My parents had this type of relationship with my little brother, he only ate specific food, in a specific order, nothing could be touching on the plate, and he would eat all of one item until eating the next. He always found a problem, there were always temper tantrums, and it was a nightmare for everyone. fast forward to now he's 25 and still eats the same way. he has major issues with eating at restaurants or coming up to my house to visit when food is involved. it is insanity.

I am not saying your child will end up this extreme, but it scared me at least not to cave into my children when the food struggle started in my house when DD was around 2. She would only eat strawberries, that was it, for every meal. I found myself getting desperate, offering several choices and it seemed like a sick game to her.

Then my good friend saw my struggles, and gave me French Kids Eat Everything. I read that book in 2 days, it was pretty funny and I felt like the author and I could be twins in our anxiety with food. Then my friend who has several kids told me she never makes individual meals (she's got 6 kids so that is probably why), never. if her kids don't eat, that is fine she tells them, saves their meal on fridge and tells them they won't be able to eat anything else until the next meal except for their uneaten previous meal. One of her children had some speech therapy that was related to how he used his tongue and contributed to his reluctance to eat certain textures and his speech therapist gave her that book. my friend said it was a big help in her understanding her own contribution to the problem and made her feel empowered, that she could make a positive change.

I follow the approach in the book most of the time. I am WOH mom so I don't have time to make fancy 4 course meals. It has made a big difference for us.

Good luck.

I started typing up a whole list of ideas for preschoolers, and then looked up and saw that your DC is 8. Is he active and doing sports? Go from a nutrition perspective - explaining what types of food make our bodies work properly. Still, I think at 8, it is worth discussing with your pediatrician. It may be that he's getting a lot of attention over food at both homes, and that's his way of dealing.

Can you bake other veggies into muffins that he might eat?

Another mom of 1 picky and 1 totally adventurous eater.. I am going back to a PP reference to Bread and Jam for Francis. There is a line in the book that goes something like...there are many different foods that can taste many different ways but bread and jam always tastes the same ..and I like it. I thin that describes my childs view..she wants to know what she is getting and wants to know it will be good. I have never wanted to force DC to eat something...just doesn't feel right to me. She is 11 now and has added a few variants to the list over the years. I do make her something different if she won't eat the main meal but it is usually just a scaled down version...and not always that great. She does not get pizza while everyone else has chicken. Frustrating but I still assume she will be a well fed adult some day.

The "reward" for eating is not being hungry.

You aren't a short-order cook. When you stop acting like one, your son will realize he either eats what's there or is hungry. Natural consequences are what worked before people starting overthinking how to raise kids.

He won't starve. Letting him be picky will disadvantage him in the long run. I was very picky as a child and was catered to; it took years as an adult with adventurous friends and husband to get me to taste and actually like most foods.

Don't do this to yourself or him. "Here's what's for dinner -- If you're hungry, you'll eat it." <---Memorize this. Good luck.

OP again. My approaches have run the gamut. Hardcore, carefree, rewards, punishment (loss of iPad, for example), just one bite, clean your plate, pretty much you name it. Nothing has worked. Now I'm afraid he's internalized his pickiness as part of his personality; he tells people "I'm picky" (my fault I think).

It doesn't help that he has two different homes with completely different approaches. His dad only serves what he asks for, whatever that may be. I have them 20:30 days however, and most weeknights, so for me that gets exhausting over the long run.

I also think since he seems to crave structure and boundaries (he hates to be surprised), there's something comforting about consistent taste/texture which is why the brand is so important to him. It was a huge milestone when he discovered he likes non-Kraft mac & cheese for example, though he can't stand the au gratin browned cheese if it's passed under a broiler or god forbid, it's garnished with green parsley!! Or peppered.

Anyway, I'd love to tap into that very structure thing he's got going on and use it to my advantage toward trying new things. Example, last night he tried (and liked) peanut butter on soft bread (instead of pale tan toast... and yes, he's even picky about the quality of the toast's texture) It sounds like he's a tyrant but he asks so nicely and is almost in tears if the end result is wrong and he has to "gag" it down. So bizarre to me! My other kids are very eager and adventurous eaters (Cajun food, sea food, sushi, willing to try anything...)

Any thoughts on blending his need for structure and routine into trying new stuff too?

Ours is a lot younger (4), but is very picky. It caused him to fall off his growth curve as an infant/toddler and he is very tiny for his age.

We encourage touching and eventually tasting. He's slowly started eating (even even enjoying) new foods and has started experimenting with mixing foods (which is huge). Because of the growth concerns, we don't just let him go hungry and skip meals but we don't short order cook either.

He's still picky, but improving.

My cousin was extremely picky until he was a teenager and began voluntarily trying new foods.

What are your current approaches to his eating?

Yes this is aimed at younger kids but has good insights that you can apply to older children:

http://www.amazon.com/Just-Take-Bite-Challenges-ebook/dp/B006PNS16Q/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1365504622&sr=8-2-fkmr0&keywords=take+bite+lori+ems

I find that with my kid, texture is a big deal, e.g., he likes raw carrots to cooked. I would also try to get your son involved in the cooking and maybe try to find a cooking class for kids.

I have a picky eater but I don't cater to him. I cook dinner and serve everyone the same thing. If he eats it he gets dessert, if not he doesn't. Wait that kinda sounds like a reward system. Anyway, what I don't do is put a lot of energy into the rule at every meal. It is well known and hasnt changed in years.

It's the constant attention spent on every meal that sounds exhausting. I'd establish a rule that is best for him and suits you and stop revisiting it.

