OP here. I've been avoiding reading here, but I'm glad I did because there are some really helpful posts. Thank you! I really appreciate hearing from people who have been there.

I do agree once it gets to the point of moving to assisted living I will have to let brother and sister know in some capacity. I'm going to read up on demetia. He's not going to to be willing to do an MRI any time soon even if a doctor tells him to do it, but if I get concerned enough I'll find a way to make it happen.

It is actually helpful to hear things get worse. I suspected that, but knowing this is common helps me to mentally prepare.

I've started lurking on some caregiver support sites. There is so much useful advice, but regardless of the site there is always someone who comes on gives these caregivers a massive guilt trip for complaining. I think venting is healthy.

I'm going to try to keep my sense of humor about all this. Some of the conversations I have with my parents are both upsetting and downright hilarious. Often I can keep things in perspective and laugh except for the days I have other things upsetting me or haven't gotten anywhere enough sleep.

Thank you again!

Op, my parents have been dead for a long time. One of the things I still think about from time to time is how the relationship changed as they grew older, particularly my mom because my dad died on the younger side. Probably not what you want to hear, but this is just the beginning. By the end, I was like the parent, telling my.mom what to do just like she was a little kid, like put on your shoes before you go outside. That was hard, but the grumpiness was worse. It was like my mom lost her mental filters and said things that, frankly, shocked and embarrassed me. She got angry so fast at little slights and couldn't let them go. I've noticed this same thing with others as they've gotten old.

No real advice, except maybe try not to,worry about the what ifs and deal with them as they arise. You an make yourself crazy before you even have a problem. There are lots of supports for the elderly and it's likely that your parents have some friends who will help out a bit. Regardless, not sure of people's suggestion that you involve your family. So much of what you're describing now is the relationship, not actually needing to provide care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not exclude your siblings here.

With all due respect, I have to say I find this incredibly insensitive and unhelpful. One sentence telling me I need to include a sister who is more difficult to deal with than my parents are right now? Have you ever dealt with incredibly difficult people? Dealing with my sister's possible personality disorder has been nothing but toxic for me, my kids and my husband. I went to therapy and learned that I have a right to not have her in our lives to protect out own well-being. Do you think she helps my parents at all? No, she just makes everything about her and makes them more agitated. Unless you are praising her for her many accomplishments, it's unpleasant to interact with her.

My brother could die. The chemotherapy makes him depressed and fragile. The last thing he needs is the hear what's going on. His wife could tell you that and yes, we have discussed this. She too is emotionally fragile right now-understandable, and no, I am not going to burden her for this.

I'm sure you meant well with this sentence, but my guess is your family life is much different and it is hard for you to have any real understanding of what my situation is.

I think I should probably look for a caregiver support group.

No I don't have an easy family situation. But for you to withhold valid information is inappropriate. Your brother is an adult and can choose to tell you he can't be involved. Or might have great ideas. Your sister might be a pain to you but odds are she thinks the same of you. There is never only one side to anything.

My point is that you have siblings and shouldn't be assuming you know best and not even informing them of the issues.

PP, educate yourself about personality disorders and traits a little. If OPs sister has disorder or traits, she doesn't "think the same" as OP, or most people.

That said, OP, you can't "not share" with your siblings. Not for long, anyway. Trying to protect your brother is kind and noble, and trying to keep things from your sister is probably sensible, but you can't (shouldn't) do either. Why don't you call one or two assisted living community administrators about this? Even though you're not considering this kind of living arrangement as an option, they can be quite helpful. -In the unlikely event they haven't dealt with family situations like yours, they can point you to professionals who have, and are in a good position to advise you.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. It sounds like a situation that will become more challenging as time goes on, so you really do need to start establishing a good support network.

OP, I totally understand your issue and the fact that you feel alone dealing with your aging parents.

As an only child, I will be in the same position some day! My mother is getting crazier by the day, and my father, always uncommunicative, is retreating further and further away into his own little world.

