Wonder what Mel Gibson will be like in old age.

After a lifetime of espousing racial equality, at 85 my dad started namecalling and refusing to sit near minorities in public. It was humiliating, but once that behavior began, we limited his exposure to those situations. He treated all his cargivers with respect no matter who, and thanked them often, so go figure?

It's common for elderly people with dementia to lose their filters and say inappropriate things. Just apologize on their behalf and move on. I'm sure the nurse has heard it all before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I went through something like this with an older relative, I found that people were generally pretty understanding - they could see how embarrassed/shocked I was and they would just roll their eyes and give me a knowing smile.

We are in the process of moving her out of a nursing home to my house, and when I went to get some of her belongings she called one of the black nurses a racial slur in a very derogatory manner! I almost fell over. I apologized profusely to the nurse, but she just told my grandmother to call her by her name and told me it was ok.

I just don't want her to think that our family talks like that, my grandmother never did while I was growing up.

I know....it can really feel like a reflection of your family in general - like your closet racists or something. It goes beyond embarrassing, it's shaming. Even when people are understanding about it, you want to explain that your loved one NEVER talked like that (or thought like that) when they were well.

I don't know if they are remembering way back to a time when people did talk like that or if they are parroting something that they've heard another patient/resident say. It's baffling, I feel for you.

Anonymous wrote:A relative (who had serious dementia) once shocked me by casually using the word "Darky" to refer to some of the health providers in the facility. I had never, once, heard that relative use a term like that - ever. I think when older people develop dementia they tend to lose present day memories first and they are left with their memories from long ago - phrases, words that THEY grew up hearing from their elders.

I think this is true. My parents came to the US just post-college. My dad is now 80 and has spent almost 3/4 of his life here including his full professional career of 34 years. His English was quite good. However, now in his 80's he speaks broken English and sounds a little like he's only been here a few years. Yes, I agree that as you age, you lose your more recent memories first, even if you don't have dementia. It's just part of the process of aging.

Anonymous wrote:When my friend's dad had dementia they had little business cards printed up that explained the situation, and they would hand them out to people nearby if they were at a movie, for example. Luckily a lot of his comments were in his native, E. European language so not many understood.

That is an interesting idea. May be something to consider for my father.

Anonymous wrote:When I went through something like this with an older relative, I found that people were generally pretty understanding - they could see how embarrassed/shocked I was and they would just roll their eyes and give me a knowing smile.

We are in the process of moving her out of a nursing home to my house, and when I went to get some of her belongings she called one of the black nurses a racial slur in a very derogatory manner! I almost fell over. I apologized profusely to the nurse, but she just told my grandmother to call her by her name and told me it was ok.

I just don't want her to think that our family talks like that, my grandmother never did while I was growing up.

When my friend's dad had dementia they had little business cards printed up that explained the situation, and they would hand them out to people nearby if they were at a movie, for example. Luckily a lot of his comments were in his native, E. European language so not many understood.

When I went through something like this with an older relative, I found that people were generally pretty understanding - they could see how embarrassed/shocked I was and they would just roll their eyes and give me a knowing smile.

I'd apologize immediately but add something like "she has Tourette's." Seriously - just to deflect.

You apologize immediately on her behalf.

A relative (who had serious dementia) once shocked me by casually using the word "Darky" to refer to some of the health providers in the facility. I had never, once, heard that relative use a term like that - ever. I think when older people develop dementia they tend to lose present day memories first and they are left with their memories from long ago - phrases, words that THEY grew up hearing from their elders.

My mom does this some, too. It's generational and certainly dementia is part of it.

Oh that's a toughie. On the one hand I can see how that's embarrassing. On the other hand, I tend to give really old people some slack, figuring they're going senile, plus you probably only have a few more years with her (sorry if that sounds insensitive) so maybe I'd just deal with it.

How do I deal? I feel like I can't take her out in public, she makes insensitive and racist comments. She's pushing 90, and a bit senile but it mortifies me when she uses racial slurs!