I'm an adoptive parent and we have a very open adoption. I feel that we -- all four of my daughter's parents -- are all "real" and we all love our daughter immensely. We have different roles in her life, but one is not more real than the other. Over the years, we've evolved into one extended family.

I don't know how my daughter will process her adoption and her relationships as she gets older, but I have no regrets about facilitating her relationship with her biological family who clearly love her and want what's best for her. While my love for and feelings about my daughter are no different than my love for and feelings about my biological son, I also recognize that my daughter has another "real" mother (and another father) who love her very much and want to have a meaningful role in her life even though they were not able to raise her. I don't think it has to be an either/or situation. If a parent can equally love multiple children, why can't a child equally love multiple parents? And there is absolutely no confusion about what role we each play in my daughter's life. DH and I are "mommy and daddy."

I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with adoptees who grew up in closed adoption, and at the same time I don't think there's something wrong with adoptees who grow up knowing all of their parents.

I'm an adoptive parent with contact with my child's birth mother and a sibling of an adoptee who is in the middle of a birth parent search. In my experience, the issue of birth family contact is more akin to "adding to" vs. "replacing" the adoptive parents. I think the media does a terrible job with reunion stories because they always focus just on the birth family - child link and gloss over the rest. The script always seems to be that bio = destiny and the stories are always rosy. You don't see the stories of the prior PP with the dad who sexually abused his nieces, for example. The adoptive parents always wind up in the background, if mentioned at all, and there's little follow up three years later to see how it's all played out. I'm not sure it's intentional, it's just the story arc they use because it fits their preconceived notions and those of their viewers.

IMO, the media to a large extent is very ignorant on the entire topic...I already fired off a letter in my head this morning to various news outlets that are reporting on Barbara Walter's daughter's DUI by repeatedly calling her "Barbara Walters' adopted daughter" as if the way she became Barbara's daughter is germane to the story. I'm still waiting to see a news story that identifies people by their method of conception. "Mickey Mouse's conceived-by-IVF-son was arrested for speeding yesterday" or "Minnie Mouse's condom-broke daughter has graduated from college..."

Just a note from another adult adoptee (but from a closed adoption) that it's completely natural and expected that an adopted child will fantasize about life with her/his birth parents. And it will ALWAYS be rosier than life with their family. Fantasies always are, right?
My parents were so open and nurturing and helped me start the process of looking for my birth mother as an adult. But at the end of the day, my mom was the one kissing boo boos and disciplining me when I didn't know I needed it and staying up late to make sure homework was done and crying happy tears when I went away to college... oh, and my dad too I suppose
Kids recognize good parenting, mostly in retrospect, whether that parent become one via conception or adoption.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe op should reconsider adopting. She sounds immature and childish, to even be asking these questions.
Adoption agencies want your money and do what they can to sell you on this wonderful thing called "adoption", but the truth is, not everyone should adopt, adoptees life is not always wonderful, people who parent through adoption have their own issues as well.

I was wondering when our resident anti-adoption poster would show up. Hi there.

Maybe op should reconsider adopting. She sounds immature and childish, to even be asking these questions.
Adoption agencies want your money and do what they can to sell you on this wonderful thing called "adoption", but the truth is, not everyone should adopt, adoptees life is not always wonderful, people who parent through adoption have their own issues as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:adult adoptee back. I should add I'm all good stuff! Educated (doctorate), employed (VP at policy nonprofit) married (happily one child another on the way) and commit no crimes other than speeding.

Hi fellow adoptee! 9:24 here. Despite a closed adoption, which everyone says will lead to a messed-up kid, my sister and I are just fine- healthy family relationships, educated (though only a master's), gainfully employed, married and parent of two lovely children, etc.

It's sort of off-topic, but it annoys/offends me when adoptees are portrayed as emotionally vacant or otherwise messed up.

Other adult adoptee.

Bothers me too! Because I have 2 brothers (not adopted) people do not know I"m adopted. SOmetimes I educate, sometimes I don't. Anyway, FWIW, I "need" my master's degree but not the doctorate for the work I do.

Anonymous wrote:adult adoptee back. I should add I'm all good stuff! Educated (doctorate), employed (VP at policy nonprofit) married (happily one child another on the way) and commit no crimes other than speeding.

Hi fellow adoptee! 9:24 here. Despite a closed adoption, which everyone says will lead to a messed-up kid, my sister and I are just fine- healthy family relationships, educated (though only a master's), gainfully employed, married and parent of two lovely children, etc.

It's sort of off-topic, but it annoys/offends me when adoptees are portrayed as emotionally vacant or otherwise messed up.

adult adoptee back. I should add I'm all good stuff! Educated (doctorate), employed (VP at policy nonprofit) married (happily one child another on the way) and commit no crimes other than speeding.