I'm kind of in the same boat but not quite as bad. Marguerite Kelly(not sure how to spell it but she write the family almanac in the WaPo) wrote a great column about this once but she is fairly hardcore.
Her advice from what I remember was basically don't cook any of their favorite foods-or pack them in their lunches- for three days. Eventually they will eat what you are serving them when they get hungry, they will not starve.
I haven't had to try this yet but I think we are going in that direction.
Since your ds is 8 is there any chance he will help you cook? Maybe by making it fun he will eat?
We are down to chicken (not nuggets) broccoli and salad. So I can't really complain but it does get annoying
Good luck

Hi OP -

The scenario you describe is frustrating. I'm experiencing the same with my daughter. I think your son's diet sounds totally fine from a nutritional perspective - it's covering all the food groups. I don't have any magical cures for the picky behavior, but I like the PP's recommendation for a rewards approach. Maybe challenge him to try something new for a week and he gets a points toward a toy or outing of his choice. I also REALLY lay on the positive reinforcement if DD tries something new, as rare as it is. Even if she doesn't finish the new item, I acknowledge that she tried it.

I like your "egg drop soup" approach, too. My DD basically rejects all vegetables (except, strangely, chick peas). So I sneak these in by blending vegetables and adding them to macaroni and cheese, spagetti sauce, and to "pancakes" (whole wheat pancake mix, add blended veggies to the mix). The downside is that I'm not really changing the behavior, just working around it.

As for going out, I just bring snacks that DD will eat. She can choose to eat at the restaurant or to have her snacks - her choice. I've noticed that if we go out and order (and she doesn't) she often comes around and realizes that she does, in fact, want something. There's definitely a control element in this, so I make it absolutely no fuss. You don't want anything on the restaurant's menu? Totally fine, here is a graham cracker and some string cheese. I realized that the fuss and the worry fed into DD's behavior and fueled it.

Also, it may sound silly, but I read the book "Bread and Jam for Francis" with DD. It's about a picky eater who learns that she's missing out on a lot of wonderful foods. Might be a way to introduce the themes of trying new foods without making it a battle or a lecture.

Oh and I should add, he's never met a cupcake, cookie, or chocolate treat he didn't like. He'll try any new sweet treat, just not any other kind of new thing.

I have tried rewards for one bite, sitting until he eats the portion I've put on his plate (very reasonable, trust me), using a timer, putting on the full court press, letting all the tension go, and letting the decision be his (ie, it's cool if you don't all all the carrots and chicken leg. If you do, you get dessert. If you don't, no dessert. It's up to you whether you get dessert.)

The doctor spoke to him about trying more foods, he also told me what he was eating met basic requirements for nutrition. But I'm starting to hear stories about high school kids (boys mostly) who are STILL picky eaters like this and I go a little crazy thinking I could be dealing with this until college and then I'm sending an ADULT off with this kind of food problem? I feel like I'm going bat shit crazy some days with this one. (he's the youngest of three, by the way).

Is there a control issue embedded in food struggles? He also likes to know what's happening, timelines, who's coming, how long, all kinds of things related to controlling his environment.

You can't make a child eat. Well, maybe if you're the kind of family that regularly beats your kid, so he's used to it, but I don't think it's worth it.

For my kid what worked was to begin a policy that all that was served for dinner was what was on the table, but make sure that there was at least 1 thing that he liked. So serve whatever you're serving the rest of the family with a side of fruit, or some rolls, or broccoli for the veggie. Don't comment, or nag, just ask him "would you like some potatoes?" "would you like some liver?" and let him say yes or no as he pleases.

Once he can handle that, start making subtle shifts in the food. I'd go very very slowly. So, serve a fruit tray with blueberries, and pineapple, and mango and let him pick what he likes, and then later serve it like a fruit salad, and still let him pick it out. Or put PB and toast out, and give him a knife but don't cut if for him, let him navigate that. Just little tiny changes, but let them kind of add up.

Also, continue to eat out. If he eats the rolls and a cup of milk, that's fine. He won't starve.

He's only a few years away from his big growth spurt. When that happens he'll be super hungry and if you've got him into the habit of trying new things (even little things like pb toast cut in 1/2 not quarters), and he knows that you won't short order cook, the growth spurt will help him find the motivation to move faster. When your a teen age boy at a party, and all there is is Wendy's nuggets, you'll flex.

Have you tried a rewards approach?

Have you tried asking him to eat just one bite if each thing on his plate?

You could combine those two. If he tries enough new foods multiple times, he will find something he likes.

What does he eat at school, by the way?

I'm at my wits end with my 8 y/o son. Everyone always says don't push the food issue with your kids, pick your battles wisely, etc so I essentially let him eat from his "list" of tolerable foods starting at age 3. Now at age 8, he's whittled down a list of foods to such a small number of items, we can't eat out anymore and I'm certain it's a power struggle with him now.

He'll eat:
Meat/ Protein: Peanut butter on toast (cut into four squares or no dice), chicken nuggets from McD's or Chick Fil A only, macaroni and cheese, Spaghetti-Os, cheese pizza, Subway ham and cheese (or store brand if wrapped in Subway paper), chicken legs, milk, yogurt
Veggies: broccoli and carrots (raw) with ranch dip, potatoes
Fruit: strawberries, blueberries, grapes, pineapple, apples, oranges
Bread/ grains: oatmeal, rice, ramen noodles (I drop an egg in like egg drop and sneak it past him for protein), rolls, bread

When I list it out like this, it seems like more. Typically, evenings are a power struggle and leave me not wanting to cook at all because it's me and the two kids, one of whom begs for PB toast and milk. At what point do you just pull your hair out or beat their little butts into submission (okay, not really, but I REALLY want to sometimes!!) Is he getting away with murder or can you really not force a child to eat?

Please chime in, especially if you've "fixed" your picky eater or your story has a happy ending!