Anonymous wrote:I will always take care of my parents-period.

If I have the money it is theirs. If they have to live with me-fine. I don't even like my mother but that doesn't erase my obligation to care for her should she need it.

That is what life is about. If you are able to care for the aging then you do it. It shouldn't come as a surprise, you should expect it from the start. If they don't end up needing the help then great.

Are you forgoing retirement planning and savings, because you expect your children to support you?

I will always take care of my parents-period.

If I have the money it is theirs. If they have to live with me-fine. I don't even like my mother but that doesn't erase my obligation to care for her should she need it.

That is what life is about. If you are able to care for the aging then you do it. It shouldn't come as a surprise, you should expect it from the start. If they don't end up needing the help then great.

We agreed to pick up the cost of a longterm care insurance policy, although I am not sure LTCI is such a great product. I find my father is also pretty vague on when I try to pin him down on what he has invested or how much he needs over and above SS.

God bless your mom, PP. Mine is busy spending the reverse mortgage on the house she inherited to try and look as rich as her neighbors.

I dread the day the ATM runs out...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your plan? We are early 30's, DH's parents have an excellent pension and VA health care, but my parents have been hinting that they are not well-prepared for retirement. I haven't come out and asked, but I'm thinking we need to start making plans to help them. They are almost 60, so have some years left to work, but I don't think they are bringing in a whole lot right now. Their house is worth at least twice what they paid for it (18 years ago) but is not in sellable shape right now (and seems to be getting worse since they became empty nesters). What would you advise? TIA!

OP, what did your parents think was going to happen?

I am always surprised by people not having prepared for the future. I just don't get it.

My advice is to talk to them about what you can and cannot do, and when you implement it, make sure that you have control. Do not, e.g. just give them cash each month, because they have demonstrated that they are not capable of planning and budgeting.

We support my parents financially. We give them $4000 per month. We give them money because they are my parents and I love them. Kicking my parents to the curb so that they can learn a lesson would not sit well by me.

PP here. I am not criticizing you. On the contrary, I admire your generosity. I just don't understand the lack of planning on the part of your parents - did they expect that you would support them? Did they know that this was even possible for you to do? Did they assume that you would just take care of this?

If I had to support my parents to the tune of $4K/month, my immediate family and I would be homeless.

My mother, God rest her soul, who had a high school education and a secretarial job, worked her tail off and saved like crazy for her retirement. She spent the last several years of it with severe dementia, living in an assisted living community to the tune of $9K/month. She herself paid every last penny and left some to us to boot. I admire her perseverance and planning.

I would double check the health care. VA is generally for the service member. If dad is a retiree, then both he and mom are covered under tricare. VA and Tricare are very different benefits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your plan? We are early 30's, DH's parents have an excellent pension and VA health care, but my parents have been hinting that they are not well-prepared for retirement. I haven't come out and asked, but I'm thinking we need to start making plans to help them. They are almost 60, so have some years left to work, but I don't think they are bringing in a whole lot right now. Their house is worth at least twice what they paid for it (18 years ago) but is not in sellable shape right now (and seems to be getting worse since they became empty nesters). What would you advise? TIA!

OP, what did your parents think was going to happen?

I am always surprised by people not having prepared for the future. I just don't get it.

My advice is to talk to them about what you can and cannot do, and when you implement it, make sure that you have control. Do not, e.g. just give them cash each month, because they have demonstrated that they are not capable of planning and budgeting.

We support my parents financially. We give them $4000 per month. We give them money because they are my parents and I love them. Kicking my parents to the curb so that they can learn a lesson would not sit well by me.

Anonymous wrote:What is your plan? We are early 30's, DH's parents have an excellent pension and VA health care, but my parents have been hinting that they are not well-prepared for retirement. I haven't come out and asked, but I'm thinking we need to start making plans to help them. They are almost 60, so have some years left to work, but I don't think they are bringing in a whole lot right now. Their house is worth at least twice what they paid for it (18 years ago) but is not in sellable shape right now (and seems to be getting worse since they became empty nesters). What would you advise? TIA!

