Anonymous wrote:
Some people just want to be alone in their own house with the new baby. Even "family" as houseguests is work. She just wants to be able to relax and adjust in private.

My MIL just kind of showed up and literally sat on the couch and stared at me while I nursed. And then would say "what should we take out of the freezer for dinner" (I had cooked meals for weeks before to have a stash of frozen meals on hand).

If you want to be a helpful MIL/grandma:
* Help with the toddler. Take him/her on walks, outings, playgrounds. Keep him/her entertained and tired out. Feed him/her. Give him/her baths and put him/her in pajamas ready for bed.
* Offer to cook. Keep the kitchen clean and organized.
* Offer to hold/rock baby while mom showers, naps, eats, talks on the phone, goes for a walk alone, plays with toddler, has a minute to herself.
* Offer to do laundry (some people don't like other people doing their laundry). At least fold it.
* Offer to run to CVS, grocery store, etc.
* Do this all quietly and disappear when you get the sense that you should.

I did this for my SIL/brother back when I was the 20 something single aunt and those weeks really deepened my relationship with my SIL, niece and nephew.

+ 1,000

Some people just want to be alone in their own house with the new baby. Even "family" as houseguests is work. She just wants to be able to relax and adjust in private.

My MIL just kind of showed up and literally sat on the couch and stared at me while I nursed. And then would say "what should we take out of the freezer for dinner" (I had cooked meals for weeks before to have a stash of frozen meals on hand).

If you want to be a helpful MIL/grandma:
* Help with the toddler. Take him/her on walks, outings, playgrounds. Keep him/her entertained and tired out. Feed him/her. Give him/her baths and put him/her in pajamas ready for bed.
* Offer to cook. Keep the kitchen clean and organized.
* Offer to hold/rock baby while mom showers, naps, eats, talks on the phone, goes for a walk alone, plays with toddler, has a minute to herself.
* Offer to do laundry (some people don't like other people doing their laundry). At least fold it.
* Offer to run to CVS, grocery store, etc.
* Do this all quietly and disappear when you get the sense that you should.

I did this for my SIL/brother back when I was the 20 something single aunt and those weeks really deepened my relationship with my SIL, niece and nephew.

Another vote for "PLEASE don't try to make it about you, like my selfish, bitter MIL".

Trust me - when it is someone else's day, it is their day, and no one else's. If you try to make it about you, even if you pretend you are not, *everyone* will remember that you were the selfish and bitter one.

They will think that your child birth experiences (in this case - but also applies to wedding, first house, et al) were awful and you are so bitter about them you don't know how to cope, let go, be selfless, NOT act out, keep things in perspective and be appropriate. And they will wonder how you ever got anything done yourself. And how you tie your own shoes every day.

Show them you are a loving, understanding, kind, selfless and decent human being and grandmother. They will want you around much more!

If you truly mean to "help", you will respect the new mom and the new family's wishes.

My MIL was not a very good mom (according to her kids) and not a very good grandmother. She really just wants bragging rights amongst her bridge friends. But she is very mean, snarky and critical. I have never heard her say anything nice about anyone I actually know. It says far more about her than anyone else!

I can't say this enough: It is definitely NOT about you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP -
I guess I just don't understand why they wouldn't want my help taking care of the children and keeping them company.

I think with two kids they'll have enough company!

Perhaps they don't find you as helpful as you think you are. Stay in the hotel, and offer to run errands and take the first child for easy outings (like the playground).

OP, if you want to make your daughter in law adore and worship you, ask her when a visit would be convenient for her (in labor, at birth, 2 weeks later?) Pre-empt the where-to-stay conversation by telling her upfront that you will stay in a hotel, and ask what duties you could best help with (taking care of older child, running errands, cooking, laundry, rocking crying baby, etc). Let her know that you are there to help her, not to be a guest. Then stick to it all. She will love you.

And please remember: they are not having your grandchild; they are having their child.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP -
I guess I just don't understand why they wouldn't want my help taking care of the children and keeping them company.

Having houseguests is a lot of work and an invasion of privacy. Do you plan to cook all meals for them while you're in town? I felt physically awful in the first several weeks after giving birth. The LAST thing I wanted was to have to socialize and worry about feeding guests. I wouldn't want my mother OR my mother-in-law here for at least the first month, even if they stayed at a hotel.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP -
I guess I just don't understand why they wouldn't want my help taking care of the children and keeping them company.

Because as well-meaning as you are, the kind of help you provide may not be what they need or desire. Just let it go. As a PP said, it's not about you.

OP- I just went through the same thing with my MIL. There are my reasons why I didn't want anyone staying in my house
1. I was nursing and had a hard time with my first with mastitis, supply etc and pretty much had my shirt off for the first couple weeks to nurse, apply cold packs etc. I didn't want to be stuck in my bedroom or have my girls on display
2. I cried. A lot. Difficult C section recovery with lots of pain, in addition to horrendous back labor which did some damage to my back that I was still in pain from. I didn't want to have to keep it together in front of anyone.
3. My DH had to help me in the bathroom, shower, including wiping me, cleaning blood from the shower, toilet, etc. I needed his full attention.
4. We have a system down with the toddler, my husband knows exactly what to do, much faster than having to explain to my MIL about how to cut his banana, what toys are bath toys, etc etc x 1 million little things.
Please note this had nothing at all to do with MIL as a person, just things we needed/wanted to do to make it as easy on us as possible.

Yes, you are being very unreasonable. If you want to see your grandchild right away, stay in the hotel.

Think back, grandma. Do you remember the first days and nights with your infant son?

Now, do you remember thinking "Gee, I really wish my MIL was here 24/7"?

Yeah. That.

I'm the OP -
I guess I just don't understand why they wouldn't want my help taking care of the children and keeping them company.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Stay home for now. As PP said wait a while and show up when they invite you.

I agree, it isn't what grandparents might prefer, but it's the parents' family and their call. Acting pissed off and hurt will make your situation worse.

--A grandmother

You're kidding, right?

Wait a couple weeks and go when you can be helpful. And stay in a motel.

For now, look in the mirror and say three times, "This is not about me."

yes, you are being unreasonable.

My son and daughter in law are about to have my second grandbaby. When they had the first they lived nearby, but have since moved 5 hours away.

I have asked them how logistics will work when she goes into labor since she is not planning on being scheduled, and they gave me the names of several motels nearby. They told me we could drive there when they go to the hospital, but that we would be staying in a hotel rather than their home. Is this what passes for family these days? I can't fathom the idea of coming to visit my grandchildren and not being allowed to wake up in the morning with them! Am I being unreasonable? How can I convince them it's better if I stay with them?