I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you OP. A break sounds like a great idea - as several other posters have mentioned. Is it possible you and DH can get away for a vacation? Take some time and then consider your options when you are not so close to this most recent loss.

Anonymous wrote:After all you've gone through, may I ask why you had to terminate with donor egg? Was it still chromosomal abnormal despite donor egg? Not sure what you meant by health reasons and am curious.

I am not the OP either, but I had a DE pregnancy that I ended up terminating because of chromosomal abnormalities. While less likely with younger eggs, the risk does not go down to zero. When it does happen it feels like you are the unluckiest person in the world because you had a much lower risk and still ended up with a negative outcome. (Of course, that is on top of being unlucky enough to end up using DE in the first place. My DH, who is extremely logical and practical, actually suggested at one point that we try to find someone who could check and see if someone had put a curse on us - and I am not sure he was totally joking.) It took me a while to get over the shock of ending up with that particular bad outcome since I had prepared myself for others (it not working in the first place, m/c, etc.) but not that one.

OP, give it some time and don't make any decisions until you have had time to process what happened. We took six months off and just focused on getting better, leaving our possibilities open but not thinking about any plans. We did ultimately decide to do DE again and I am currently 26 weeks pregnant. I am still terrified that something is going to go wrong, I won't lie to you. It takes a lot of mental energy to keep your mind from going to the worst-case scenario, but it is getting easier. I am, however, starting to make my peace with being an older mom. We were 32 when we started TTC and I will be 38 when this baby is born. I have been surprised at how I have been able to let this concern go over the last few months.

In these kinds of situations, there is no right decision. I do think you will know when you are ready to start making decisions again. You will be able to tell when your decisions can be based on reason instead of on shock and grief. Until then, focus on the present, get some rest, and work on some of your other goals so that you can remember what it feels like to be successful at something in your life again.

Not the OP here, but it could be anything. We had a late term termination as it was life threatening placenta accreta, so health reasons can be either baby or mom. I ended up with a hysterectomy so I can't carry a child myself, but if it were not so extreme a case resulting in a hysterectomy it theoretically could carry again, but would be terrified of repeat accreta. Soooo...: while I have not clue if that is what the OP has gone through, it is something that fits the scenario for those that are confused by the situation.

After all you've gone through, may I ask why you had to terminate with donor egg? Was it still chromosomal abnormal despite donor egg? Not sure what you meant by health reasons and am curious.

OP, you've been through a lot and I'm so sorry about your losses. Your experience is obviously both physically and emotionally traumatic. That said, give yourself sometime to heal. Take some time - the next few months - to rest and rejuvenate. I'd also recommend counseling, particularly with a therapist who has experience with infertility and miscarriage. Then, when you've had a chance to heal, you can make decisions about your next step. Maybe that next step is moving on to a life without children, maybe it's exploring DE, or maybe it's surrogacy or adoption. But give yourself some time to just be.

OP: I am sorry! Now you probably need a nice vacation and some rest. Surrogacy is very complex, but the real hard part is afterwards -- raising a child after all that you have been through. You don't mention your age, or how much wear and tear (sounds like a lot). It is possible to have a wonderful life without children. I know you are grieving at the moment. One of the worst parts of going through all of this is that it makes it seem like you have to suceed at all costs. It takes away your choice : how do I want to live the rest of my life? Can I find happiness without children now?

Surrogacy is not nearly as scarey as you am think it is- it's just different and not all that common. I'd recommend spending time on SMO surrogate moms online to get a better understanding of the process and the community. We have has to turn to surrogacy after an unexpected hysterectomy, but so far we are optimistic about the process.

Thanks everyone. OP here. Unbelievably, things actually got worse after I posted this. We knew there was still stuff inside my uterus after the D&C and we decided to wait and let it come out on it's own instead of having a second D&C. We expected a slow drip (sorry, TMI) but I think I went into sort of labor on Thursday afternoon. The pain was excruciating and it came in regular intervals that you could time. Doc gave me narcotics and said we just had to get through it. The narcotics helped the pain and when I woke on Friday I passed this huge, walnut-sized chunk of tissue and a bunch of smaller pieces the size of dimes and nickles. The cramping stopped at that point, but then I had crazy nausea and an unbelievable migraine that only ended at 3am last night. Now I just feel weak and sore and all I can do is cry. It's been seven months since we started this round and we keep thinking "this is the end," but it's never the end.

