Anonymous
09/07/2013 17:20
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, my parents are very civic minded and often cared more about doing things for people outside the immediate family than for their kids.
did they do it for respect? or admiration?
For my moms job
Anonymous
09/07/2013 17:13
Subject: Re:Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
My parents, especially my mother, is much kinder to other people that me or my siblings. I have a ton of extended family members that my parents have supported in the past and continue to support in their adult years. For instance, I have a deadbeat uncle who lives in one of my parents' property with his kids. My parents usually take the kids (my cousins) on expensive vacations, pay their private school tuition etc.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 15:40
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Narcissism is way over used these days. I wonder what "diagnosis" are children will have or us? Don't fool ourselves into thinking you won be judged just as harshly.
I agree. That said, some of us who post here are referring to clinical diagnoses, and have the kinds of life experiences with relatives that would shock and horrify you. I wish I were "way" over using the term and that it didn't have anything to do with my family. Now that would be a dream come true.
It's a spectrum - with varying degrees. It's not all or nothing. You may have been burned by a textbook narcissist but surely you can understand that there are varying degrees of intensity. And while there may be rampant over labeling at least it gives folks a framework to better understand life and hopefully better themselves through understanding. Knowledge is power, as corny as it sounds.
If you'd rather the world live in ignorance so you can hide from a potential label well then... I don't even know.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 15:33
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, my parents are very civic minded and often cared more about doing things for people outside the immediate family than for their kids.
did they do it for respect? or admiration?
Anonymous
09/07/2013 11:45
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
Yes, my parents are very civic minded and often cared more about doing things for people outside the immediate family than for their kids.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 11:38
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
Anonymous wrote:Narcissism is way over used these days. I wonder what "diagnosis" are children will have or us? Don't fool ourselves into thinking you won be judged just as harshly.
I agree. That said, some of us who post here are referring to clinical diagnoses, and have the kinds of life experiences with relatives that would shock and horrify you. I wish I were "way" over using the term and that it didn't have anything to do with my family. Now that would be a dream come true.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 11:36
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
I find that often the kids who weren't as spoiled grow up into better and more productive adults. So, though it stings, you may be better off as a result.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 11:28
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
Narcissism is way over used these days. I wonder what "diagnosis" are children will have or us? Don't fool ourselves into thinking you won be judged just as harshly.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 10:23
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
OP here. The word narcissistic is spot on when it comes to my parents. My father wanted other people to respect him and look up to him so much that he actually sold us short and gave others a ton. His giving was not out of love. He also liked to have a hold on people financially, so once he gave you enough that you had to respect him, he moved onto the next one. He had a lot of money, but we lived like low income people. Interestingly, some of my siblings tell cousins the truth about what happened and the cousins sort of distance themselves from my father, but ironically, some have moved closer to him since they now know what makes him tick. They want to get a little cash here and there so they kiss up to him as needed.
In DH's case, his father abandoned his mother early on. FIL felt that he remarried up (not true). New wife came with 4 kids and he showered them with everything. Funny enough, now that they are grown they are extremely disrespectful of him, calling him names and so on. DH was surprised to walk into that house and hear the names they called him. FIL even told me once that he was so happy the day he made the last child support payment to DH's mother. I asked him why he thought I would want to hear that?
Anyway, I tell DH that even though we were not loved by these people, we don't have to repeat it. Outside of the regular charity, we take care of our kids and only our kids. Luckily, we have no needy close relatives to make us feel guilty, plus we are not rich.
In DH's case, his father abandoned his mother early on. FIL felt that he remarried up (not true). New wife came with 4 kids and he showered them with everything. Funny enough, now that they are grown they are extremely disrespectful of him, calling him names and so on. DH was surprised to walk into that house and hear the names they called him. FIL even told me once that he was so happy the day he made the last child support payment to DH's mother. I asked him why he thought I would want to hear that?
Anyway, I tell DH that even though we were not loved by these people, we don't have to repeat it. Outside of the regular charity, we take care of our kids and only our kids. Luckily, we have no needy close relatives to make us feel guilty, plus we are not rich.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 08:39
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I would at some point ask your parents about this. You deserve to know what was going on. And I suggested you and your DH see your parents for who they are, adjust future expectations, and not allow yourselves to be emotionally hurt by people who can't and won't give you what you need.
Put up strong boundaries.
My dad is like this and it's yet another reason why I treat him with a long handled spoon.
In my 20s, instead of helping me move cross country as he promised when I graduated college, he reneged at the last minute and attended the wedding of someone's daughter who could barely stand him.
In my 20s and 30s, he would visit cities I was in and not bother to let me know he was in town. But he always took my cousins out to dinner when he visited their cities.
In recent years he traveled all over to see my younger brother play college football. But he never bothered to come see me in the hospital when I was sick, gave birth, or our recent anniversary party (which others traveled for).
Classic narcissist that he is, he thinks everything is great and never admits to a problem. I have adjusted my expectations of him and now only see him if and when it fits our schedule, is convenient, and the visit is short.
This shift has meant my DH and I have refused to do such crazy things as meet him as requested at a highway reststop with our toddler because he was busy, missed us during our family visit, and wanted to see her.
