OP here. Thank you to everybody for all of your comments. Having everyone's perspective helps a lot. I have spoken to my kids about their cousins' behavior and why some things were problematic. We are close to SIL's family, and I would like to stay that way. I've done a lot of thinking about SIL's DD's behavior. She has some sensory issues and has a lot of rigidity in her behavior, so I think some empathy is in order.

Anonymous wrote:So wait... Your children only behave when every other child in their presence is behaving. So when they act up in school you are going to blame the other kids in the room for teaching them bad behavior?

+100. The situation sucks, but please use it as a teaching opportunity for your kids.

So wait... Your children only behave when every other child in their presence is behaving. So when they act up in school you are going to blame the other kids in the room for teaching them bad behavior?

Anonymous wrote:My DH's sister has 2 kids, and so do we. Both of us have 4 year old girls and 2 year old boys. SIL and BIL allow their kids to backtalk to parents/grandparents and hit each other without much consequence. They visited, and some of the verbal behavior was rubbing off on my daughter. I am concerned, because I think that the lack of discipline will only get worse. I tried to avoid getting involved with SIL's kids' behavior as much as possible. Can anyone give any advice? Thanks!

My BFF's kid is like this. After mouthing off to me in a BIG way he is no longer welcome in our house. FWIW, this is an 8 yr old who knows better. My DS started in with some of this child's behavior and DH and I sat him down and had a serious talk with him about behavior and expectations.

Just keep reinforcing your own rules and expectations. If it isn't cousins, it is friends or classmates...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4 and 2 year old? Please they are sooo little--you are too high maintenence

Oh BS. My son is 2 and knows he needs to say please and thank you. And that yelling orders gets him nowhere.

Kids rise (or fall) to wherever you set your expectations.

Absolutely right! OP, you are correct to be concerned. These parents are not setting expectations for their kids, and the kids are running things; this will not be "something they grow out of" and is not a case of "you are too high maintenance." These kids' behaviors will get worse, not better, as they get older, and it will be far more difficult for the parents to discipline them later than to work with them on these behaviors now.

You mention that they came to visit -- that makes it sound to me as if they live farther away than just around the corner. I hope so. If you have the advantage of distance, use it; you do want to see family sometimes, but if they want more frequent or longer visits than you want, well, be too busy: "We're away that day, the kids have an event that day" and so on. (Then make it true and BE busy -- soon your kids will be old enough that they'll have activities of their own anyway.)

In particular do not ever cave to any ideas of "Let's go on vacation together!" Just read the nightmare threads here about families sharing beach houses!

By ages two and four, kids definitely can be using basic manners. It does come back to haunt parents if the kids are treated like little adults and left to do as they please. I've seen it with our niece who is now a young teenager -- we only see her once a year and though she can be a delight when she is engaged and interested, the instant she is "done" with you, she is cold and rude until she can get away. She is utterly disinterested in her elderly, frail grandparents -- sure, many kids her age would be disinterested! - but she has never been taught she must sometimes engage with them anyway, ask them questions occasionally, or otherwise at least put on a polite attempt to interact for at least a while. It's sad, and her parents let her get away with it because she always has, and they write it off as her just "being herself."

Anonymous wrote:4 and 2 year old? Please they are sooo little--you are too high maintenence

Oh BS. My son is 2 and knows he needs to say please and thank you. And that yelling orders gets him nowhere.

Kids rise (or fall) to wherever you set your expectations.

4 and 2 year old? Please they are sooo little--you are too high maintenence

We have a similar situation in our family except it's my cousin's kids. We don't allow them to speak that way to us. When they're rude, we simply say "I'm sorry but when you speak that way, I can't understand what you're saying". If they want something it's "I'm sorry but until you can ask nicely, I can't give it to you". We don't let them be mean to our kids either. When play gets beyond the ability of our kids to handle, we separate the kids and tell them they since they can't play well together, they'll play separately. I don't see it as disciplining my cousin's kids. I see it as setting healthy boundaries. But, it's important to keep your tone matter of fact with no emotion.

Keep a distance from them. Based on what you wrote, the situation with these kids is only going to get worse as they get older and you don't want to be there when the s*it hits the fan-- when the little boy grows up to be a rotten teenager who hits his girlfriend, when the daughter starts shoplifting, etc. Your own kids are better off with good friends rather than crappy cousins who will make everyone else around this miserable.

We had this exact problem over the holiday and weekend. My SIL came to visit. Her 8 yr old threw a tantrum in Target...the laying on the floor, kicking and screaming kind. The 6 yr old daughter if she wants more food just reaches into your plate, bowl whatever and grabs what she wants...doesn't say please or thank you. She is generally mean to my daughters who are 6 and 4 years old. Their parent never said anything ever to correct their behavior. We took the kids bowling and the 8 yr old was throwing a tantrum because my older daughter was winning. Everytime she bowled he ran screaming and crying red faced through the bowling alley. The manager came over and told us that if he did it again he is going to have to leave. SIL says there is nothing wrong with his behavior. We took them to the pool, I brought snacks for all the kids...after they had eaten all of those the parents give them money for candy but didn't offer my kids any or offer to give them money, I thought that was completely rude.

They live abroad and want us to come visit. I told husband no...not spending my time and money to be with them. My kids asked why they don't have manners and asked last night when they were leaving and then asked if they have any other cousins. Unfortunately, they don't.

Grandparents seem to overlook their bad behaviors and actually favor SILs kids.

+1 No big deal. When your kids get older, they will notice and dislike the rude behavior towards the grandparents.

Mind your own business. If you don't like their behavior, don't let them come over.

Our nieces and nephews are different ages than DD, so it is a little easier to have different parenting styles. But even so, we have explained to DD that different families and houses have different rules. We always expect her to abide by our family's rules at the bare minimum (and if she is visiting someone with stricter rules to accept those). And those visiting our house need to be made aware of the house rules and abide by them or they will have the same consequences as your kids would.

A long time ago (DD is now 8) I made peace with the fact that I might be known as the mean mommy. It was a rather pleasant surprise when DD's more rambunctious, sassy friends fell in line while visiting our home. Some kids really just need to know what the boundaries are.

If you are lucky, your in-laws will learn from your example. And I doubt there was any permanent damage to your kids. With a few gentle reminders they will be back to their previous habits before you know it.

My DH's sister has 2 kids, and so do we. Both of us have 4 year old girls and 2 year old boys. SIL and BIL allow their kids to backtalk to parents/grandparents and hit each other without much consequence. They visited, and some of the verbal behavior was rubbing off on my daughter. I am concerned, because I think that the lack of discipline will only get worse. I tried to avoid getting involved with SIL's kids' behavior as much as possible. Can anyone give any advice? Thanks!