I wish my child ate the foods that your child eats.

Our 7 YO DS is somewhat picky, it usually turns into a battle-of-the-wills between DH and DS. I usually put out the parameter that the kids (3) have until X time to finish their dinner, and that whoever has finished by that time will have dessert (yogurt, applesauce, very rarely - but ocassionally - a brownie, cookie, etc.) The rules are the rules, and sometimes our 7 YO DS is enticed to finish his dinner in order to enjoy dessert, and sometimes he just misses out. He'll throw a tremendous crying fit if he misses the boat, but that's just life, IMO.

OP here. Thanks so much for all of the advice. I tell them regularly that it is my job to give them healthy food, their job to eat it or not.

We've tried to have dessert after eating a reasonable dinner, but then everyone just sat down and immediately said "how much do I have to eat to get dessert? how much? am I done yet?" I didn't like that at all because I want them to listen to their bodies and figure out when they're full. Also, dinner conversation was nonexistent.

I've also tried to offer everyone a reasonably healthy dessert every night, but that just led to them eating 3 bites of dinner max and then powering through a tub of yogurt or applesauce.

We've been very consistent about putting him in timeout for breakdowns at the table, but the others still know his patterns and when they want to leave the table, just do the same thing. Also, we put him in timeout because if we send him to his room, he'd be happy as a clam to just read or play legos instead of eating.

What sort of snacks do others keep in the fridge? My younger two are 4 and 2. Only the 4 yo has weight issues. Right now we have carrots and apple slices. Other things need permission.

Maybe if this is some sort of sensory thing, it is time to get him some help. I'm about out of ideas.

Anonymous wrote:We have two younger children who are better eaters, but his issues are rubbing off on them.

OP, I have a child with an eating disorder and have dealt with a lot over the years. One thing that struck me about this is that my difficult eater's habits have not rubbed off on my other kids. I think it's because I don't/can't make food a battle or my non-eater will shut down and not eat at all, sometimes for days. My mealtimes are not at all unpleasant like yours. I think the most significant things I do different than you are that I have the attitude that it's my job to offer healthy food and to encourage that they try it. I don't require that they try it, just encourage. Surprisingly that works a lot of the time. Like you, I prepare food in the way my kids prefer and offer sauces and the like on the side. The other thing I do is I allow food after dinner. My difficult eater will eat a lot of food in the morning and a lot of food at night (like beginning at 8 or 8:30), but next to nothing in between. Now, I will add that I also have a teenager and given the amount of food he needs to get through his day, I could never ban eating after dinner. But, even though I allow food besides at mealtimes, my two other kids will take in most of their food at actual mealtimes.

+1

He's too old to ban food after dinner. He's old enough to feed himself snacks that you leave in the fridge. Part of developing independence and control of one's self. Just be sure the available snacks are healthy.

We have two younger children who are better eaters, but his issues are rubbing off on them.

OP, I have a child with an eating disorder and have dealt with a lot over the years. One thing that struck me about this is that my difficult eater's habits have not rubbed off on my other kids. I think it's because I don't/can't make food a battle or my non-eater will shut down and not eat at all, sometimes for days. My mealtimes are not at all unpleasant like yours. I think the most significant things I do different than you are that I have the attitude that it's my job to offer healthy food and to encourage that they try it. I don't require that they try it, just encourage. Surprisingly that works a lot of the time. Like you, I prepare food in the way my kids prefer and offer sauces and the like on the side. The other thing I do is I allow food after dinner. My difficult eater will eat a lot of food in the morning and a lot of food at night (like beginning at 8 or 8:30), but next to nothing in between. Now, I will add that I also have a teenager and given the amount of food he needs to get through his day, I could never ban eating after dinner. But, even though I allow food besides at mealtimes, my two other kids will take in most of their food at actual mealtimes.

OP --

I think a PP hit it on the head that he is eating so much at breakfast b/c he's starving from not having dinner. I can really relate b/c my youngest is pickier than yours! The things you describe your child eating (mine is 6 1/2 btw) are things my child would never eat. Basically, my kid eats carbs and dairy with some carrots and apples and chicken nuggets on the side. THAT's IT. He will not eat meatballs, steak (never), real chicken, or mashed potatoes. He is a bread and cheese guy with some pasta or rice being acceptable. My kid does not yet weigh 40 lbs -- and he's 6 1/2!!!

So, I do understand. My suggestion to you would be to let him have bread and butter or a bowl of cereal at night if he doesn't want dinner. He should at least eat something if he won't eat the regular meal. I also have a saying that we use (although I generally don't follow through on it anymore, but I used to) --- "pay to complain!" Which means you don't show up to the table and say "bleck!" b/c you'll owe me a dollar. The kids think it's funny. I do try to make something the kids will eat, so I know how frustrating it is to try and then they still won't eat it. But, try to step outside that frustration and make sure he eats something (even if it's bread or cereal). It's not good to go to bed hungry all the time.

OP,

My sympathies. My kids both have food issues; I believe it's sensory related. The older one is doing great, but the 4 year old not so much.

I recommend these books:

Food Chaining by Cheri Fraker

Just Take a Bite by Lori Ernsperger

They're aimed at younger kids, but there are strategies for older kids.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a situation that has been allowed to develop. He has been getting away with stuff all along and it has manifested itself at the dinner table.