It's meant focusing on other family at gatherings when we're in town. If he shows up hours late, just as we're leaving, we say we're sorry we missed you and keep to our schedule.
This ensures we put ourselves first and aren't sucked into his cycle of second class citizen treatment.
OP, as someone who has narcissistic/sociopathic parents, I recommend you read, re-read, etc. this post. Great perspective and advice. Sad situation when parents aren't nurturing, supportive, loving - but it happens. You need to allow yourself to feel sad about it, but then you need to adjust your expectations, decide on a constructive strategy for dealing with it, and then: move on with your full and productive life.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 08:31
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
OP, I would at some point ask your parents about this. You deserve to know what was going on. And I suggested you and your DH see your parents for who they are, adjust future expectations, and not allow yourselves to be emotionally hurt by people who can't and won't give you what you need.
Put up strong boundaries.
My dad is like this and it's yet another reason why I treat him with a long handled spoon.
In my 20s, instead of helping me move cross country as he promised when I graduated college, he reneged at the last minute and attended the wedding of someone's daughter who could barely stand him.
In my 20s and 30s, he would visit cities I was in and not bother to let me know he was in town. But he always took my cousins out to dinner when he visited their cities.
In recent years he traveled all over to see my younger brother play college football. But he never bothered to come see me in the hospital when I was sick, gave birth, or our recent anniversary party (which others traveled for).
Classic narcissist that he is, he thinks everything is great and never admits to a problem. I have adjusted my expectations of him and now only see him if and when it fits our schedule, is convenient, and the visit is short.
This shift has meant my DH and I have refused to do such crazy things as meet him as requested at a highway reststop with our toddler because he was busy, missed us during our family visit, and wanted to see her.
It's meant focusing on other family at gatherings when we're in town. If he shows up hours late, just as we're leaving, we say we're sorry we missed you and keep to our schedule.
This ensures we put ourselves first and aren't sucked into his cycle of second class citizen treatment.
Put up strong boundaries.
My dad is like this and it's yet another reason why I treat him with a long handled spoon.
In my 20s, instead of helping me move cross country as he promised when I graduated college, he reneged at the last minute and attended the wedding of someone's daughter who could barely stand him.
In my 20s and 30s, he would visit cities I was in and not bother to let me know he was in town. But he always took my cousins out to dinner when he visited their cities.
In recent years he traveled all over to see my younger brother play college football. But he never bothered to come see me in the hospital when I was sick, gave birth, or our recent anniversary party (which others traveled for).
Classic narcissist that he is, he thinks everything is great and never admits to a problem. I have adjusted my expectations of him and now only see him if and when it fits our schedule, is convenient, and the visit is short.
This shift has meant my DH and I have refused to do such crazy things as meet him as requested at a highway reststop with our toddler because he was busy, missed us during our family visit, and wanted to see her.
It's meant focusing on other family at gatherings when we're in town. If he shows up hours late, just as we're leaving, we say we're sorry we missed you and keep to our schedule.
This ensures we put ourselves first and aren't sucked into his cycle of second class citizen treatment.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 06:58
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
You are only hearing one side of the story as well. Maybe cousin remembers more because it was such a big deal to her or she had nothing.
If I found out my parents had been helping someone else (we didn't have much) I would feel so good since my parents are great people and that person needed it. I had stable family and much love.
The DH story is very sad.
If I found out my parents had been helping someone else (we didn't have much) I would feel so good since my parents are great people and that person needed it. I had stable family and much love.
The DH story is very sad.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 06:48
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
OP, was the cousin your parents helped at college from a less fortunate situation than you? (Either way, sorry it stung.)
And it's sad to hear about DH's story. Whatever the financial circumstances are to go along with it, favoritism that leaves your kids out in such a deliberate and thorough way is hurtful and damaging. I hope that he has been able to heal and move on from that in helpful ways.
And it's sad to hear about DH's story. Whatever the financial circumstances are to go along with it, favoritism that leaves your kids out in such a deliberate and thorough way is hurtful and damaging. I hope that he has been able to heal and move on from that in helpful ways.
Anonymous
09/07/2013 05:17
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
How are they treating you now, OP?
Anonymous
09/06/2013 21:38
Subject: Are your parents kinder to other people than you?
I am not talking so much about a street angel/home devil, but that they give more to others.
Cousin told me about how nice my parents were to her during college, sending gifts and paying a higher percentage of her tuition than they gave me. I was surprised and disappointed. My parents never ever sent me a gift, ever.
DH's father gave his step kids more than his own, a lot more. Worse yet, he refused to pay child support while giving the steps a luxury home complete with pool. DH can't even swim due to lack of exposure to pools and beaches. That story is even more strange than mine. It sometimes felt like their self esteem was s low that any other kid was better.
Cousin told me about how nice my parents were to her during college, sending gifts and paying a higher percentage of her tuition than they gave me. I was surprised and disappointed. My parents never ever sent me a gift, ever.
DH's father gave his step kids more than his own, a lot more. Worse yet, he refused to pay child support while giving the steps a luxury home complete with pool. DH can't even swim due to lack of exposure to pools and beaches. That story is even more strange than mine. It sometimes felt like their self esteem was s low that any other kid was better.