Anonymous
05/31/2013 10:36
Subject: Re:DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
they chose someone else, generally younger, cheaper, no doubt
From what it sounds like, you might add "less threatening" to your list. That may be part of what is going on here.
Anonymous
05/31/2013 08:36
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
The 3 A's - Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
Is DH aware that he is depressed? If he can become aware and accept it, then he can be ready to take action and see a therapist. Because he sounds very depressed and should never give up hope.
My DH searched for a job for over 2 years (with NO income and had unemployment and food stamps) - then took a job that was entry level for a measley $12/hour. And we just had a baby. But in no time, his income will surpass mine ($100K), so I am optimistic whereas many would be pessimistic. He works 14 hour days too (no overtime) and lots of weekends. And believe it or not, he gets amped every day to go to work and he is the best performer in the whole region. So, the point is, I think it's a matter of attitude and mood. Not just the situation.
Is DH aware that he is depressed? If he can become aware and accept it, then he can be ready to take action and see a therapist. Because he sounds very depressed and should never give up hope.
My DH searched for a job for over 2 years (with NO income and had unemployment and food stamps) - then took a job that was entry level for a measley $12/hour. And we just had a baby. But in no time, his income will surpass mine ($100K), so I am optimistic whereas many would be pessimistic. He works 14 hour days too (no overtime) and lots of weekends. And believe it or not, he gets amped every day to go to work and he is the best performer in the whole region. So, the point is, I think it's a matter of attitude and mood. Not just the situation.
Anonymous
05/31/2013 08:21
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
Headhunters are really helpful. Most of my DH's jobs have come through that route.
Anonymous
05/31/2013 07:38
Subject: Re:DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
How does DH hair look dyed? That can make him look older, not younger. My DH is in a job scare right now, with his white hair. But if he dyed it it would be a disaster. He has called everyone from his past and attends a lot of conferences. That really helps. People think, oh I did not know that you were looking/availible. Friends are the best way to find something at this age. I am also SAHM, and it is very scary, as I am 60.
Anonymous
05/31/2013 07:36
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
Forgive all my typos please! On the iPhone!
Anonymous
05/31/2013 07:35
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
Is there something else in the same company he could do? Like a lateral transfer?
I don't know what industry he's in or whether it would hurt more than help, but I might contact one if the previous interviewers who gave the job to someone else, and reach out for lunch maybe, or just a phone call, and say he really appreciated the opportunity to interview with them, and wondered if they could provide some insight into his skill set. Is there something he should tweak? Get further training on? Does he lack managerial experience? Anything offputting about his work style? there are four very different generations wirking in the workforce right now and they have very different work styles. if hes coming acriss all BabyBoomer when most places have a Gen X culture, that could be a problem. Normally its not a bug problem, but in tight job markets it could make the subtle difference.
Or reach out to a work colleague he trusts to try and get similar feedback.
I don't know what industry he's in or whether it would hurt more than help, but I might contact one if the previous interviewers who gave the job to someone else, and reach out for lunch maybe, or just a phone call, and say he really appreciated the opportunity to interview with them, and wondered if they could provide some insight into his skill set. Is there something he should tweak? Get further training on? Does he lack managerial experience? Anything offputting about his work style? there are four very different generations wirking in the workforce right now and they have very different work styles. if hes coming acriss all BabyBoomer when most places have a Gen X culture, that could be a problem. Normally its not a bug problem, but in tight job markets it could make the subtle difference.
Or reach out to a work colleague he trusts to try and get similar feedback.
Anonymous
05/31/2013 07:30
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
Has your DH worked with a career coach or recruiter? THat could help depending on his field.
Anonymous
05/31/2013 07:21
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My husband in very low paying go nowhere job...networking fruitless...I too feel hopeless, and when I make suggestions he just storms off...this has been going on for 10 years...
I often push it to the back of my mind...denial.
what do you do to earn money for the family?
Really, PP, just really...
Anonymous
05/31/2013 07:10
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
Anyone else? DH is feeling particularly low this morning. TIA
Anonymous
05/30/2013 23:00
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
Anonymous wrote:My husband in very low paying go nowhere job...networking fruitless...I too feel hopeless, and when I make suggestions he just storms off...this has been going on for 10 years...
I often push it to the back of my mind...denial.
what do you do to earn money for the family?
Anonymous
05/30/2013 22:48
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
Anonymous wrote:Of course there is hope!
My DH is 51 and just found a job with difficulty after nearly two years.
He had applied to dozens of positions, most of which did not contact him: probably in part because he has an unusual background and is overqualified, probably also due to hiring freezes/reticence. He made the shortlist for those who did, but was never chosen until a few month ago. He also could not use his network, which is mainly in Europe.
