Wow on the pregnancy / C-section details12:50!

OP,

Oh gosh on your brother! She probably sees herself as a stepgrandmother. BECAUSE SHE IS. Not sending a card now would be hurtful. I'd keep up the tradition for the children. She's not overstepping bounds and asking for flowers and brunch, is she? She knows she's not your mother. Have a little heart!

I'm in the same boat. Step-mother. Every Mother's Day we shower her with gifts and celebrate mother's day even though she has never been pregnant in her life. Has she ever once given me - the only offspring to have grandchildren via c-section - even a card? I'm the only "mother" in the entire family. But we will continue the charade.

Agree with the above PPs. Send a card from the kids and be kind. Maybe it's one of her life's regrets that she did not have children of her own. Maybe the nod on Mother's Day really means something special to her. It doesn't really take anything away from you to do it.

I think you're over-thinking this OP. She is a grandma in every non-biological sense of the word. Does she fill any sort of mom-role to you? If so, she should get a mother's day card. It's almost no skin off your back and will probably mean a lot to her.

Always err on the side of kindness.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so grateful for the people in my life who acted as surrogate mothers or grandmothers despite no biological connection, and would take any opportunity to thank them for being in my life.

+1. I see it more as, "a special day to celebrate motherly things and people." I mean, your grandmother isn't your mother, but there are plenty of grandmother cards on Mothers Day.

My closest relatives aren't blood relatives. My closest aunt and cousins are actually my mom's BFF from HIGH SCHOOL and her kids. Blood isn't everything.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life who acted as surrogate mothers or grandmothers despite no biological connection, and would take any opportunity to thank them for being in my life.

I know a woman whose daughter married late in life and acquired a stepdaughter. The stepdaughter, despite having a paternal and maternal grandmother of her own, calls this woman grandma and refers to herself as "Susan's granddaughter." This connection and using these family names/words makes both of them feel special.

I get where you're coming from OP.

For the sake of a less family drama, I'd probably continue to do the "Happy Mothers' Day, Grandma" routine. But don't do anything like "Happy Mothers' Day, love Bob & Susan". I would not do a gift from the grandkids to "grandma" for Mother's Day. Save that for Grandparents' day in September.

Does your dad's wife act as a regular caregiver for the kids, or just actively involved in their life with family visits? If you said she's a caregiver in your original message, I didn't see it.

Do they do anything for your dad on Father's Day?

We have a very similar situation - my DH's father's wife has no kids and acts like a grandma to our children. They married when DH was 38 and after our first child was born. She is great with our kids, but I would never dream of sending her a mother's day card. We send my mother and DH's mother mother's day cards - but from us, not the kids. That being said, I do think you're going to cause unnecessary hurt feelings by stopping the practice now. I vote for a card and maybe some flowers from your yard.

She is acting in a (grand) motherly role. There doesn't need to be a biological connection to be grateful and to show appreciation for someone who is part of the family and is invested and loves your children.

You admit this woman is good to your kids. You are not acknowledging that she is your mother. You are simply saying Happy Mothers Day, Grandma on Mothers Day. What is so wrong acknowledging her on Mother's Day. I get a card from my godson on Mothers day - I guess I don't see the need to make a dramatic statement like your brother did. I also don't happen to agree with your father forcing the issue, but for goodness sakes, this woman cares for and looks after your most precious gifts - is a card and small token really too much hassle?

YOu are completely wrong about this and you are about to create some really hard feelings where there don't need to be any.

YOU don't need to send her a mother's day card but if your kids call her grandma, they could send her a grandma-specific one and sign (or scribble) their names and done. No one is upset.

If you stop the tradition now, particularly in light of your brother's strange behavior, you will add to family strife. As PP said, spend three bucks and send a card. Who does it hurt?

Eh, spend three bucks and send a card the kids sign to save the peace.

Here's the backstory. My father's wife does not have any children of her own. She married my dad when we were adults (youngest sibling was 24) We don't even refer to her as step-mom - it's just too weird. She's our father's wife. I like her enough. She's great, nice, everything is fine. We have children now and she is wonderful with our kids (more than even my mom - who "tolerates" the toddlers but has never offered to take the kids on her own - unlike my dad's wife).

The kids call dad's wife grandma and spend a lot of time with her. when my son was born, my dad made a big deal about mother's day and insisted we do something for his wife - since she's his grandma. (as a backstory, my brother refused with his kids saying she is not his mother and the kids will recognize her on "grandparents day" but not mother's day and there was a huge fight leading to them not speaking for about 2 years). So, when my son was born, we gave a gift and card that said "happy mother's day, grandma" and this has gone on for about 4 years (we now have 2 kids).

for some reason, this year it's sitting really weird with me. I now get my brother's position. This woman is not my mother, and we don't do "happy mother's day, grandma" from the kids to my own mother, or DH's mother. (We do a Happy mother's day from us - their kids - but not from their grandkids. So this year, for whatever reason, I feel really fake and weird giving this woman a mother's day wish from people that aren't her children.

Anyone have any thoughts?