The hardest part is when the aged cannot live without help yet refuse to take it. Usually an accident happens before they accept their disabilities and hire help (or move into assisted living).

Inform yourself of all possible options, have phone numbers of caregivers ready, etc. Then when the psychological moment strikes, you will be ready with a plan.

Sounds like your dad has dementia, OP. Has he had a brain MRI?

Dementia is progressive and you'll want to look into assisted living care sooner rather than later.

Ok! It sounds like you don't want help (suggestions) Are you a little like your Mother?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not exclude your siblings here.

With all due respect, I have to say I find this incredibly insensitive and unhelpful. One sentence telling me I need to include a sister who is more difficult to deal with than my parents are right now? Have you ever dealt with incredibly difficult people? Dealing with my sister's possible personality disorder has been nothing but toxic for me, my kids and my husband. I went to therapy and learned that I have a right to not have her in our lives to protect out own well-being. Do you think she helps my parents at all? No, she just makes everything about her and makes them more agitated. Unless you are praising her for her many accomplishments, it's unpleasant to interact with her.

My brother could die. The chemotherapy makes him depressed and fragile. The last thing he needs is the hear what's going on. His wife could tell you that and yes, we have discussed this. She too is emotionally fragile right now-understandable, and no, I am not going to burden her for this.

I'm sure you meant well with this sentence, but my guess is your family life is much different and it is hard for you to have any real understanding of what my situation is.

I think I should probably look for a caregiver support group.

No I don't have an easy family situation. But for you to withhold valid information is inappropriate. Your brother is an adult and can choose to tell you he can't be involved. Or might have great ideas. Your sister might be a pain to you but odds are she thinks the same of you. There is never only one side to anything.

My point is that you have siblings and shouldn't be assuming you know best and not even informing them of the issues.

Im sorry PP , but are you crazy? The OPs brother is dying from cancer and you think its a good time to bring up Mom & Dad may need to go to a nursing home, their health is declining etc. While shes at it should she ask if they want to buy group funeral plots?! NO!


It is 100% OK not to burden your brother with this right now,I am sure he and his family are having to make many tough choices about his medical care they do not need to make them for your parents as well. As for your sister I totally get her being a pain in the ass and not worth including at this point, if and when you need to move your parents in to an assisted living center you should have a conversation with her as to what you need from her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not exclude your siblings here.

With all due respect, I have to say I find this incredibly insensitive and unhelpful. One sentence telling me I need to include a sister who is more difficult to deal with than my parents are right now? Have you ever dealt with incredibly difficult people? Dealing with my sister's possible personality disorder has been nothing but toxic for me, my kids and my husband. I went to therapy and learned that I have a right to not have her in our lives to protect out own well-being. Do you think she helps my parents at all? No, she just makes everything about her and makes them more agitated. Unless you are praising her for her many accomplishments, it's unpleasant to interact with her.

My brother could die. The chemotherapy makes him depressed and fragile. The last thing he needs is the hear what's going on. His wife could tell you that and yes, we have discussed this. She too is emotionally fragile right now-understandable, and no, I am not going to burden her for this.

I'm sure you meant well with this sentence, but my guess is your family life is much different and it is hard for you to have any real understanding of what my situation is.

I think I should probably look for a caregiver support group.

No I don't have an easy family situation. But for you to withhold valid information is inappropriate. Your brother is an adult and can choose to tell you he can't be involved. Or might have great ideas. Your sister might be a pain to you but odds are she thinks the same of you. There is never only one side to anything.

My point is that you have siblings and shouldn't be assuming you know best and not even informing them of the issues.

How old are your parents, OP? Seeing your parents decline is very hard. You are entering the sandwich years of life where you must care for your chikdren and parents at the same time.

