Okay Ayelet Waldman. Thanks for writing in.

This has been asked and answered multiple times on DCUM.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/71936.page

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/202520.page#1970547


I responded that I love my husband more and got chastised for it.

Married 11 years with 4 children. My husband comes first. As others have said, the love for your spouse and children is totally different and equally as strong, but I still place my husband's needs first.

Anonymous wrote:My husband fills a need in my life that my children cannot and should not. My children give me joy that my husband cannot. They fill different roles and therefore can't be compared. It's when parents use their children to serve their needs and not joys that there is a problem.

+1

It's not a weird question. I suppose love itself might be an inexhaustible resource, but maintaining a healthy relationship with someone you love requires time and energy. When kids come along, they compete for time and affection that could previously be devoted to your spouse. When that happens, sometimes you have to prioritize.

The priority is going to depend on the context with a tie going to the kids when they're young; simply because they are unable to take care of themselves. When the kids are older or mature, the tie goes to the spouse because s/he is who you will be spending the rest of your life with.

But, you have to balance it. You have to interact with your spouse as a companion at times and not just as a co-parent. Otherwise, you'll probably lose the relationship with the spouse and, long-term, your kids will lose out more than if you'd just spent a little less time focused on them and a little more focused on your spouse in the first place.

My husband fills a need in my life that my children cannot and should not. My children give me joy that my husband cannot. They fill different roles and therefore can't be compared. It's when parents use their children to serve their needs and not joys that there is a problem.

Anonymous wrote:Who here believes that being a parent comes first and your marriage comes second? Are you happy with the life you have with kids?

In my marriage my husband comes first and everything else comes second. I am not ashamed to say that I love him more than my kids and I know it is the same for him. Don't get me wrong I adore my 2 kids, but in the end they will leave and it will be just me and my husband again. We have a great relationship and are best friends because we put marriage first.

My kids are more important to me than my spouse. My spouse is an adult.

My husband comes first. I adore all five of my kids. But we put each others needs above our kids. Obviously, I respond to a child who needs me immediately. But overall, my marriage comes first. Healthy marriage= happy kids.

Married 25 years. Five kids. Three in college. Two almost there. Kids grow up and leave home. Marriage is forever.

Anonymous wrote:If this is such a strange question, then why is it so many marriages fail after having kids? Why are there so many posts about sexless marriages?

Because having kids is stressful. Not because loving your kid makes you stop loving your DH. Duh!!

If this is such a strange question, then why is it so many marriages fail after having kids? Why are there so many posts about sexless marriages?

Agree with others that its a different type of love but I love them all equally. Weird question.

Anonymous wrote:PP here. My love for my kids is different than my love for my husband--stronger, maybe? but its different mostly because it comes from a different place. If my husband, god forbid, left me or died, I would grieve tremendously, but I would eventually be at peace with it, maybe find someone else one day.

If one of my children died, nothing could ever replace that void. nothing.

So true.

OP - are you trying to make a statement that people get too wrapped up in their kids? Why does there need to be a choice?

PP here. My love for my kids is different than my love for my husband--stronger, maybe? but its different mostly because it comes from a different place. If my husband, god forbid, left me or died, I would grieve tremendously, but I would eventually be at peace with it, maybe find someone else one day.

If one of my children died, nothing could ever replace that void. nothing.

i put my family first, which means all of us. it isn't a contest. not sure I can separate them. having a good marriage is good for the kids, but since DH and I both are so invested in our kids we tend to really enjoy family stuff and don't feel some big conflict between roles as mother/father versus wife/husband,

Who here believes that being a parent comes first and your marriage comes second? Are you happy with the life you have with kids?

In my marriage my husband comes first and everything else comes second. I am not ashamed to say that I love him more than my kids and I know it is the same for him. Don't get me wrong I adore my 2 kids, but in the end they will leave and it will be just me and my husband again. We have a great relationship and are best friends because we put marriage first.