up as they go and its much easier to get a client to pay the bill if you help them figure out they share no responsibility for their own behavior.

Neither Erikson or Freud thought identifying the problem and then simply accepting it was healthy. The goal of identification through psychoanalysis was to be able to take steps to solve the fixation or dilemma (the two individuals used different terms). Looking for someone who understands cognitive behavioral therapy (or others) and who is willing to be honest enough to help you identify the issues you can actually do something about.

I agree with the idea of staying married but living apart, at least on a part time basis.

It's good to miss the ones you love.

My ex-wife cheated on me, so I left. I have no doubt that she still loved me. I still loved her very much, but I couldn't get past the broken trust. I tried therapy, individual and couples. It didn't help. I wanted to try and give it time, but I found myself so full of anger some days that I worried that I might physically hurt her. We divorced but not for lack of love.

OP -

How old are your kids?

Whether or not you divorce, your DH needs to get control over his anger issues. He might not be taking it out on the kids now, but he will eventually when they get older. He is also setting a bad example of how to solve problems and will pass on the anger issues to your kids if he doesn't control himself.

Good luck.

To answer your question - Lots of people divorce even when they love each other.

Op here. Thanks for the suggestions for alternative therapies. I'll check them out. Have also had biofeedback and EMDR (for DH's anger) recommended.

Didn't mean to suggest that we weren't responsible, but that awareness through talk therapy, and will, don't seem to be solving the problem.

In a lot of pain after another fight that neither of us wanted.

PP who shared your own story, thank you. Wishing you peace.

I have friends who loved each other very much and had a fabulous relationship, but ultimately divorced. She adamantly did not want kids, and after 7 years he changed his mind and decided he absolutely needed to have kids.

Anonymous wrote:Because they can't stop fighting and its stressful and bad for tge kids? I love my DH and he loves me but I think we may be fundamentally incompatable because we fight.all.the.time. Two years of counseling and the root issues are clear (both products of very self-absorbed moms) but the behavior is still so bad. So sad.

One way to express love is working through problems and being able to accept that someone cannot be 100% of what you want, 100% of the time, over the course of months, much less decades.

Anonymous wrote:

Stop blaming your mothers and your past.

You are adults now. You are responsible for the dynamic.

This. Personal responsibility, folks. You alone are responsible for the choices you make as adult.

I agree. At some point you have to own your actions. Your childhood can help you understand why you think and act the way you have but the responsibility to act differently lies on you. I would suggest that instead of couples counseling you each should do some CBT or individual counseling to help you figure out who to think differently in situations where your current patterns are leading you awry. It is hard to change patterns of thinking that have been in place for decades but it is doable. Even if you divorce you are both passing these unhealthy patterns onto your kids through modeling it. Different problems than your parents passed on to you, but you are making life harder for your kids and they are going to have to do hard work as adults to undo what they learned from you.

Stop blaming your mothers and your past.

You are adults now. You are responsible for the dynamic.

This. Personal responsibility, folks. You alone are responsible for the choices you make as adult.

Yes, it happened to me. I still cry when anyone mentions her. We didn't have kids but miscarried twice (my babies). I still still am in love. I have "moved on" and have a wonderful girlfriend but nothing compares to my (ex) wife. That said if my ex called and wanted to come back, I'd have to gently decline. I am so much healthier and happier without her. No more amazing highs but I also no longer scrape the bottom either. Smooth sailing and calm seas ahead without her in my life.

Stop blaming your mothers and your past.

You are adults now. You are responsible for the dynamic.

(Also, try EFT counseling. It is not based upon your childhood's. )

Yes. I think it happens.

But maybe you don't need to go as far as getting divorced. Perhaps spending some time apart might help.

I once dated a guy who said his parents bought two townhouses next door to each other after the kids were grown. They didn't want to get divorced but needed to live apart.

Best of luck to you. It sounds like you are really trying and really care about your family. Maybe there's a creative solution that might work.

Because they can't stop fighting and its stressful and bad for tge kids? I love my DH and he loves me but I think we may be fundamentally incompatable because we fight.all.the.time. Two years of counseling and the root issues are clear (both products of very self-absorbed moms) but the behavior is still so bad. So sad.