OP,

If you're in the yard getting lawn work done, then I don't see why your mom can't visit with the kids while you're doing that anyway and not supervising them. Not sure why your presence is needed for the visit. How old are your kids?

You sound a little controlling. (And a little unsympathetic--you know you're mom is lonely and "not long for this world." Oy.)

How about when she shows up, literally stop what you are doing and leave the house. Just pick up the kids and leave. Gt in your car and drive away. Go around the block. It will be a challenge at first, but that could work. If you are in your yard, just get in your car when she pulls up. No conversation other than, "We'll see you for your scheduled dinner on Thursday mom. Bye!"

Op here. I was asking for strategies not judgment. We both work 50+ hours a week in high-stress shift work (think military, law enforcement--this includes the overnight shift) leaving the one who is with the kids effectively a single parent for a good part of the day. Like everybody else, we are just trying to get stuff done like lawn work, grocery shopping and housework in the time that we are off from work. We make time for family but we also need time to get stuff done. Multiple visits per week are not conducive to that. I am asking for strategies from people who have been in a similar situation, not commentary.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said, preemptive, ie scheduled visits, do nothing to stop random visits, in fact they sort of encourage her. And as far as not answering the door that doesn't work if you're outside in the yard, which is where we are often in the summer.

ok not to be funny but if you are in the yard what is the big deal?
is it just the principle and/or she just gets on your nerves?

You are talking this way about your own mother? How sad.

Help her find activities that she will enjoy.

OP here. As I said, preemptive, ie scheduled visits, do nothing to stop random visits, in fact they sort of encourage her. And as far as not answering the door that doesn't work if you're outside in the yard, which is where we are often in the summer.

My mother is dead. Can I have yours ? I would never be too busy for her.

Set up times. how often do you call and invite her over? If rarely she may think that if she doesn't stop by she will never see the kids. You can either do it as a schedule - Thursday afternoons and Sunday dinner or call each week and set up a couple times for her to drop by.

So glad mine lives in FL. I'd lose it.

Can you set up some times for her to visit, say for dinner twice a week? Then you could control when she is coming, and then she would know that there will be time to see the kids. Have her come on Sunday and Thursdays.

How does she respond when she is turned away? Can you just keep doing that?

Yeah what 19:00 said. Simply don't answer the door.

Wow. Have you tried not answering the door?

My mother has been told repeatedly that she cannot just drop by, that she needs to call first. She refuses to do this but not in any kind of upfront way. She just says I was in the neighborhood and tries to brush off the angry reception and says she wants to see the grandkids (as if this does not involve the parents). She has been told we are busy and turned away at the door (getting ready for work, eg) , we have gotten incredibly angry, she has been explained why she cannot just drop by in other conversations, preemptive visits have been scheduled. None of this works. She is lonely, doesn't have a lot going on in her life and stops by whenever. Today it was actually two visits in one day. I am angry and out of ideas. Have you been able to put a stop to this behavior? HOw?