That is really something serious, and it's good that you have seen it this early. There's always a room for improvement though.

her doctor!

Similar to my niece. they initially thought the primary issue was ADHD (inattentive - not hyperactive) but later realized that anxiety was the bigger issue.

I would definitely look into this further. ADHD (inattentive) and anxiety can look very similar - it could be one or the other or both - or neither and related to events in her life or personality.

Chat with her daughter and maybe get a referral.

Get in touch with your DD's teacher and guidance counselor. Ask what they've seen. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:13:52 again -- my DD wasn't hyperactive either, though sometimes she talks a lot -- that was her "H". She had meltdowns because she was working so hard to keep it together at school. Also she often lost things, which stressed her out. But as i wrote, ADHD was only half the equation, anxiety was the other. Depression can also show up like this in children.

Don't beat yourself up about accommodating her. Its so so hard not to when all you want is peace in the kingdom. Of course, its self-defeating in the long run but its not like you made a decision to do this, it just happened piece by piece. Once you find out if there is a diagnosis you might work with a behaviorist. You can't tackle everything at once but one at a time you can have a much calmer home life.

My DS is also like this. He's primarily inattentive (eg not hyperactive) and we had never considered it when trying to find out what was going on because DS didn't fit what I thought ADHD was. I was incredibly wrong and now that I know more about it, I can see he's got a pretty classic case of it (minus the hyperactivity). He, too, has anxiety and for a period of about 9 months, we had to treat it with medication. When his anxiety is high, he's extremely irritable and his moods change quickly. It was interfering with his life so much and making ALL of us miserable.

I don't know if this is what's going on with your DD but I wouldn't rule it out.

Anonymous wrote:13:52 again -- my DD wasn't hyperactive either, though sometimes she talks a lot -- that was her "H".

14:24 here. This was my DS as well. No H except to talk a lot. Maybe anxiety was his H as well. Getting it under control was a life changer. And, it was me who suggested it to my sons pediatrician. He came out borderline on the ADHD assessment. Because of the combination of academic issues that did not improve with tutoring and the other common interventions, the anxiety and the serious quirkiness that led to some pretty brutal bullying, my Ped agreed to a medication trial. FWIW, my son takes a low dose of Focalin extended release - 15 mg.

This sounds a lot like my DD. She was diagnosed late with high functioning ASD, ADHD, and anxiety issues. Once we starting focusing on the Aspergers diagnosis, things got a lot better for her.

My DD is not defiant, though. Never has been and I've read that is common among Aspies (some don't go through the normal "I hate you mom" period). There is something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder. A cousin had that and I saw it in action. He really was a handful.

13:52 again -- my DD wasn't hyperactive either, though sometimes she talks a lot -- that was her "H". She had meltdowns because she was working so hard to keep it together at school. Also she often lost things, which stressed her out. But as i wrote, ADHD was only half the equation, anxiety was the other. Depression can also show up like this in children.

Don't beat yourself up about accommodating her. Its so so hard not to when all you want is peace in the kingdom. Of course, its self-defeating in the long run but its not like you made a decision to do this, it just happened piece by piece. Once you find out if there is a diagnosis you might work with a behaviorist. You can't tackle everything at once but one at a time you can have a much calmer home life.

My child is a little younger but similar and has an anxiety disorder and ADHD. For what it's worth, I have heard often that girls can be harder to diagnose. Also, I think when you don't see the hyperactivity a lot of people, including teachers, miss it. My child is combined subtype, but more fidgety, slouchy than obviously hyperactive, and teachers steadfastly refused to see it for a long time. The older he gets, however, the more obvious that it is the right diagnosis, especially when it comes to organization skills and generally the executive functions.

OP here again. Thanks for your responses. ADHD never entered my mind. I guess I've always thought of that as hyperactive behavior. Is it odd that we haven't had any teacher or pediatrician raise the issue of ADHD (or anything else for that matter!) or is this normal?

The pp who suggested we have accommodated our DD to head off a lot of defiance -- you are exactly right, I think I've only started to realize how we've done that. I think we've made it worse by working around the outbursts and upset. I worry that we've been able to manage things for her up until now, but as she gets older and has more responsibility - both for schoolwork and for friendships - things have gotten worse. I just worry that she's headed in the wrong direction.

Thank you for your input.

I was going to say that your DD reminds me of what my son used to be like. Also ADHD. Medication has been a life changer.

My daughter was exactly like this. It turned out she had ADHD, which we treated and saw a great improvement. But we eventually realized she also had an anxiety disorder and her life changed so much for the better when we started treating that.

Kids can be difficult to read. It could be depression or anxiety or ADHD or something else entirely or nothing at all. but when you see it impacting day to day life, its time to find out because the earlier you intervene the better. Get a full evaluation from a child psychiatrist.

It sounds like you've been accommodating her a lot to head off the defiance. Now would be a good time to get to the root of it.

I'm beginning to suspect that my 10 year old DD has some sort of social anxiety or maybe something more. I'm lost about whether I'm making too much of behaviors that might be normal - but I also feel that I have suspected something might be wrong for a while.

She's 10 now and has always been willful and strong - translate basically defiant to me. However, her defiance was usually confined to specific times in our home (getting ready for school, etc.). Now, the defiance is seeping out into more public settings and it is embarrassing b/c I see other people taking note and, frankly, she looks odd and troubled when this happens. She's a great kid, but I fear she's getting a bad rep when people observe these age-inappropriate behaviors. Things like picking out clothes, brushing hair, tying the shoes are a struggle daily. This school year, I feel like she is increasingly scattered: running around the house in the morning looking for papers, books, etc. In addition, there seem to be a lot of social issues: complaining about the girls in her class, not having any strong friendship bonds, not wanting to re-join teams, clubs from last year, even the teacher didn't think my DD liked her at the beginning of the school year (my DD thought the teacher was great btw).

I watched her recently during a team activity and could see that she seemed really out of sorts socially. For ex., if another teammate scored, the other girls hi-fived or backslapped whereas my daughter mumbled and looked mad (like she was annoyed the other girl got the point). It seemed like she was really odd for lack of a better word. It was sort of like a lightening bolt for me - like a realization that maybe all these little strange things are not disconnected events, but maybe part of some larger problem.

Does anyone have a DD with this type of social anxiety (or something else that sounds like this)? I guess I worry that her social issues are turning into anger issues (maybe b/c she is old enough to feel the isolation/difference? I don't know. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.