Anonymous
Post 08/21/2013 12:14     Subject: Re:Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
My brother was a terror until he was about 40 and my parents did the same thing. My mom always says, well, we never had to worry about you. Actually, they did because I had a lot of problems and suffered quietly in my youth but he was just sooooo bad they had to focus on him. It still makes me angry and i truly feel like I was neglected in many regards but I think all we can do now is just believe they did the best they could and do better with our own children.
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2013 12:02     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
Oh, and my parents flat out told me once: Yes, we know we kinda neglect(ed) you. But we figured you would be okay, and that we could make it up to you later.
Gee, thanks Mom. Frankly, I don't think it's any better than your Mom refusing to own up.
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2013 12:01     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am happily married with 2 great kids. And yes, I feel like the slighted sibling.

In a nutshell my (married) sister is extremely needy and dependent and always has been. My parents bend over backwards to help her out/coddle her, etc. My sister and my mother both are extremely melodramatic and there is always some major drama in my sister's life requiring my mom to drop everything and help her out.

I've always been more independent, and DH and I have a good life, marriage, etc. so I think my parents just think they don't need to "worry" about me, and focus all of their energy/efforts on her.

I've tried talking with them several times VERY CANDIDLY about how this really hurts my feelings and they always vehemently deny that its true, and usually my mom ends up crying and I end up feeling like a douche. So I don't want to discuss it with them any more, I just want to figure out how to cope with it on my own without wanting to explode with frustration.


NP here, OP I totally get where you're at. Both DH and I have struggled our entire lives as the "second kid" (in attention, not age). It's not a married/single, daughter/son, money/no money thing... it's a combination of two totally different family dynamics, which oddly enough have left both of us feeling like "I come second" which equals "our family comes second" now.

I only have two tidbits of advice. One, try to be grateful to somtimes fly under the radar. Sometimes it IS nice to be left alone to do your own thing and we constantly try to remind each other of this. Secondly, try to accept the family dynamic as it is, and find a way around it. Ie, IL's are never going to change, we are always going to be #2 in their eyes. So we have formed closer relationships with other friends and family members. The nice part about this is, we got to pick who those people were
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 21:39     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
OP here. I am happily married with 2 great kids. And yes, I feel like the slighted sibling.

In a nutshell my (married) sister is extremely needy and dependent and always has been. My parents bend over backwards to help her out/coddle her, etc. My sister and my mother both are extremely melodramatic and there is always some major drama in my sister's life requiring my mom to drop everything and help her out.

I've always been more independent, and DH and I have a good life, marriage, etc. so I think my parents just think they don't need to "worry" about me, and focus all of their energy/efforts on her.

I've tried talking with them several times VERY CANDIDLY about how this really hurts my feelings and they always vehemently deny that its true, and usually my mom ends up crying and I end up feeling like a douche. So I don't want to discuss it with them any more, I just want to figure out how to cope with it on my own without wanting to explode with frustration.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 18:00     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
Check the public library for these titles:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_21?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=adult%20sibling%20rivalry&sprefix=adult+sibling+rivalry%2Caps%2C557
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 17:57     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not op, but I am not married, don't have kids, and am the unflavored sibling. The others are married with kids and I am the excluded black sheep. It sucks, makes me feel very alone, and I would like advice on dealing with it too,


I used to be in your situation as well and after I got married and had kids, I still feel like the unfavored one. In my case, I don't think my parents actually favor my brother. I think they are afraid of my SIL and know that she will hold it against them if they don't comply with her wishes and demands. With me, they know that I would never do that so my needs are often overlooked in favor of hers. It sucks but I blame it more on my brother and SIL than on my parents. On the other hand, I have really awesome in-laws and my husband's sister is great.


That was a really helpful advice. Talk about being self-involved.