Spoken like someone who is fortunate not to be able to relate.
OP, I feel your pain. My 8 yo is a terrible terrible eater. I think worse than yours, as he will not let a vegetable pass his lips and mostly just wants to eat bread or pasta. I do NOT make special meals or let him eat dessert. He is the youngest. The others are 12 and 15 and have always been less stubborn about it. He often simply does not eat dinner, and then he eats a ginormous bowl of cereal for dessert. I have to make him eat fruit before he has more cereal.
I find it impossible to keep all junk out of the house, because of the older kids, but I suppose if I were more disciplined we'd have nothing but healthy choices around. I think I keep junk to a minimum, and the little one thinks it's totally unjust that he doesn't get to eat the same snacks as his siblings. One frustration I have is that I feel like everywhere I turn other people are offering him stuff that fills him up so he doesn't need to eat dinner. (ex. birthday parties, snacks at friends, events at school, etc.) I just keep telling myself that he probably won't eat like this when he's 30. Somehow we need to get from now to then.

Sounds like a situation that has been allowed to develop. He has been getting away with stuff all along and it has manifested itself at the dinner table.

21:24 here. We do dessert after dinner, BUT only if they eat a certain amount of their (albeit, relatively plain) dinner and have good table manners. Since we do generally eat so healthy, this one little treat is hard to come by...so they really work for it. Perhaps if this works, you can then phase out the dessert and be left with better eating and manners once it's routine. Plus, then your other kids are being rewarded for their good behavior.

How about "whining at the table" = "go to your room until you are ready to be civil"

Sets the right example for the other kids.

OP here. 21;24, that has been my philosophy for a long time (tho I don't do all organic). Everything they are served is SO plain. I bake chicken or fish with salt and pepper, then offer sauce choices at the table. I dry off his meatballs, which are cooked in sauce. The other kids put tomatoes, cheese & sour cream on certain dishes and his are plain. I've pretty much stopped feeding them casseroles because he has so many issues with them. But am I shortchanging the other kids?

And our "family time" has become "Listen to DS pitch a fit about dinner" time. Do I just let him eat nothing and not have him try anything? I absolutely agree that he eats so much breakfast because he's starving.

He turns down snacks, outside of the occasional plate of wheat things & cheddar or bowl of popcorn. I have a variety of options available that the younger kids eat and that I offer him when they snack, but he either says no or asks for one of his two choices. I usually let him have a reasonable portion.

I don't want the battle at all. I am trying to figure out how to get past it AND get some healthy food into him.

I can understand that this is frustrating. Please know this perspective is coming from a from-scratch, organic cooking mother...so just know it's only an opinion. I think you need to chill out a bit. You're micro-managing the eating too much. I don't allow meal time to become a battle. I would make simple, fresh foods that the whole family can eat in the way they want. Make plain meat, plain rice, plain potatoes, etc. and let everyone dress up the items the way they want. He might be eating so much breakfast food because he's starving after not having food for dinner. I used to have an eating disorder, and would not eat dinner on purpose, and remember laying in bed day dreaming about what I'd have for breakfast because I would be so hungry from skipping that meal. He won't go to college only eating grilled cheese. Perhaps stop being so regimented, and focus on the family time during dinner as primary importance. Also, maybe plain, healthy snacks in the fridge that he can access whenever he wants. So, I guess I'd be more concerned about his nutrition than I would be the battle.

DS is a very picky eater. He eats a ton of breakfast, some lunch and virtually no dinner. His lunch choices are peanut butter on wheat or roast beef (we got that into a sandwich recently, but used to be just meat in a bag. Fat must be trimmed off.) At home he'll eat grilled cheddar on wheat.

Dinner has become a tremendous problem. Tonight he had a fit about beans and rice, which he happily ate about 10 days ago. He sits at the table and just wails and whines about what is served. This is not allowed, so he goes to timeout. He is required to take one bite of a meal. There is no food served after dinner. He does not eat sauce, hates chicken outside of chicken fingers, refuses all condiments and seasonings beyond salt and pepper. We do not eat dessert during the week (I will occasionally serve fruit with the meal.) Things he eats at dinner are steak & mashed potatoes, lamb chops, spaghetti & meatballs without sauce. In the recent past (last 1-2 years), he happily ate salmon, tilapia, roast chicken legs and when he was a bit younger he ate everything (risotto, ziti/lasagna, lentil casserole, come to mind but it's been a while). He eats some vegetables like broccoli, corn, peas and raw spinach leaves. Absolutely no tomatoes.

We have two younger children who are better eaters, but his issues are rubbing off on them. I am going nuts. I cannot cook to everyone's preferences and I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm cooking around him and shortchanging everyone else, but if he's not going to eat it anyway, why should I? Last week I got so sick of everyone's issues that I cancelled their Friday chicken finger night and fed them the eggplant pasta dish that DH and I had planned. Do I plan each and every meal? Right now the kids get their pick of easy breakfasts. DS eats a TON of breakfast -- 3 eggs and several pieces of bread (no toast, no butter), or 4 huge bowls of cereal. Do I limit that? Do I pack the lunches he likes or just give him whatever is on the menu that day? And then there's dinner.... HELP! Oh, he's thin, but he has always been that way and comes by it naturally. I am not concerned with putting meat on his bones, just powering his body and brain to function and grow.