Agree with the previous two posts. Your response to her wasn't very gracious. Just silently do what you want with the toys and learn how to tune her out when she criticizes your choices.

Anonymous wrote:Take the toys. Keep anything that can be cleaned and used. Then box them up the rest and recycle/donate/hide them.

The bigger issue seems to be that she is constantly questioning your choices. Just tell her that you know that child-rearing norms have changed since she was raising her kids, but you're following the advice of your pediatrician. You know that you have different ideas about what's safe/necessary, but you don't appreciate the constant criticisms and you'd appreciate it if she saved any comments for times she truly thinks you're doing something that might endanger your children. Then stop with the back and forth. Seriously, stop engaging.

Part of the dynamic here seems to be that you feel the need to assert your parenting supremacy over her verbally--"I'll have to look over the toys because some of them might not be safe." Just say, "Thanks, Grandma! I'd love to see my husband's old toys!" You don't even have to tell her you're going to sort through them, just sort through them. "Thanks for digging out those toys. Brayden really loves his dad's old trucks!"

Which is to say, disengage. She probably feels defensive because she raised her kids under the safety standards of the day, and you're constantly telling her that those aren't good enough.

Insightful post.

Anonymous wrote:Grandma doesn't leave. We are all living on the same farm (different houses). And I am talking about things even goodwill wouldn't want.

Not trying to be defensive here -honest. But none of you are concerned about old toys with lead paint, etc. ? I wasn't vetoing everything sight unseen, but this is the Grandma who thinks she shouldn't have to put her gun away at her house and thinks I am unreasonable for not letting him stay there overnight.

I love old toys. Have MIL keep them at her house for your children to play with when they're there. That will keep them "special" for your children and satisfy your MIL, and the exposure to anything dangerous will be minimal because they won't have access to them during all their waking hours.

My parents set up a playroom in their basement for all the grandchildren, and it's full of all our old toys. (Love those vintage Fisher Price toys-- house, hospital, farm, garage, boat and camper!) It's always a highlight of any visit for my children, and I love seeing all the things I used to love as a child. In general I'm a very vigilant parents, especially about toxins, etc., but I have no worries about the old toys.

What are they? Lawn darts?

Anonymous wrote:Grandma doesn't leave. We are all living on the same farm (different houses). And I am talking about things even goodwill wouldn't want.

Not trying to be defensive here -honest. But none of you are concerned about old toys with lead paint, etc. ? I wasn't vetoing everything sight unseen, but this is the Grandma who thinks she shouldn't have to put her gun away at her house and thinks I am unreasonable for not letting him stay there overnight.

She meant well. Can you put them away in the attic for a while then throw in the dump?

My MIL bought plastic cups/bowls/bottles made in China for my kid and I have doubts that these items are BPA free. I mentioned that we're out of storage space and she offered for us to store whatever we don't use right away at her place so that's what I did, but things in boxes, tape them up and sent back to her place.

Take the toys. Keep anything that can be cleaned and used. Then box them up the rest and recycle/donate/hide them.

The bigger issue seems to be that she is constantly questioning your choices. Just tell her that you know that child-rearing norms have changed since she was raising her kids, but you're following the advice of your pediatrician. You know that you have different ideas about what's safe/necessary, but you don't appreciate the constant criticisms and you'd appreciate it if she saved any comments for times she truly thinks you're doing something that might endanger your children. Then stop with the back and forth. Seriously, stop engaging.

Part of the dynamic here seems to be that you feel the need to assert your parenting supremacy over her verbally--"I'll have to look over the toys because some of them might not be safe." Just say, "Thanks, Grandma! I'd love to see my husband's old toys!" You don't even have to tell her you're going to sort through them, just sort through them. "Thanks for digging out those toys. Brayden really loves his dad's old trucks!"

Which is to say, disengage. She probably feels defensive because she raised her kids under the safety standards of the day, and you're constantly telling her that those aren't good enough.

Anonymous wrote:Wait a few years after your kids have outgrown some of your favorite toys and nostalgically you put them away for your grandchildren. Just graciously accept the toys and get rid of what you don't want. Making this a safety issue is like a slap in the face - you didn't care as much as I do. Just let her have her memories.

OP, you would do well to listen to this wise poster.

With my MIL it's garage sale items... Including a car seat! I don't mind gently used items but the things she buys are not necessarily in good shape, or things that can easily be cleaned. I try to be polite and commend how nice it is that ds can play with them at HER house (so I can try to avoid having to take them home). The items just look so grungy, and I'm not a germaphobe at all. And sometimes I need to repair them so they don't cut off his fingers or something (seriously had to ask her for a hammer and nails so I could fix a small wooden chair and desk that trapped my finger when I tried to move it, and she didnt understand why I wanted to fix it first)

I did outright nix the car seat and crib mattress.

Grandma doesn't leave. We are all living on the same farm (different houses). And I am talking about things even goodwill wouldn't want.

Not trying to be defensive here -honest. But none of you are concerned about old toys with lead paint, etc. ? I wasn't vetoing everything sight unseen, but this is the Grandma who thinks she shouldn't have to put her gun away at her house and thinks I am unreasonable for not letting him stay there overnight.

A lot of places won't even accept old toys for donations because of lead paint and other toxins.

For us it was even easier to say no, because my parents smoked like chimneys in my youth, so all of my old toys were covered in tar and nicotine film.

Just take them stow away what you don't want/need for a while then donate. No fight necessary.

Wait a few years after your kids have outgrown some of your favorite toys and nostalgically you put them away for your grandchildren. Just graciously accept the toys and get rid of what you don't want. Making this a safety issue is like a slap in the face - you didn't care as much as I do. Just let her have her memories.

Yup. MIL hauls suitcases of old crap along everytime she visits. We say thanks and chuck it once she leaves.

Pushing old toys? Let it go. You are too controlling. My kids loved playing with "old toys" when they visited grandma.

Anyone else have parents or inlaws trying to push old toys and things on you?

Started with the crib and highchair, which I vetoed for safety reasons

Now it is "I will dig all of (son's) toys out of the basement for (grandson)". To which I replied I would have to look them over bc while I am sure some are fine some likely won't. Which ticked her off saying I worry to much etc. to which I replied yes, likely, but that's the rule and its non negotiable.

We do have a good relationship and she does understand it ultimately is our (mine and husbands) decision. But it ends up being mine bc DH defers to me on this kind of thing (which can be good or bad, I admit).

I get comments on other stuff too (like using rash guards and hats in the toddler pool), using a hats and sunscreen when playing outside (we are very fairskinned, while she actively and deeply tans year round). We agree she has to (and usually does) follow the rules, but.

I just get so tired of the back and forth. I gently remind her she had her chance to parent her two and I want my chance to parent mine. Just last night she commented that I need to take him to play groups and things (we are rural, I am new to the area and just figuring it out), but I work (nanny here). I asked her what she did with her kids, who h turned out to be "nothing, they stayed here with me". (Really? But somehow I am bad for that? Lol. I at least have a nanny who occasionally brings other kids for him to play with!).

Ok, so mostly this is just a vent. I love her dearly and wouldn't want to hurt her fir the world. But sometimes even I get tired of hearing my choices criticized or questioned).