Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 16:17     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Anonymous wrote:For those who have survived infidelity (physical or emotional), did your spouse get meaner and more callous to you? He's been having this affair for almost a year. I had a dream that he was nice and caring to me, something I haven't felt from him for a long time.


YES
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 16:04     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Actually, when I think back I realize *I* was meaner and he was more disgusted (for lack of a better word) at how I acted. It's very weird...it's almost like I was mad at him for the affair even when I didn't even know about it.


He was disgusted with himself or with you?


With me. Which I don't ever remembering pre affair and he doesn't do post affair. But it's like he was easily irritated if I nagged/fussed/etc and made excuses to leave the house for some air, space, etc.


OP. I've read some of the IM chats with his "girlfriend". He tells her that he is annoyed with me not for anything I do specifically - he's just annoyed and irritated with me for being.


That pretty much nails it for me. And I think subconsciously I knew this and treated him mean as a result. When I think back on it, it was very weird to see how that played out.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 15:06     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
For me, I was nice to DH, not nicer than normal and not snappish than normal. Like the pp said, my affair wasn't emotional and I wasn't looking for a replacement for DH, I never even compared the other guy to him, not once. They were both in different compartments.
strongone
Post 01/18/2013 15:01     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
...
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 14:54     Subject: Re:Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Anonymous wrote:In my case, ex had to run me down to "justify" what he did. It's pretty common I think. He seemed angry and easily frustrated with me and the kids, wanted to get away from us to be with OW in their fantasy world.


Did OW live nearby? My DH *only* goes out on Friday nights (she lives 20 miles away) and tells me at the end of the work day that he's going out.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 14:54     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
DH started fights so he had an excuse to leave the house and bang his girlfriend.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 14:52     Subject: Re:Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
In my case, ex had to run me down to "justify" what he did. It's pretty common I think. He seemed angry and easily frustrated with me and the kids, wanted to get away from us to be with OW in their fantasy world.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 14:49     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Actually, when I think back I realize *I* was meaner and he was more disgusted (for lack of a better word) at how I acted. It's very weird...it's almost like I was mad at him for the affair even when I didn't even know about it.


He was disgusted with himself or with you?


With me. Which I don't ever remembering pre affair and he doesn't do post affair. But it's like he was easily irritated if I nagged/fussed/etc and made excuses to leave the house for some air, space, etc.


OP. I've read some of the IM chats with his "girlfriend". He tells her that he is annoyed with me not for anything I do specifically - he's just annoyed and irritated with me for being.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 14:47     Subject: Re:Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes, he was totally mean and disconnected. To justify what he was doing he had to make me the bad guy. Also, affairs are training your brain to get instant gratification - instead of working on your issues or facing issues in your marriage (which are connected to your issues)you just fulfill needs another way. So it makes sense you are inpatient and frustrated when you aren't getting what you want. Our therapist pointed this out and it made a lot of sense.


How long did you go to counseling? Any suggestions if spouse is not interested or willing to go to counseling?


OP and PP. Did he move out during his affair or continue to live under the same roof?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 14:21     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Actually, when I think back I realize *I* was meaner and he was more disgusted (for lack of a better word) at how I acted. It's very weird...it's almost like I was mad at him for the affair even when I didn't even know about it.


He was disgusted with himself or with you?


With me. Which I don't ever remembering pre affair and he doesn't do post affair. But it's like he was easily irritated if I nagged/fussed/etc and made excuses to leave the house for some air, space, etc.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 14:09     Subject: Re:Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, he was totally mean and disconnected. To justify what he was doing he had to make me the bad guy. Also, affairs are training your brain to get instant gratification - instead of working on your issues or facing issues in your marriage (which are connected to your issues)you just fulfill needs another way. So it makes sense you are inpatient and frustrated when you aren't getting what you want. Our therapist pointed this out and it made a lot of sense.


How long did you go to counseling? Any suggestions if spouse is not interested or willing to go to counseling?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 14:06     Subject: Re:Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Yes, he was totally mean and disconnected. To justify what he was doing he had to make me the bad guy. Also, affairs are training your brain to get instant gratification - instead of working on your issues or facing issues in your marriage (which are connected to your issues)you just fulfill needs another way. So it makes sense you are inpatient and frustrated when you aren't getting what you want. Our therapist pointed this out and it made a lot of sense.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 13:24     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Anonymous wrote:Actually, when I think back I realize *I* was meaner and he was more disgusted (for lack of a better word) at how I acted. It's very weird...it's almost like I was mad at him for the affair even when I didn't even know about it.


He was disgusted with himself or with you?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 13:16     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
Actually, when I think back I realize *I* was meaner and he was more disgusted (for lack of a better word) at how I acted. It's very weird...it's almost like I was mad at him for the affair even when I didn't even know about it.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2013 13:09     Subject: Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?
For those who have survived infidelity (physical or emotional), did your spouse get meaner and more callous to you? He's been having this affair for almost a year. I had a dream that he was nice and caring to me, something I haven't felt from him for a long time.