Part of being a man is working hard and providing well for his family.

It seems sadly that your husband is failing miserably at this.

So sorry OP.

Anonymous wrote:We've gone through 5 years of the worse financial pullback since the Great Depression. Husbands and wives annoyed at unemployed spouses need to educate themselves and show some sympathy and respect.

Oh, please. If you haven't lived it, you just have no idea. OP, I feel for you. My husband has also been unemployed mostly for the last 5 years. He's a disbarred attorney. He works sporadically at low level jobs but has not pulled in more than $20K for 5+ years now. Our lives have changed dramatically. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, no college for the kids (oldest is 21 years old), medical bills (no health insurance), IRS problems, you name it. Life has been extremely stressful for such a long time. My advice for you is to try to get your husband to get some kind of computer certification. In hindsight that would have helped us so much. Too late for us but hopefully not for you.

We've gone through 5 years of the worse financial pullback since the Great Depression. Husbands and wives annoyed at unemployed spouses need to educate themselves and show some sympathy and respect.

I watched my mom go through this when I was in middle school. My dad cycled through so many jobs and possible careers. She held it all together working, commuting and cooking all meals. My dad did his best, and eventually ended up working a low level admin job at a state hospital (state retirements and benefits though), 2 nights a week teaching adults to read, and national guard service. He worked three jobs...for years and years, until he retired.

Now they are peacefully retired, living on 2 state pensions and military health care and pension. Doing okay. Too bad there will be no pensions for our generation.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, he can get a job. Look at the NBA player who is a crossing guard now in Silver Spring for the benefits and just the fun. If he can do thst so can your hubby. No job is beneath anybody.

Not OP but I think those crossing guard jobs are pretty difficult to get basically because of the benefits and hourly pay are quite good.

If he took a low paying job just to make you happy likely most of this salary would go to childcare. you would be no further ahead financially, you would have the stress of getting everything done he now does + resentment from him that he is serving fries or answering phones or whatever - getting even further form what he wants to do and his sense of self-worth taking a huge blow spiralling him deeper into depression. Low paying jobs have almost no flexibility so now you have to take days off for every doctor appointment, sick day and field trip. You are still mad at him that you have to do extra, that you still shoulder the bulk of the income and that now on top of it you come home to a dirty house, take-out food, an overstimulated and tired kid and a depressed, resentful husband.

Ok, he can get a job. Look at the NBA player who is a crossing guard now in Silver Spring for the benefits and just the fun. If he can do thst so can your hubby. No job is beneath anybody.

Maybe he likes staying at home. Does he want to me a SAHD?

Op again - yes I try very hard to always say thank you for all he does - because frankly I know a lot of dads who don't do anything remotely close to what he does. I have some days where I can deal with it and try to be positive .. But other days I can hardly stand it. What makes things even worse is I've always got my parents asking what he's doing and why he doesn't have a job by now. I'm tired of trying to Tell them what he's doing or working on . It's hard enough dealing with it on my own let alone trying to avoid talking about it when friends and family ask what's going on.

This op-of course he's depressed and feels worthless.. Who wouldn't be? I've said we should go to counseling or he should but he wants nothing to do with it. To the pp who said it sounds like he would work if a good opportunity. Yes I think he would- but that's just it- I don't believe the kind of work he is looking for exists anymore. I don't think he will find what he's looking for. It's been 3 years.. If you haven't found anything by then I think it's time to move on . I've been more than supportive - I mean hell it's 3 years- can anyone tell me they wouldn't be upset if their husband was in this scenario? I have tried really hard to not be upset and to be supportive but I am running out of energy. I feel like I just don't have any more emotions to give. I guess all I can do is maybe go to therapy myself and try to work through it.

Anonymous wrote:Well, he is a good husband and a good father (like you said), thats hard enough to find as it is. As a man, I am sure he is not happy with the situation either, as most men feel worthless when they are not contributing financially.

Are you sure he isnt going through some form of depression? have you asked how HE feels about this circumstance?

I think the PP makes a lot of sense. It took my brother nearly 5 years after being laid off to find a job in a similar field. It took quite a toll on his self-esteem and his marriage. Talk to him about how he feels and what his expectations are.

This is definitely a stressful situation for the both of you. I would sit down with him and work out the numbers--mortgage/rent, home repairs, groceries. Find where you can cut back and figure out what he'd need to make as a minimum to keep things afloat. If he needs to update his skills, that's going to cost money, so you need to budget for that too.

Please verbally express how appreciative you are of what he does with no strings attached, e.g., honey, thanks for making dinner, but did you look for a job today? Also, give him a block of time kid-free in the evening/weekend where he can apply for jobs online, update his resume, etc. but also time to re-charge and relax.

Hang in there, OP.

You sound a little self-centered. It seems he'd work if a good opportunity came along.

I saw a Dr. Phil show about a husband who had been out of work for awhile. He had been making good money as some sort of executive but lost his job. He couldn't face reality and kept saying he wanted to get on the fast track to the type of job he had had. Meanwhile, he and his wife lost their mansion and luxury cars and moved into a motel. She took a job as a waitress and he would stay at the motel and apply for jobs online. His wife would try to help him get jobs, like at Target? and he would maybe show up for one day and then not go back. He felt those jobs were beneath him. They were on the show because his wife was fed up and was ready to walk. But he had no idea. Don't know if the following article is about them but it might be.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/622

Well, he is a good husband and a good father (like you said), thats hard enough to find as it is. As a man, I am sure he is not happy with the situation either, as most men feel worthless when they are not contributing financially.

Are you sure he isnt going through some form of depression? have you asked how HE feels about this circumstance?

My husband is a good father and takes care of a ton of things at home but he's been out if work for almost 3 years. He has been trying to get a job in a field that has cut a ton if jobs . In addition he doesn't have some credentials that others do-MBA etc. I have told him that he needs to put his pride aside and just get any job bc we cannot survive on my income alone. I don't believe that he will find a job in that field ever again. He is delusional and thinks something will magically appear. I am so at my wits end with this. I have huge resentment and feel like all feelings I had for him are withering away. We have a small child which complicates things. He takes care of the house and cooks and does laundry so it's not like he's not helpful. He also watches our child during most of the week which saves on child care. He has been looking for work networking and trying to get some consultant work- and trying to do this all while taking care of a kid- which is nearly impossible. But I am pissed that he pretty much refuses to get a job 'beneath' him. How can I possibly do anything here? If I kick him out it will only make things worse- I will pay more for child care, have no help with my child and my child will not see him enough. I have no idea where my husband would go.. But I'm getting so fed up. He is a good person but just seems like he won't face reality. I am so bitter because I feel like our life has gone to shit and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm stressed beyond belief and don't know what to do anymore. I can't live with a husband who never works or is always out of work- which is where I see my life going. I don't want tk break up our marriage but as time goes on I have less and less emotions and I can tell he feels the same . I've even thought to myself that if he cheated I really wouldn't care- how screwed up is that??