OP, what did your parents think was going to happen?

I am always surprised by people not having prepared for the future. I just don't get it.

My advice is to talk to them about what you can and cannot do, and when you implement it, make sure that you have control. Do not, e.g. just give them cash each month, because they have demonstrated that they are not capable of planning and budgeting.

Buying them a house in a cheap-as-heck-city.

Well in my experience someone has to be ready to take the help on the terms it is given. My mother wanted me to buy her a condo wanted to control where, how much, how titled etc. You need to tread carefully and fully consider what you mean by "help" and what actions you require them to affirmatively take. In my case saying no has further damaged our relationship but I needed to limits.

10:16 here - These links may help you get started.
http://www.va.gov/opa/newtova.asp
http://www.benefits.va.gov/PENSIONANDFIDUCIARY/pension/aid_attendance_housebound.asp


My father's story is that he was in the Air Force for 5 years during the Vietnam War. No wartime injuries, no interaction with the VA until he was in his late 60s and developed melanoma. He and my mother had middle class income/little debt before retiring a few years earlier (about 90k). Melanoma treatment was crazy expensive and he required more and more medical assistance. The social worker at the cancer hospital told him to apply for VA benefits. My parents went to their local regional VA office and someone there explained what was available and helped him apply. He had to have a copy of his discharge papers and the exact date of his discharge - very important. They said approval was based on need in that state and that it would take 1-2 months to hear back. He found out a month later that he was approved. He had to go to the VA doctor for an physical to get started and annually thereafter (that was tough as he grew sicker). A VA social worker was assigned and interviewed my father about his needs: new glasses (had to go to the VA eye doctor annually from then on), medications (had to pick up at VA pharmacy), weekly supply of diapers, special shoes, a walker, then a wheelchair and ramp on the house, home health aide visits, some physical therapy, finally hospital bed and hospice care. It was tremendously helpful. My father is buried in the Veterans cemetery in his state.

Best wishes to you all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Any chance your father is a Veteran? VA services were excellent for my dad when he was 65+.

Sorry to piggyback, but which services did you find helpful? FIL is a veteran, early 80s but still working as he has zero retirement, but increasingly unable to function. Very secretive about money but clearly has substantial debts. Very proud guy so difficult to discuss with him - and not sure where to start. Things are clearly becoming pretty desperate though.

I'd like to know about this, too. My dad (mid-80s) ended up moving in with us as he had nowhere else to go.

Anonymous wrote:
Any chance your father is a Veteran? VA services were excellent for my dad when he was 65+.

Sorry to piggyback, but which services did you find helpful? FIL is a veteran, early 80s but still working as he has zero retirement, but increasingly unable to function. Very secretive about money but clearly has substantial debts. Very proud guy so difficult to discuss with him - and not sure where to start. Things are clearly becoming pretty desperate though.

I would have a face-to-face conversation with them about it, saying that you care, you are concerned and you want to know their plan or help them make a plan. And push for a meeting with a financial advisor. You may find a good affordable financial advisor through AARP, USAA, or some other group they are members of. Some of things the finacial adviser will help them do:

- make list of all assets and discuss how to leverage (repair & sell the house vs. stay in it)
- decide when to claim social security http://www.aarp.org/work/social-security/social-security-benefits-calculator/
- figure out retirement budget ($ coming in minus debt)
- cut expenses
- try to prepare savings for big events that will surely come (big home repair or health expense)

Any chance your father is a Veteran? VA services were excellent for my dad when he was 65+.

What is your plan? We are early 30's, DH's parents have an excellent pension and VA health care, but my parents have been hinting that they are not well-prepared for retirement. I haven't come out and asked, but I'm thinking we need to start making plans to help them. They are almost 60, so have some years left to work, but I don't think they are bringing in a whole lot right now. Their house is worth at least twice what they paid for it (18 years ago) but is not in sellable shape right now (and seems to be getting worse since they became empty nesters). What would you advise? TIA!