I may add that he looks quite ten years younger than his age, and that I do not think appearance is the direct issue here. Rather, in these difficult economic times where jobs are scarce, an experienced person is perhaps not as desirable as before. People glance at the resume and think: "Yikes! Too expensive. Let's get the job done a little more shoddily by a junior".
It was a painful time, financially, psychologically, on all fronts. Our lives where put on hold for 18 months and I became quite paranoid about weekly expenses, let alone making any kind of long-range plans. I cannot work in this country, so we just conserved money as much as we could, and felt very lucky that we had a bit put by. Uncertainty plays with your mind to an unholy degree!
I completely sympathize with the strain it puts on your family and your marriage. Even though I had input on DH's cover letters and all professional correspondance, I had to walk on eggshells sometimes because the pressure on him was just too great. This is a person who used to work in the ICU! Nerves of steel. But a year and a half sans job will tell on anyone...
Your DH is well-regarded. He has a network that can scout for posts and recommend him. Above all, the more interviews he has, the more confident and in control he will appear. My DH made use of a very practical book called Landing the Job You Want: How to Have the Best Job Interview of Your Life
http://www.amazon.com/Landing-Job-You-Want-Interview/dp/0609804081
He told me it was extremely useful and changed the way he described his past experience during interviews. Borrow it from the library.
You DH does not need to network like crazy if he feels it is not helpful right now. On the other hand keeping up contacts and seeing old business associates will help him stay alert to changes in his field and make him feel he's still part of his industry.
Cut out all unnecessary expense. Are you sure the therapist is working out for him? On the other hand, regular exercise like a morning jog is a great mood booster. Sex is great too, even though you might not be in the mood if he's grumpy
Big hug to both of you! Keep at it.
I'm sure it will work out.
OP. Thank you so much for posting this! It does give me hope! And thanks for the book suggestion. I will run out and get it (from the library!) and make sure DH reads it. If he won't read it I will!
I've tried to get him to exercise, but he won't do it. I've started exercising regularly with my kids just to help maintain my sanity. I'd hoped DH would follow suit, but not so far. His therapist seems OK, but he just started a few weeks ago. I think it's good for him to have another person to talk to outside of the family. He's really embarrassed by his inability to find a better job. Humiliated is more like it.
Curious: Does your DH know why he was finally chosen? My DH can't understand why he wasn't offered all four positions he interviewed for. He felt completely confident about each, thought all interviews went well, and in the end, they chose someone else, generally younger, cheaper, no doubt. But he has nothing on the horizon, and nothing left to do but go back to his contacts for the third or fourth time. Many of the people he's been speaking with have told him they don't have any jobs, but he's not sure if that's true or they are putting him off. This most recent job he lost out on he was recruited for the interview process (through a connection), and he was told repeatedly that his background was very impressive, etc. They didn't choose him, though, and DH is just baffled by this. As am I.
What was the difference that made the employers hire your DH finally?
Anonymous
05/30/2013 22:21
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
Of course there is hope!
My DH is 51 and just found a job with difficulty after nearly two years.
He had applied to dozens of positions, most of which did not contact him: probably in part because he has an unusual background and is overqualified, probably also due to hiring freezes/reticence. He made the shortlist for those who did, but was never chosen until a few month ago. He also could not use his network, which is mainly in Europe.
I may add that he looks quite ten years younger than his age, and that I do not think appearance is the direct issue here. Rather, in these difficult economic times where jobs are scarce, an experienced person is perhaps not as desirable as before. People glance at the resume and think: "Yikes! Too expensive. Let's get the job done a little more shoddily by a junior".
It was a painful time, financially, psychologically, on all fronts. Our lives where put on hold for 18 months and I became quite paranoid about weekly expenses, let alone making any kind of long-range plans. I cannot work in this country, so we just conserved money as much as we could, and felt very lucky that we had a bit put by. Uncertainty plays with your mind to an unholy degree!
I completely sympathize with the strain it puts on your family and your marriage. Even though I had input on DH's cover letters and all professional correspondance, I had to walk on eggshells sometimes because the pressure on him was just too great. This is a person who used to work in the ICU! Nerves of steel. But a year and a half sans job will tell on anyone...
Your DH is well-regarded. He has a network that can scout for posts and recommend him. Above all, the more interviews he has, the more confident and in control he will appear. My DH made use of a very practical book called Landing the Job You Want: How to Have the Best Job Interview of Your Life
http://www.amazon.com/Landing-Job-You-Want-Interview/dp/0609804081
He told me it was extremely useful and changed the way he described his past experience during interviews. Borrow it from the library.
You DH does not need to network like crazy if he feels it is not helpful right now. On the other hand keeping up contacts and seeing old business associates will help him stay alert to changes in his field and make him feel he's still part of his industry.
