I would recommend that you read "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" by Adele Farber and Elaine Maslich (sp?). I know it's not geared toward MILs, but I think it will help you to remove yourself from the situation enough to respond in a calm manner. After all, our kids learn to push our buttons, and that's what the book helps you deal with (there was also an example in the book of a woman whose parents always criticized her, and how the techniques in the book helped her deal with her parents).

What you need to do is not take anything personally, especially since you know that she acts like this to everyone. For example:
- She says: You feed her too much! Your response: Thanks for your opinion, Mom. We think we have a handle on the situation.
- She says: You didn't make enough of this food and too much of the yucky stuff. Your response: Thanks for letting us know! (or) Do you really think so? Hmm.

But you need to be 100% calm and in control when you talk to her. This will take time and a lot of work, but it can be done (I'm speaking from personal experience here).

If she says anything really egregious, you can always follow the Carolyn Hax method: "Wow." And leave it at that.

GL!

My MIL is a very negative, controlling, picky person who makes these remarks that leave DH and me staggering from the blow. And she honestly loves us, all of her children and grandchildren. She's equally negative and mean-spirited to them, sometimes. She gets anxious. We know we can't change her behavior. She's not someone we want to cut out of our life, what I need are some tools to handle her comments better. I don't want a sword play where I say something mean back, I want strategies and calming thoughts. I'd esp like book recommendations as then I can read and revisit before we see her. I did a quick search and couldn't find anything. Describing her personality: at our one year old's birthday party, she told DH the baby was drinking too much milk ("stop feeding her!"), and told me I made too much of a dish people didn't eat a lot of and not enough of one that people did (??), that I was carrying the baby too much and that the baby is too attached to me. (And I don't want to debate her or anyone on any of these points, I simply want to take a breath, use some internal strategy, and move on.)