As someone recovering from husband's almost two year affair, I would gather more evidence. Cheaters lie. Affairs that are not the one-time business trip flings are addictive. My DH was a different person. He denied denied denied and lied. It was only after we separated from him being unbearable to live with and I was ready to walk away from the marriage that he came clean about everything and that was only after the affair had been over for a few months and he was out of his f-ed up fog.

I would make a plan, gather evidence. In the thick of an affair, there is not much you can do to stop it aside from blatant exposure. Not, are you having an affair, but "I hired a PI and I have evidence. Now is your time to make a choice."

OP, I think you know the answer to this question. That is not an appropriate relationship. Period.

When your DH cheated before, how did you handle it? Did he get therapy? Did he get to the bottom of whatever it is that made him do it? Or did you guys just sweep it under the rug and move on as it it had not happened?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you ask him, assume that he did it. Think ahead - what do you want to happen, assuming that he is guilty (which I think sounds likely)?

Formulate your plan and approach on that basis, then and only then, proceed. Maybe consider meeting with counsel first (if you are at all leaning in that direction).

OP here. This is the issue--I don't know what I'm going to do. If he says she's an old friend and they have an inside joke about red shoes, that's a reasonable explanation. If he admits to cheating again I will be devastated. I don't know if I can leave. I really, really want to provide a happy childhood for my children and I know it's been good for them so far. DH's job requires moving around the country and therefore, divorce would mean a geographic separation for him and the kids. Not to mention a very different financial situation assuming the kids would go with me and my much lower earning power.

Do what you have to OP. Stay or go, it's your decision but be prepared to carry this matyrdom like a pro for as long as you stay, I don't know many women who can successfully do that. You can't expose the children to this dysfunction.

Old friend? Inside joke? I have swamp land I want to sell you.

put a suit case of his out on the bed and when he asks why that is there say the following. you know why.... and do not say another word.

Anonymous wrote:Before you ask him, assume that he did it. Think ahead - what do you want to happen, assuming that he is guilty (which I think sounds likely)?

Formulate your plan and approach on that basis, then and only then, proceed. Maybe consider meeting with counsel first (if you are at all leaning in that direction).

OP here. This is the issue--I don't know what I'm going to do. If he says she's an old friend and they have an inside joke about red shoes, that's a reasonable explanation. If he admits to cheating again I will be devastated. I don't know if I can leave. I really, really want to provide a happy childhood for my children and I know it's been good for them so far. DH's job requires moving around the country and therefore, divorce would mean a geographic separation for him and the kids. Not to mention a very different financial situation assuming the kids would go with me and my much lower earning power.

Anonymous wrote:Before you ask him, assume that he did it. Think ahead - what do you want to happen, assuming that he is guilty (which I think sounds likely)?

Formulate your plan and approach on that basis, then and only then, proceed. Maybe consider meeting with counsel first (if you are at all leaning in that direction).

I agree with this. And frankly if you have cheated, I don't think phone or email privacy has been earned until many years of earning back trust. That's the "rule" in my house.

Before you ask him, assume that he did it. Think ahead - what do you want to happen, assuming that he is guilty (which I think sounds likely)?

Formulate your plan and approach on that basis, then and only then, proceed. Maybe consider meeting with counsel first (if you are at all leaning in that direction).

What were his responses to those emails?

He picked up 1 or 2 women at bars? Was it one or two - did he tell you? That'd be a big difference for me, not an "or" and if he hadn't clarified, I'd think the number was 2-3 times more.

This deal, was it from you or from him? Trusting him means he should trust-worthy, not that you should feel like you're turning a blind eye to things. Is there a reason you were looking through his emails or do you do it frequently / periodically as a spot-check?

Honestly, I would think long and hard about quietly continuing to gather evidence and financially prepare for a divorce. Sounds like you've got a serial cheater on your hands. Sorry, OP.

And what's with the confession of sleeping with "one or two" women? It's either 1 or it's 2. If he really said "one or two" that implies, to me, that there have actually been many more.

You let him get away with it so he does it more. I doubt Ms. Red Shoes is the only one he is seeing.

Sit him down and tell him that you have been some female issues and tell him you have a sexually transmitted disease and the doctor wants to test him to find out how to treat it saeeing it coudl be life threatening. He will sing like a jail bird.

Ofcourse, you should ask him after owning up to your part in snooping. You fucked up there sure but that doesn't excuse the possible cheating.

double post...

While there may be a reasonable explanation, I highly doubt it. Even if he is only still chatting with a woman he slept with before he confessed about the bar girls and is being physically faithful, this woman is still someone he sees, and they think about each other fondly.

He has an inappropriate relationship with this woman, without a doubt.

I just found emails between my husband and another woman. They weren't explicit but did reference "having good memories", that she is not wearing any pink today, and that she thinks of him whenever she wears her red shoes. I snooped on his iPhone, so I wasn't able to go back further and read older messages. Should I ask him who she is? This would be admitting that I snooped through his phone and set me up for a big fight if there is a reasonable explanation for the emails. DH travels a lot for work and has a history of not telling me very much about who he's with, what he does, etc.

However--and please no snark about this--he also is an admitted cheater. About a year and a half ago, he told me that he had had sex with one or two women he'd picked up at bars while on a work trip. I was very hurt and disgusted by it, but did not leave and the relationship has mostly been working. We have been together since college, married 12 years and have two kids if that's any explanation for why I didn't leave. I guess I'm asking for advice about this because I know that part of the deal with not leaving after being cheated on was that I am supposed to be trusting him and checking his email and being freaked out by emails like this show that I'm not keeping my part of the bargain.