Cut out all unnecessary expense. Are you sure the therapist is working out for him? On the other hand, regular exercise like a morning jog is a great mood booster. Sex is great too, even though you might not be in the mood if he's grumpy
Big hug to both of you! Keep at it.
I'm sure it will work out.
My DH is 51 and just found a job with difficulty after nearly two years.
He had applied to dozens of positions, most of which did not contact him: probably in part because he has an unusual background and is overqualified, probably also due to hiring freezes/reticence. He made the shortlist for those who did, but was never chosen until a few month ago. He also could not use his network, which is mainly in Europe.
I may add that he looks quite ten years younger than his age, and that I do not think appearance is the direct issue here. Rather, in these difficult economic times where jobs are scarce, an experienced person is perhaps not as desirable as before. People glance at the resume and think: "Yikes! Too expensive. Let's get the job done a little more shoddily by a junior".
It was a painful time, financially, psychologically, on all fronts. Our lives where put on hold for 18 months and I became quite paranoid about weekly expenses, let alone making any kind of long-range plans. I cannot work in this country, so we just conserved money as much as we could, and felt very lucky that we had a bit put by. Uncertainty plays with your mind to an unholy degree!
I completely sympathize with the strain it puts on your family and your marriage. Even though I had input on DH's cover letters and all professional correspondance, I had to walk on eggshells sometimes because the pressure on him was just too great. This is a person who used to work in the ICU! Nerves of steel. But a year and a half sans job will tell on anyone...
Your DH is well-regarded. He has a network that can scout for posts and recommend him. Above all, the more interviews he has, the more confident and in control he will appear. My DH made use of a very practical book called Landing the Job You Want: How to Have the Best Job Interview of Your Life
http://www.amazon.com/Landing-Job-You-Want-Interview/dp/0609804081
He told me it was extremely useful and changed the way he described his past experience during interviews. Borrow it from the library.
You DH does not need to network like crazy if he feels it is not helpful right now. On the other hand keeping up contacts and seeing old business associates will help him stay alert to changes in his field and make him feel he's still part of his industry.
Cut out all unnecessary expense. Are you sure the therapist is working out for him? On the other hand, regular exercise like a morning jog is a great mood booster. Sex is great too, even though you might not be in the mood if he's grumpy
Big hug to both of you! Keep at it.
I'm sure it will work out.
Anonymous
05/30/2013 22:02
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
My husband in very low paying go nowhere job...networking fruitless...I too feel hopeless, and when I make suggestions he just storms off...this has been going on for 10 years...
I often push it to the back of my mind...denial.
I often push it to the back of my mind...denial.
Anonymous
05/30/2013 21:40
Subject: Re:DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry that I do not have any words of wisdom. But I wish the best for you and your family and hope you preserve and remember that your greatest asset is each other.
Anonymous
05/30/2013 21:28
Subject: DH, 50, lost out on another job, feeling depressed and hopeless
DH used to be a star, but now that he's in his 50s, he seems to be a loser. He hates his job, and his bosses seem to want him to quit. He's networked like crazy for the past year, but has landed interviews for only four jobs. He just found out that he lost out on another job he really wanted after going through four rounds of interviews! He's normally a happy person, but he's become depressed and does not know what to do now. He feels he's out of options. He's joined some professional and neighborhood groups, but has basically stopped networking. He's always well-regarded, and people seem to like him, he makes it into the final rounds, but so far, no one will hire him.
Is it his age? He dyes his hair now to make him look younger, but looking at his resume, it's easy to figure out his age. He's seeing a therapist, but it's not helping. He's cranky and yells at me and the kids. We all avoid him, so wretched is he. I feel badly, but all he does is yell at me when I try to make helpful suggestions, like maybe thinking of setting up his own business. He says he has no clients, and doesn't know where to find them. I'm a 50+ SAHM, so my job prospects are much worse than his.
Is there no hope for him? We just downsized to a smaller home to save money in case he gets laid off. Our family life is turning into living hell because of the precariousness of DH's job and his misery which affects all of us.
Please share your stories if you have similar ones. I'd love to hear some 50+ job successes. Advice? Empathy?
Is it his age? He dyes his hair now to make him look younger, but looking at his resume, it's easy to figure out his age. He's seeing a therapist, but it's not helping. He's cranky and yells at me and the kids. We all avoid him, so wretched is he. I feel badly, but all he does is yell at me when I try to make helpful suggestions, like maybe thinking of setting up his own business. He says he has no clients, and doesn't know where to find them. I'm a 50+ SAHM, so my job prospects are much worse than his.
Is there no hope for him? We just downsized to a smaller home to save money in case he gets laid off. Our family life is turning into living hell because of the precariousness of DH's job and his misery which affects all of us.
Please share your stories if you have similar ones. I'd love to hear some 50+ job successes. Advice? Empathy?