My point in sharing is that the issue that pp is facing may have nothing to do with her lack of a husband and kids. Marriage and kids didn't change anything for me. The problem may not be with the relationship you have with your parents either. It could be a deeper issue between your parents and your siblings. In my case the relationship between my parents and sil is clearly strained so they feel the need to bow to her wishes. There is nothing I can do to change that and so I just accept the relationship that I have and move on, counting my blessings that the other side of the family doesn't have the same drama.

And the helpful piece of advice that you offered was....?


Pp here who feels isolated. Yes, that's true I think. I've always been the left out, unfavored sibling. But being single and childless makes things worse because my siblings now have even more stature. They can use the kids to get my parents to favor them. (Ie, announce plans for Christmas and my parents go along with it because otherwise they don't get to see kids.)
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 17:50     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not op, but I am not married, don't have kids, and am the unflavored sibling. The others are married with kids and I am the excluded black sheep. It sucks, makes me feel very alone, and I would like advice on dealing with it too,


I used to be in your situation as well and after I got married and had kids, I still feel like the unfavored one. In my case, I don't think my parents actually favor my brother. I think they are afraid of my SIL and know that she will hold it against them if they don't comply with her wishes and demands. With me, they know that I would never do that so my needs are often overlooked in favor of hers. It sucks but I blame it more on my brother and SIL than on my parents. On the other hand, I have really awesome in-laws and my husband's sister is great.


That was a really helpful advice. Talk about being self-involved.


My point in sharing is that the issue that pp is facing may have nothing to do with her lack of a husband and kids. Marriage and kids didn't change anything for me. The problem may not be with the relationship you have with your parents either. It could be a deeper issue between your parents and your siblings. In my case the relationship between my parents and sil is clearly strained so they feel the need to bow to her wishes. There is nothing I can do to change that and so I just accept the relationship that I have and move on, counting my blessings that the other side of the family doesn't have the same drama.

And the helpful piece of advice that you offered was....?
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 17:46     Subject: Re:Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
I don't know of a book but I just want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. I watched my husband struggle with it so I know how hard it can be for an un-favored sibling. Shame on parents who favor one over the other. Depending on your situation you may want to lay it all out there with your parents. I encouraged my husband to do this and I think it really changed things for the better.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 17:26     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not op, but I am not married, don't have kids, and am the unflavored sibling. The others are married with kids and I am the excluded black sheep. It sucks, makes me feel very alone, and I would like advice on dealing with it too,


I used to be in your situation as well and after I got married and had kids, I still feel like the unfavored one. In my case, I don't think my parents actually favor my brother. I think they are afraid of my SIL and know that she will hold it against them if they don't comply with her wishes and demands. With me, they know that I would never do that so my needs are often overlooked in favor of hers. It sucks but I blame it more on my brother and SIL than on my parents. On the other hand, I have really awesome in-laws and my husband's sister is great.


That was a really helpful advice. Talk about being self-involved.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 16:49     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
Anonymous wrote:Not op, but I am not married, don't have kids, and am the unflavored sibling. The others are married with kids and I am the excluded black sheep. It sucks, makes me feel very alone, and I would like advice on dealing with it too,


I used to be in your situation as well and after I got married and had kids, I still feel like the unfavored one. In my case, I don't think my parents actually favor my brother. I think they are afraid of my SIL and know that she will hold it against them if they don't comply with her wishes and demands. With me, they know that I would never do that so my needs are often overlooked in favor of hers. It sucks but I blame it more on my brother and SIL than on my parents. On the other hand, I have really awesome in-laws and my husband's sister is great.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 15:58     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
Not op, but I am not married, don't have kids, and am the unflavored sibling. The others are married with kids and I am the excluded black sheep. It sucks, makes me feel very alone, and I would like advice on dealing with it too,
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 15:56     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
No recommendation but assuming you are the least favored one. It sucks but there is really nothing that you can do in my opinion other than to laugh at it with true friends. Are you married? Do you have children? If so, focus on those positive aspects.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2013 12:30     Subject: Books for coping with adult sibling rivalry/unequal parental treatment etc.
I am really having a hard time with this. Could anyone recommend a good book?

Thanks.