Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH tells your brother, "I'm uncomfortable being asked to keep information from my wife. And, WTF do you want us to do with this knowledge? You know it's going to be very difficult for us all to get together and play happy families."

+1000

That's quite rude and selfish of your brother to put your husband in that position. Your husband's first loyalty to is to you, his wife.

I'm with these folks.

I don't know if the wife is truly a pain in the ass or if it's simply a case of her "not being one of us."

And let's face it -- there's a lot of people out there that are just high needs. The woman who's bossing her husband around all the time, the woman who can't shut up, the man who can't pick up after himself, the man who gets grumpy for any or no reason ...

Either OP's brother:
1) lives on in quiet desperation
2) tries to make the marriage work
3) has an affair
4) leaves the marriage

I'm guessing (2) has been tried numerous times, and if they've had lots of issues over the course of 18 years, it hasn't worked or hasn't been done well. And -- you can only make the marriage work if both people want to make it work.

Steeling yourself to (1) can work if the wife is the sort that will at least let you sit downstairs and play video games, go out for a beer, etc. -- i.e. some outlet that doesn't involve being tied to her.

And of course he's going to have feelings for the affair girl. She doesn't have to do the hard work of marriage -- just the fun bits.

I think you NEED to talk to your brother, screw this "politically correct" bullshit. Sorry but so sick of hearing how you cannot step on peoples toes, and confidentiality blah blah blah..you are talking about a family that will be destroyed if/when they find out. A wife and kids who will be devastated by his antics and his inability to keep his pants zipped up. How irresponsible as a "family man" that he did not come clean. If he has this desire to be with this other person he has to tell his wife. Pure and simple. If he doesn't he cannot have his cake and eat it too. He took a vow and now he needs to make a hard decision, break it and move on or honor it and cut the woman off. He cannot have it both ways. And going against his wife (thus his kids) by telling your husband which is like telling you too is just wrong on every level. I say pick up the phone and YOU tell HIM how its going to go down. Not HIM telling YOU and your h.

You're shocked your husband told you, his wife? That's how it should be, IMHO.

Now you know that your husband and his brother can't keep a secret. Lesson learned.

Anonymous wrote:Your DH tells your brother, "I'm uncomfortable being asked to keep information from my wife. And, WTF do you want us to do with this knowledge? You know it's going to be very difficult for us all to get together and play happy families."

+1000

That's quite rude and selfish of your brother to put your husband in that position. Your husband's first loyalty to is to you, his wife.

Your DH tells your brother, "I'm uncomfortable being asked to keep information from my wife. And, WTF do you want us to do with this knowledge? You know it's going to be very difficult for us all to get together and play happy families."

I would tell him, he tells her or we do. He has now made you complicit in this affair with his wife being the one who doesn't know. Completely not fair to her at all.

I would have no hesitation telling her if he didn't, maybe she already knows and if so, so be it. But otherwise she has a right to know that there is a third person in her marriage. She can then make whatever decisions she feels is best.

I agree with PP that this VERY common, especially with the accessibility of the Internet. This marriage will implode or improve without your intervention. Ask yourself who ultimately are you serving if you choose to get in the middle? If it is about some sense of moral obligation or to compel your brother to be a better person, then anticipate this will all blow up in your face.

If you must confront your brother about it, have at it. But this will cause a rift in both your relationship with him, his relationship with your spouse, and you and your spouse's dynamic.

My BIL called and confided in me when my sister had an affair. He wanted to know how I had saved my marriage (no infidelity) when it was in trouble and how to proceed. I wound up talking to my sister, in a very non-judgmental way, and we talked and talked and I got her to agree to therapy with or without her husband so she could figure it all out. This was five years ago and their marriage is now better than it's ever been.

The only other person I spoke to about this was my husband and he's never mentioned it to them. My sister, her DH, introduced me to my DH, and even with that back history my DH knew he couldn't mention it. I was the one who was told in confidence and my DH was my sounding board.

He told him in confidence. So you are supposed to pretend you do not know.

In my 47 years what I have learned is that many, many people have affairs. Many people whom you would never DREAM would have affairs. At any given time, someone you are talking to could be a person who had or is having an affair. It is really much more common than I thought.

Stay out of it. You have no idea what is going on in their marriage. There are many ways to betray a spouse, and an affair is just one of them. You also have no idea what will happen--the affair could be a catalyst that ends up improving their marriage. Or it could be the end of it. You can't know, and it is not your place to get in the middle of it. Talk to your brother if you want, tell him you are disappointed, etc., but say nothing to the wife. Let it be.

I don't see why you are surprised that your husband told you. Isn't it a given that when something is told "in confidence" that the person will tell his/her spouse?? That does put you in an awkward position, though, having to see him and pretend that you don't know......

Is his marital relationship so damaged that he can't remember spouses tell each other every thing of importance?
Or does he assume that you will know eventually and it was actually his way of telling you without getting flamed??

Anyway. I would not do anything. If they were not getting along, well, what can you expect?
If they divorce, maybe they will end up parenting the children much better. One can only hope.

So get this my brother, 42 told my husband who is close to that he is having an affair. He and my sister in law have been married almost 18 years. They have had a lot of issues and she is no picnic. I have wondered myself at times if SHE has cheated on him. However, I have assumed they have stayed together mostly for their three darling kids all under 12. I am shocked that A. he told my husband and that B. My husband told me. Hardest part is he told him in "confidence" and i am bursting with anger, but i really cannot do anything!!! He invited us over on Sunday but I said no because i cannot face him knowing what i know. I am not a huge fan of his wife but still he is a family man and this is so wrong. He told my h that he has real feelings for this other woman. I am very confused as to what if anything I can/should do.