Handle this with grace. Therein lies your answer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems sort of odd to exclude a relative from a religious event. It would seem that for religious events one would put differences aside.

Hi, OP here. I TOTALLY agree with your statement in theory. The negative thoughts and feelings definitely don't come from me...I just don't want her negative comments to cloud the day for our DCs (and me, truth be told). I feel like I always have to defend myself and my actions regarding MY kids. If she doesn't say something directly to me, she will talk about me when I am not there.

But you don't. Just prepare a polite, neutral response to any criticism, and don't let her comments become more important than they really are. It would be one thing if this relative was prone to behavior that really could ruin an event--drunken rages, etc. But being negative and gossipy, while annoying, is really not blacklist-worthy conduct. And who cares if she talks about you behind your back? Presumably everyone knows what she's like and takes anything she says with a grain of salt.

Had a similar situation with my BIL and his wife. Very negative and callous people (like soap opera level mean). We let them know that they were welcome to attend our co-ed baby shower but made our boundaries clear about acceptable behavior and attending with a positive spirit. The BIL got it and has since come to functions with a generous mindframe, his wife...not so much. She's a no show for most family events which we're all just fine with.
Have a kind, but firm convo with this relative and leave the decision with them as to whether they can be respectful and attend in the right spirit.

Anonymous wrote:It seems sort of odd to exclude a relative from a religious event. It would seem that for religious events one would put differences aside.

Hi, OP here. I TOTALLY agree with your statement in theory. The negative thoughts and feelings definitely don't come from me...I just don't want her negative comments to cloud the day for our DCs (and me, truth be told). I feel like I always have to defend myself and my actions regarding MY kids. If she doesn't say something directly to me, she will talk about me when I am not there.

Have your child issue the invitation in writing.

"Aunt Jane,
I'd like to invite you to my xxx on September 1st. I am very excited for this day and I hope my family and friends will help make it very special for me. There will be a ceremony at 1pm and we will have a party at home after that. I hope you can share my day."

Then focus on the child and the celebration from there. If she says or does anything simply say "Not now Jane, this is Susie's day." If she loves the child she will curb herself. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

My SIL wasn't invited to DS baptism, she's a total bitch and after her bad behavior at my bridal shower, wedding, & baby shower - along with christmas, thanksgiving and easter. I refused to let he ruin another special event for my family. My MIL wasn't pleased but DH and I had a lovely day with family and friends.

It seems sort of odd to exclude a relative from a religious event. It would seem that for religious events one would put differences aside.

Invite her if she is in the same category of other relatives you r inviting (all first cousins, all aunts etc)

Hi, all -- I've been postponing an important religious event for my DCs due to the fact that I cannot decide whether or not to invite a relative who is close to my DCs (of a different faith than ours). I know this family member will be hurt if I don't invite her, but I really don't know if I want her there. I know that she has talked about me behind my back to other family members (she talks about most people, so I am not singled out). This relative can be very negative and critical of me as a parent. I know she really loves my DCs, though, and I don't want them to have to keep the event a secret from her.

Any thoughts on how to go through with this event?