OP, my journey has also been shorter than yours, and I've had one m/c--I can't say "only one" because I think of him as a lost baby, not a m/c. Many failed cycles, each feels like a loss, and it repeats itself, again and again. Like you, I am also scarred. I am in a DE cycle now and the statitistics have ceased to comfort, I take it personally, like I'm a failure. Like even this can't work, but I have to try. To me this is all tied to heartbreak now. It is hard to imagine that I'll ever find the joy I sought when starting to try to conceive.

All to say, I can't pretend to know the depth of your pain, how much more it may be than mine or anyone else's here, but I do understand that it's deeper than imaginable. That is infertility. Unexpected, and pain beyond understanding. The loss that cannot be described if it is not experienced. The grief that others dismiss.

Of course you are exhausted.

With all my heart, and some tears, I wish you peace and relief from it.

OP, I'm so sorry. I've gone through less than you have, and I've felt scarred. I have one child conceived without intervention, then many miscarriages, then finally another through DE. The entire experience of m/c after m/c was traumatic, and it affected me deeply. You have been through so much. Be kind to yourself. You have every right to feel however you feel - exhausted, disappointed, grieving, anything. It's okay to take a break, and it's okay to come back later when you are older. It's also okay to decide that child-free is the way you want to go.

Take care, OP.

OP, please give yourself a break- physically and emotionally. You have walked through fire and you still have hope. Only you can make yourself feel guilty. Remind yourself often and let the guilt go- you have done everything possible and it didnt work and it sucks but it does not diminsh you as an individual or a woman to not carry a pregnancy. If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be around for your husband or your child. Be content knowing that you tried, did your best and it is time to move on. Best of luck to you and your family in this difficult time.

I'm sorry OP. take care of yourself

I'm so sorry. Of course you are tired. Take off the next few months then revisit this and see how you feel, maybe?

I feel so bad for you, it definitely sounds like you have tried it all. Struggling with infertility is not easy, and the fact is it really does take a toll on you, your husband, your relationship, your finances, your life. I completely understand your pain and sometimes you just need to say enough is enough. It seems like you are doing the right thing to kind of give it a rest - that rest might be permanent in which case you can move on and have a happy a child-free life (with all of its benefits) ... or you never know, maybe after a few months or years you might feel like DE or surrogacy (or adoption) or something else might be worth one more shot. But however it pans out, you do need to keep an eye on your own well being, because (speaking firsthand) the depths to which the whole process can take you is very low. I wish you peace and fingers crossed it all works out for the best for you.

I'm feeling really sad today. We've been TTC for years and have had many, many miscarriages. The doctors told us that if we tried de, we'd have no problem. So we were thrilled when we did that and got pg. Then it turned out we had to terminate for health reasons. We could probably do de again and have it turn out ok, but I am so scarred from what happened that I simply cannot ever consider it. I am literally too terrified to be able to ever face getting pg again. So, we're starting the process of surrogacy and that's going ok - we have a plan I can live with. I just feel so.... defeated. And exhausted. And overwhelmed by surrogacy, which is exponentially more complicated and expensive than IVF (and that was a slog to learn about!). And I'm not even sure I want a child anymore, except I still love kids, but we're so much older than we were when this all started and I'm just soooooo tired. I can't believe that after all we've been through we now have to face this huge new mountain of a problem. And it makes me feel guilty that I am unwilling to try when we know I can get pg and it would be so much easier if I could just tolerate the thought. At the same time I know there is no way I could handle it (physically or mentally). You can't just have loss after loss and have that not permanently affect you.

No real advice needed. Just feeling really alone and sad and overwhelmed. I figured you all would understand.