Anonymous wrote:My mom is visiting to see my dd for a week and we had a dust-up earlier this week. My mom is 73. She's in good shape for a 73-yr-old but she moves fairly slowly and tires easily. Earlier this week I came home from work to find that she had done quite a bit of yard work. She had weeded and hauled dozens of heavy stones to line a couple of flower beds in my backyard. She told me she had taken some muscle relaxants because her back was hurting. I'm afraid I got on her case for doing that. I said I appreciated her help but I didn't think she should be lifting such heavy stones and she should have waited for me to get home to help. I didn't yell but I was pretty emphatic I thought she had done too much. She didn't take this well. Within an hour or so, I had apologized twice for my outburst.

Here's the problem: she's been giving me the modified silent treatment ever since. She is polite and speaks when she's around my dd but when she's just with me she's silent. After my dd goes to bed my mom disappears in her room immediately (at 7:30 p.m.) and doesn't reappear. This has been going on since Wed.

My mom has a history of giving me and other family members the silent treatment and I'm just sick of it. Am I doing the right thing by just trying to ignore this? It's bothering me but I don't want to encourage her to keep doing this. I'm way to old to be dealing with this crap. It could be a very long weekend. Any advice? Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your responses. It helped a lot. I basically ignored her behavior for the past few days and pretended like everything was fine. She acted okay in front of my daughter and just did it to me when we were alone. I had apologized (twice that night, when we had the incident) and as far as I was concerned that was the end of it. I think it must have worked because she finally cracked tonight and told me why she was still upset. I didn't apologize again but told her I understood why she was upset (seemed like a lame reason, but whatever) and that I had not intended to make her feel the way I had. Seems like her temper tantrum is over.

Thanks again for the support because I just can't believe I'm still dealing with this crap. She gave me the silent treatment a lot when I was a kid but its been a while since she's done it to me and I'm glad I found a way to break the cycle. At least this time.

Anonymous wrote:Here are some strategies to help with “starving” them out and breaking silent treatment.

· Don’t appear upset -
The best way to do this is not to actually allow the abuser’s actions to get you upset in the first place. Stop yourself getting stressed by having to hand a previously prepared positive list of things you will do to distract yourself from feeling overwhelmed by the silent treatment. Your list could include listening to uplifting music, exercising, watching your favourite comedy shows, engaging in hobbies such as painting, reading or the like.

· Be seen to be upbeat -
Essentially go about your normal day to day activities and be seen to be positively and contentedly getting on with your life in spite of their efforts to unsettle you.

· Refrain from engaging in tit-for-tat not speaking -
This is easier said than done but it pays to make a superhuman effort to speak to the other person as and when the need arises about everyday matters. When you talk to them be sure to use your normal delivery and tone of voice. Do not be tempted into trying to play them at their own game, for they are experts at it and it will ultimately get you no-where as regards eradicating such behaviour. Do not allow them to drag you down to their level of immaturity in dealing with the inevitable ups and down of a relationship. Two wrongs don’t make a right!

· Do not try to coax your partner into conversing with you -
Just be secure in the knowledge that if they don’t answer you, you will survive. You’ve survived in the past and you will survive now, only this time you will be surviving much more contentedly than in the past. When they don’t respond to you, or don’t respond well, simply move on with your day and refuse to dwell on their rudeness.

· Do not rise to the bait -
When they use sarcasm or will only speak to you in a patronizing manner, instead of getting upset or responding in kind, simply get on with enjoying something on your previously prepared silent treatment “Survival” list of things to do! Let them see that their attempt at trying to rile you is a waste of their time and yours! Remember - do not “feed” their habit.

Acting on the above guidance is not easy and you may falter at times. When this happens do just forgive yourself and then be sure to press on with the suggestions, for you know you deserve better treatment from your significant other. Make it a conscious choice to be responsible for your own happiness and soar above the Silent Treatment.

Please be aware that if you tell your partner your plans to put the above strategies into action and then, for some reason, you do not follow through, it will likely lead to your partner feeling triumphant and encourage them to engage in silent treatment emotional abuse even more! Therefore it is not recommended, at any stage, that you tell your partner about these strategies. Just do what you need to do without explanation or prior warning.

Anonymous wrote:

My mom has a history of giving me and other family members the silent treatment and I'm just sick of it. Am I doing the right thing by just trying to ignore this? It's bothering me but I don't want to encourage her to keep doing this. I'm way to old to be dealing with this crap. It could be a very long weekend. Any advice? Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, a 73 year old woman is about 60 years too old for the silent treatment behavior. I would tell her that you really enjoy that she visits and you appreciate her effort in trying to help with the yard. And that you are sorry for an outburst -- you are not ungrateful for her help with the yard.

Then you should tell her that if she is angry with you, that is understandable but she needs to communicate. You cannot have her being passive aggressive in front of your daughter, as it sets a terrible example, but it seems that will be the way things would have to be if she continues her behavior. Thus, if she would like to avoid communication with you she needs to end her visit. Right away. Tell her you'd be glad to help her pack and see her out. You can drive her to a hotel until she can drive or fly home.

Treat her like the badly behaved teenager is she is acting like. Sorry this is stressing you OP.

I agree with the bolded part and nothing else, except maybe communicating to her that this is not how you want your kids to see adult relationships. If you kick her out you're turning the situation into a war, which does not seem worth it. You can't fix her. If she is 73 she has found a way to get away with this behavior for a looonnngg time. She is a passive aggressive pro. Do not engage!

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, a 73 year old woman is about 60 years too old for the silent treatment behavior. I would tell her that you really enjoy that she visits and you appreciate her effort in trying to help with the yard. And that you are sorry for an outburst -- you are not ungrateful for her help with the yard.

Then you should tell her that if she is angry with you, that is understandable but she needs to communicate. You cannot have her being passive aggressive in front of your daughter, as it sets a terrible example, but it seems that will be the way things would have to be if she continues her behavior. Thus, if she would like to avoid communication with you she needs to end her visit. Right away. Tell her you'd be glad to help her pack and see her out. You can drive her to a hotel until she can drive or fly home.

Treat her like the badly behaved teenager is she is acting like. Sorry this is stressing you OP.