I watched my parents deal with the decline of one of my grandparents not too long ago and it was pretty awful. At times, as an observer, I felt like some of it could have been avoided-- more exercise, better diet, more community involvement, less fearfulness/anxiety and more desire to embrace retirement rather than take it as a license to allow yourself to sit home, waste away on what I'd meds for issues that could be solved with lifestyle changes, and wait for your kids to take care of you. Now, I'm watching my parents age and I'm seeing some of the old patterns repeat-- lots of excuses for why my mother can't join the local pool and take a senior exercise class (though when I was a child of course I had to go to the pool every day!!), lots of excuses why my father won't enroll in a local adult ed program, lots of excuses why they won't travel more, why they don't eat better, why they don't read a lot or volunteer... in the end, they seem to be getting a little more cranky year by year and I'm afraid that in the end they will just whine about why their kids can't be like everyone else and live down the block or at least within 10 minutes (in an area DH and I can't afford and even if we could afford to live there, we don't want to live there).

In the end, I think you can only do so much for them. Ensure they are safe, comfortable, talk to their doctors when you need to and give them certain options when it comes down to it, i.e., no, it is not possible for you to stay in this house anymore after you fractured your hip unless you have a home health aide, and I have to work full time and care for small children and I'm sorry mom, but they come first. So, which is it? Choice a) home health aide, or choice b) assisted living center. Just one example.

Anonymous wrote:You need to not exclude your siblings here.

With all due respect, I have to say I find this incredibly insensitive and unhelpful. One sentence telling me I need to include a sister who is more difficult to deal with than my parents are right now? Have you ever dealt with incredibly difficult people? Dealing with my sister's possible personality disorder has been nothing but toxic for me, my kids and my husband. I went to therapy and learned that I have a right to not have her in our lives to protect out own well-being. Do you think she helps my parents at all? No, she just makes everything about her and makes them more agitated. Unless you are praising her for her many accomplishments, it's unpleasant to interact with her.

My brother could die. The chemotherapy makes him depressed and fragile. The last thing he needs is the hear what's going on. His wife could tell you that and yes, we have discussed this. She too is emotionally fragile right now-understandable, and no, I am not going to burden her for this.

I'm sure you meant well with this sentence, but my guess is your family life is much different and it is hard for you to have any real understanding of what my situation is.

I think I should probably look for a caregiver support group.

You need to not exclude your siblings here.

OP here..

Brother: Has a serious health issue and he is married with young kids. I don't expect or want him to help with anything, I just want him to get healthy. I also don't want to add to his stress. Usually he is someone I can talk to about anything, but he has so much on his plate and I prefer to only talk with him about funny stories and good news these days-anything uplifting.

Sister: career star, but very immature and self-centered and it is much easier when she stays out of things. When she gets involved in anything it causes so many headaches (literally and figuratively) for me.

You referred to a "we" when talking about growing up. Where are your siblings in all of this?

Just a vent. I think my dad is slowly going senile. He sometimes has the most vacant look, other times he is sharp as a tack. He sometimes thinks it is like 40 years ago, but then he snaps back fast. He is also getting more difficult. My mother is just becoming more cranky, probably in part from dealing with him, and she is having more health issues. She is good about getting together with friends and doing other things she enjoys. If I try to offer help she usually gets offended and sometimes tells me off for treating her like a child. Other times she accepts help and is very gracious. She loses her temper more easily-more like when we were growing up and she was stressed out, not like her retired more laid back self.

I know I am very lucky to have had them healthy and 100% cognitively together for as long as I did. I am also lucky I can afford to do the things I need to do to take care of myself and I have a mostly good and healthy marriage and my kids are at a good place. I think when they start to need more help, if they get really defiant I will join a support group. I am adjusting to the fact I need to be the more mature one and expect and forgive their cranky episodes. I am also trying not to take anything personally. I also stop myself everytime I wonder...what if they decline at the same time one of my kids go through a difficult time, what if one goes completely senile and the other goes into denial...

Vent over.