That's ridiculous. If anyone is having a destination anything - wedding, bar mitzvah, etc. they should expect that no one but their immediate family is going to come, unless they offer to pay for their guests' trip, and even then it's a lot to ask someone to travel halfway around the world for you.

I was in Israel on a tour in 1993 and there was a boy in the group having a bar mitzvah on the southern steps of the temple in our group. But it was just his parents with him - no big family posse.

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people do a trip to Israel for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Its actually very common as its often more meaningful and spiritual and very often, its cheaper than a big party in the US.

That being said, the ones I know generally recognize the expense involved and dont expect everyone to be able to make it. sorry that they are guilting you, just tell them you are sorry you couldnt make it and send a gift. The guilt is just your family, not reflective of all "destination bat mitzvahs".

OP here. The tour and tickets are over $12000 for our family.

We are having trouble traveling across the country to attend a close family Bar Mitzvah where the family lives. The weekend is basically our vacation for the year. I would not make an international trip (unless it otherwise fit into my budget and life). Give a generous gift. Find time to spent with them before or after. Enjoy the pictures.

Lots of people do a trip to Israel for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Its actually very common as its often more meaningful and spiritual and very often, its cheaper than a big party in the US.

That being said, the ones I know generally recognize the expense involved and dont expect everyone to be able to make it. sorry that they are guilting you, just tell them you are sorry you couldnt make it and send a gift. The guilt is just your family, not reflective of all "destination bat mitzvahs".

Sister of "BM Boy in Israel here!"

Love the "BM" comments

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several years ago my brother had his BM in Israel on Masada just for immediate family (parents/another brother/myself.) We also went to Egypt afterwards. We celebrated after Israel w/ extended family & friends at a restaurant in NYC---The invitation for that was a photo of. The Israel BM. Everything worked out great.

He pooped in Israel? And took a photo no less!

Anonymous wrote:Several years ago my brother had his BM in Israel on Masada just for immediate family (parents/another brother/myself.) We also went to Egypt afterwards. We celebrated after Israel w/ extended family & friends at a restaurant in NYC---The invitation for that was a photo of. The Israel BM. Everything worked out great.

He pooped in Israel? And took a photo no less!

I don't want to hear that family is obviously not that important to me or that I'll have to understand when people decline my child's Bar Mitzvah as well.

NO! Say it isn't so. Your extended family is trying to be manipulate you by laying a guilt trip on you??

Why, I have never heard of such a thing!

Oh, and fuck that shit.

Several years ago my brother had his BM in Israel on Masada just for immediate family (parents/another brother/myself.) We also went to Egypt afterwards. We celebrated after Israel w/ extended family & friends at a restaurant in NYC---The invitation for that was a photo of. The Israel BM. Everything worked out great.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I can say, is, "fuck that shit."

OP here. I couldn't agree more. Problem is, I really like and love my family. I love family occasions. But 10 day tour of Israel. (Or, the alternative of just me flying out and back for minimal time).... No way.

Practice with me: "That sounds lovely, but unfortunately, that's simply not going to work for us. Have a lovely time." Repeat, with a smile, as necessary.

Oh, and, fuck that shit.

Anonymous wrote:All I can say, is, "fuck that shit."

OP here. I couldn't agree more. Problem is, I really like and love my family. I love family occasions. But 10 day tour of Israel. (Or, the alternative of just me flying out and back for minimal time).... No way.

All I can say, is, "fuck that shit."

Ps just rereading my post. Top 3 reasons for not attending were listed reasons 3,4, and 5!

When did this become a trend?

Last year, two of my cousins had a joint Bat Mitzvah for thier daughters in Israel. We did not attend. I have gotta so much grief for not attending. I didn't detail every single reason, instead focusing on the top 3, but we didn't attend because:

1) I hate flying.
2) I have conflicted feelings about Israel politically and have no desire to visit.
3) This trip would have used up our family's vacation time and budget for the entire year.
4) I have a stepson and we could not arrange custody for the entire trip. (Christmas, absolutely a no go trade from his mom. Very understandably, as they celebrate)
5) It's the one time of year I cannot take off nonemergently.

Now, my brother is saying they are planning an Israel Bat Mitzvah in 2 years. Reasons 1-3 will still apply. Reason 4 very likely will (We have very limited time in our schedule where he is with us for even a week straight) Theres even a chance reason 5 will apply too. ( I'm most junior in a physician group covering an ICU, I can get 2 weeks off in the summer, but not always the ones I want. Winter break is absolutely out.)

I don't want to deal with the guilt trips again. I've never had a problem with destination anythings before, assuming that most reasonable people would understand if guests declined. Last time it was 14 months between save the date and event, and I believe I had to decline well over a dozen times and explain to as many family members that we could not make it work. I don't want to hear that family is obviously not that important to me or that I'll have to understand when people decline my child's Bar Mitzvah as well.