Adult adoptee here:
My bio father is a registered sex offender for raping his two mentally challenged teen nieces. My bio mom is mentally ill.

Yes, adoptive parents still count.

I agree with 9:50!

I am an adoptee and an adoptive parent. All my life, I grew up thinking that there was no information about my birth parents; my adoptive parents had been told so and they had no reason to otherwise doubt the agency. (Btw, I hate using "adoptive parents"- my adoptive parents ARE my parents, but in this context, it's easier to keep differentiate.) I never had a burning desire to find my birth parents, which was more complicated due to the fact that it was an international adoption, but once I started the adoption process for my own child using the same agency, I realized that I should try to search b/c the agency said they still had my file.

My own search hasn't been successful, so I must admit I don't know what it would be like should I ever find my bparents. I do know that my parents were married and very poor, and they had 3 sons already. I am a twin, and we were adopted by the same family. Our bfather is dead and no one knows where our bmom and 2 brothers are. One brother moved abroad. A lot of questions were answered, though, even if I'll never meet them. I will say that never once did I consider that my aparents were any less than my real parents.

On the other hand, as an adoptive parent myself, I do admit that I wonder how my child will feel should she ever meet her bparents. I hope she would want to search and I will be there for her every step as she uncovers difficult details about why she was placed for adoption. I will say that in the culture we were adopted from, it is very unlikely that her bparents would want a close relationship with her, so there's also that to contend with.

Good luck, OP!

I am neither an adoptee nor an adoptive parent, but I do know several adoptees and adoptive parents and birth parents who found each other after the child reaches adult-hood. In all cases, the children still consider their adoptive parents their real parents. They are delighted to have found their birth parents for a sense of completion, to be able to finally voice (and get answers) to tough questions such as why they were put up for adoption and what happened to the family, but it hasn't changed any of these children's relationships. They value knowing their birth parents, meeting any siblings/half-siblings they may have and especially to have medical history, but except in one case where the child was already estranged from the adoptive parents, they have all continued to consider their adoptive family their family for holidays, relationships etc.

If you are an adoptive parent, you will be able to set the tone of how important family is and teach your child what it means to be a family. Also, if you are supportive of your child's desires for contact with the birth family and don't act threatened or try to inhibit the search, you will set a healthier feel for the relationships afterwards. In all the cases that I know, the adoptive parents were very supportive and helped the child contact the birth parents. And they got what they wanted, a more satisfied child and one who realized how lucky they were to have parents and birth parents who all loved them and wanted the best for them.

I know what you mean, OP. I am an adoptive parent too and things like that can really hit where it hurts. But you have to acknowledge that hurt (the adoption counselors always tell us, "Put on your oxygen mask first, and then put on your child's") and then move on to what is best for your child, and it really is best (in most cases) for the child to be able to find and learn as much as they can about their origins. Thing of it: any of us can do any sort of searching for our origins (people are all into genealogy searches, etc.) but when an adopted person is, people can squidgy about it. Like the poster above me said, it does not make you NOT the mom or dad. Google "The declassified adoptee" and other adult adoptees to get their points of view on this.

My adoptive parents are my real parents. Simple as that. I've met my birth mother (birth father passed away) and it was interesting to hear about my back story and about other family members i have, but that's about it. We keep in touch,she's met my son,but my son knows her as a family friend. Grandmere is the mom who raised me,not the one who birthed me. I'm also a big supporter of the idea of nuture vs nature. My parents are amazing people who shaped me into the person i am today. I'm thankful that my birthmother chose to give birth to me and chose my family to adopt me,but that's it. I could never imagine "replacing" my parents just because i met my birth mom.

That said,adopting out of foster care presents more issues. Especially if they remember their birth parents. I was adopted at 10 days

Of course they do. We have a very open adoption. Its not a big deal. We are the parents. They are the birthparents and its just twice the love.

We really want to adopt, maybe out of foster care. One thing that hurts are the stories of adopted children who "finally found their mom(or dad)." These stories make it seem as if the child had been living in an orphanage, with no family, no home, and then they are joyfuly reunited with their family in young adulthood. (This was even a storyline in the finale of, 'The Office,' last week. That''s just TV, of course.) Left out of the story are the adoptive parents... So, do the adoptive parents count to the adopted child if and when they meet a birth parent? I'd love to hear from some adopted people on this. We would rather have a completely open adoption, by the way, with ongoing contact with the birth parent, so there are no secrets, no shadows, and no shame. I also understand how finding a genetic link with another person, someone who looks like you, is a big deal. Thank you for any experiences or advice that you care to share.