I have not stayed at my parents' house since I graduated from college. I just refuse

My son is four and he has never been at my parents' home. My husband (who I have been with for 11 years) has only been inside the house once, I believe

We stay at a hotel or now that we have a kid, rent a home when we visit (it's on the west coast). That's just the way it is. Open door at my house, but never will I go to theirs

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been in my parents home in over 7 years for this reason. My children have never been to their home.

My son is only 2, but I don't anticipate going anytime soon.
If you go, stay in a hotel. You have to put your child's health and safety first.

Maybe call the local authorities, many have hoarding task forces to help, and in terms of animal hoarding there are usually laws re how many dogs a person may own, not sure re cats. Usually it is 3. Also elder affairs division given their age. Calls usually can be anonymous,

Hoarding is no joke and extremely difficult to treat. I have several family members who suffer. Instead of cleaning her house my mother just keeps buying new houses, now owns 5 in 2 different cities. I never go to my hometown anymore, when I do I don't stay wiith them. They have not cleaned up since I had kids. I feel like they pick trash (mine actually hoard trash, literally) over me and my kids, because they did.

Children of Hoarders may offer you some support.

Anonymous wrote:Look! people make all kinds of sacrifices. It not unheard-of spending the holidays visiting elderly parents in a nursing home. Just sayin'. There will be a lot of circumstances that aren't picture perfect. You deal. Planning the holidays at your house sounds very nice (if they can make the trip)

+1

Things change. My grandmother now lives in a nursing home. Taking her to my parents for a holiday is completely out of the question. its a change and a sh*tty one but thats life. You're changing because you're becoming a mother. Your baby is now #1, not your parent's wishes. Your mom has also changed and it sounds like for the worse. You now need to keep your child's best interest at heart.

OP, your mother is going to have to choose between maintaining her hoarding lifestyle or seeking help so she can host visits from her grandchildren. It doesn't sound like a safe environment at all, and there's just no way to childproof a hoarder's home.

This is the kind of problem, though, in which money can give you some options. You/your DH or your parents can pay for a hotel when you visit and pay for airline tickets (or whatever) to encourage them to visit you more often. That's about all you can do. Hoarding is a mental health problem that is quite hard to treat.

Look! people make all kinds of sacrifices. It not unheard-of spending the holidays visiting elderly parents in a nursing home. Just sayin'. There will be a lot of circumstances that aren't picture perfect. You deal. Planning the holidays at your house sounds very nice (if they can make the trip)

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I have thought about a hotel, of course, but for the holidays? I'm planning at this point just to have the holidays at my house and if they want to come, great. We've always gone to their place for the holidays before (when we're not at DH's parents who live in another state). I know this is going to be a source of tension and that they will likely refuse to come spend the holidays with us, but I refuse to spend the holidays in a hotel!

At least a hotel would be a lot cleaner and safer. It's not even a matter of just cleanliness- consider that you cannot trust all these animals around an infant. Seriously, DO NOT stay there. Who cares if its Christmas morning. Not worth the risk.

OP again. I have thought about a hotel, of course, but for the holidays? I'm planning at this point just to have the holidays at my house and if they want to come, great. We've always gone to their place for the holidays before (when we're not at DH's parents who live in another state). I know this is going to be a source of tension and that they will likely refuse to come spend the holidays with us, but I refuse to spend the holidays in a hotel!

Anonymous wrote:Stay in a hotel when you go visit.

+1

pp here. You can also say you and dh are allergic to the animal hair and last time you visited your eyes itched. I developed a cat allergy in my 20s.

Your mother needs therapy and my guess is she will never consent to it. And your father is enabling it and may only do something when house becomes uninhabitable. You may go back there next year and things get worse. She gets some kind of emotional payoff from this.

I haven't been in my parents home in over 7 years for this reason. My children have never been to their home.

It's called a hotel. There are plenty of reasons people stay in hotels when they visit relatives. You don't owe them an explanation. You are entitled to a preference. But you have to suck-it-up and pay for it with no discussion. When you visit, invite them to your hotel, and there will probably be afternoons at the park for a picnic, a meal at a restaurant, other outings.

Stay in a hotel when you go visit.

OP here. My dad is kind of in denial too but I think she responds to him the way she responded to me when he does try to talk to her: shuts down, silent treatment, nothing accomplished. She is the one that began bringing all of the animals home, so technically they are hers but he is super attached to them now too. It's so hard because I love them and want them to be a part of my child's life, but I cannot put the baby at risk. I can't imagine fixing a bottle on the counter near old, dried up cat food! Or letting my child crawl on the unclean carpets or even the furniture. And of course I am the one who feels guilty.

Sounds like they've lost control over their home and are in denial. Could your father help the situation? Are they his animals or hers? I'm wondering if he's just trying to keep the peace by saying nothing. Maybe your mom blows up at him if he dares to suggest bringing some of the animals to a shelter.

Honestly I wouldn't want up bring a baby there. Baby's health comes before moms feelings, sorry.

I'm in a bit of a tough situation. My parents, particularly my mother, have become hoarders. The clutter is not the issue - it's the 5 dogs that routinely go in and out of the house (and take a dip in the pond only to be towelled off before being allowed inside and on the furniture) and the 5 cats that live inside as well. My parents do not clean. When we visit (DC is about 6 hours away), we have to stay with them and everything is covered in dog/cat hair, cats on the kitchen countertops, dried cat food on the counters, filthy couch, etc. etc. Normally DH and I suck it up and bear it, but I am now 8 months pregnant and over Christmas had a convo with my mom about the house and how I did not feel comfortable bringing a baby into those conditions. I told her I was not trying to fight with her, that I was genuinely concerned and that I wanted to be able to visit them with the baby. She completely shut down, gave me the silent treatment for the duration of our visit and then did not call me for 4 months! I let it lie, as I figured she was angry with me for bringing it up. Finally, my dad reached out and they came to visit us in DC. Not one word of our discussion or of the issues I tried to address. They literally acted like nothing had happened. Now, I'm 5 weeks away from giving birth and nothing has been resolved. I want them to be involved in my child's life, but I don't know how we can visit them? They are pushing 70 and I feel bad expecting them to come here all the time to visit, but I'm not sure what to do? Anybody else ever had to deal with anything like this? I wish we could talk it out like normal people, but they are completely unreceptive. So frustrating!