I was the bullied one who eventually had a slow-moving nervous breakdown in 10th grade and got sent to a private school for emotionally disturbed people. It is a miracle I didn't pull a Columbine with the way I was treated.

I went to a college that about a dozen ppl from my high school were at. In the classes we shared, they told everyone how much of a loser I was and I had no friends, and ultimately spectacularly failed out after one semester.

These days I am (almost 20 years after graduating) someone who is slow to make new friends, and values quality over quantity (very possibly out of necessity) and am always surprised to get compliments from peers, including the compliment of them wanting to hang out with me. I can easily go a full month with nobody calling me.

Senior class president at a midwestern Catholic, girls only, high school. Classic beta "good girl". Have done fairly well with bad boy, good looking, smart Catholic boys school husband.

I wouldn't tell your daughter those things OP. I know you mean well, but it doesn't help her deal with her current situation. I think it would be better just to give her time to talk without commenting and trying to be "helpful mom". Try to get her involved with different things so she can find her niche. Also, if she focuses on tutoring a shy kid or babysitting or volunteering, she will learn some great skills.

I was middle of the road in high school. Very shy, kind of boring. The popular kids in my very competitive DC private school were the smart ones who also did drugs. That was not my scene. In college I was a big fish in a small pond and was one of the cool crowd, such as it was. It helped a lot to develop confidence. Now I do very well in business, am kind of shy but able to overcome it. The rest of life is great.

^^am also not fat anymore.

Fat chick nerd who hung out with the gay boys. I almost dropped out of HS because all the Mormon kids would harass me for being gay (because I hung out with gay boys, I must be gay too..or so their "logic" went). I actually turned out very successful and happy. My 20th reunion was interesting. I far surpassed anyone in career and money (maybe because I am not forced to tithe). I also don't have grandchildren, like most of the Mormon girls.

Anonymous wrote:I was a chubby, brainy nerd. If I could keep it anonymous I'd send you my picture freshman year of college and senior year. I had a total makeover--hair, clothes, lost 40lbs. So, I got a great career as a brain and now look hot. Classic ugly duckling story.

Oh and as far as social goes...I was super shy in high school, but it was a self-esteem thing. By the end of college I felt a lot better and was much more outgoing. I'll probably always be a little quirky, but it works for me.

I was a chubby, brainy nerd. If I could keep it anonymous I'd send you my picture freshman year of college and senior year. I had a total makeover--hair, clothes, lost 40lbs. So, I got a great career as a brain and now look hot. Classic ugly duckling story.

Low income nerd, introvert, and jock. High school was VERY hard. I didn't get the grades the really good nerds got. I wasn't super-social because I was introverted. And I was good at sports, but not a star. I didn't hate high school, but it sure wasn't a time that I bloomed. I did much better in college.

I think teaching kids to be resilient is key, regardless of their innate personalities. Teach them to problem solve, make sure they have an expansive social network (not just school, for example, but outside groups), provide them with opportunities to succeed, remind them that some things will come easily while other things require hard work. And that as they become adults, their world gets bigger, with lots of different types of people in it. That in itself makes it much easier to fit in somewhere (and be successful at something she likes to do).

As for successful or not? I'm a lawyer, married, one kid, good job, healthy, and get to pursue some hobbies like travel. I'm not a superstar of any sort. But my life is good.

My brother, who was not great at school or sports, was Mr. Popular. He was handsome, had the best clothes, best haircut, best car, best girlfriends. His life is very much defined by struggle now, in his late 30s. Divorced, problems with his kids, struggling with his job. This is all anecdotal, of course, but his maintaining his focus on being popular and having the prettiest girlfriend/wife led to his failure to not develop other aspects of his life. "Pretty" and "handsome" and "cool car" don't get you through the tough times everyone faces eventually. Focus instead on being more well-rounded and resilient.

I was average in intelligence and a good girl. I wasn't confident, but I had friends and was friendly. I am still of average intelligence, still a good girl (mom/wife), still have lots of friends, but I am much more confident now. I wish that I could go back to my high school self and say "go for it...you can do it." I have a job where I am a leader, and people look up to me and respect me. I know that I am a good leader. I just wish I knew that back in HS. I would have had the confidence to try new things.

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, it's people who develop good social skills that do well in life (controlling for intelligence). So while it's good to be smart, it's much better to be smart and social. That said, your daughter doesn't have to figure this out in HS. I'd encourage her to find some group that she can practice her social skills on (community service, music, part-time job, etc). The more she practices with a wide variety of people the better she will get at it. It's something I wish I had focused more on in HS myself (I was the recluse).

I agree, but I think she can start to develop a sense of self that is independent of external influence. Meaning she knows who she is and feels good about it regardless of whether or not the boy she likes asks her to prom or she gets to sit with the cool kids at lunch.

I was the smart, good girl which was not valued at my HS except by a small group of us who supported one another and shared the goal of getting out of our small town. We all went to good colleges and if FB is any indication we've all achieved"success" in our careers, etc. My husband was a total "bad boy" but managed to get into a good college and even went to grad school....all the while partying his butt off....and is now extremely successful.

OP, I wouldn't assume that the "cool kids" aren't going to do well in life and I don't know if that's the message I'd send to your daughter. Maybe just emphasize her positive traits, help her find some friends to rely on....even if it's just one person....and let her know that these years don't last forever and that she'll be fine in the future....not better than the current "cool kids", but happy and successful in her own right.

To be honest, it's people who develop good social skills that do well in life (controlling for intelligence). So while it's good to be smart, it's much better to be smart and social. That said, your daughter doesn't have to figure this out in HS. I'd encourage her to find some group that she can practice her social skills on (community service, music, part-time job, etc). The more she practices with a wide variety of people the better she will get at it. It's something I wish I had focused more on in HS myself (I was the recluse).

You forgot the slutty type and that was me for sure. I did not have a reputation but I was really bad in high school. Mostly with people who did not go to my school.

Now I am the perfect SAHM and nobody knows my past.

Hmm, I guess I was a smart kid and band geek, as well as a "good girl." I've always had friends and been pretty social, though - I never lacked in social skills or confidence. I never really longed to be in the "cool crowd." We all just had our niche and it was ok at the HS I went to to be the smart kid and in marching band as long as you weren't socially awkward.

I went to a good college, got married in my mid 20s, had a kid, and am doing OK in my mid-30s. My full-time career never went where I thought it would, but I have a part-time working situation that is very flexible and works well for our family situation. I can't complain - we're living the typical middle class suburban life in this metro area that provides both of us with great opportunities and amenities. Oh, and I married the "bad boy turned good"-my husband was the jock turned druggie gang member (I still can't believe he was ever in a gang-it almost doesn't seem possible if you ever saw his hometown) in HS who barely graduated but then got his life together after joining the military.

My teenaged daughter is going through a tough time socially right now, and I've always consoled her with the maxim that the popular cheerleaders and jocks may have their day in high school, but in time, it's the former "band geeks" and nerds who rule the day. I've always said that, and always believed that, but not keeping up with anyone from my high school on FB or otherwise, I actually have no idea whether this proved true in my case. As for me, I was a nerd in high school. I'm still a nerd now, I guess, although much more confident and well put together. Married a nerd. We're successful and happy, but by no means "popular," and truth be told, I would not have minded being a part of the cool crowd way back then. Anyway, I'd love to hear from others, whether you are evidence of the maxim or not - what were you considered in high school and how did you turn out in life (successful, happy; still a nerd, jock etc. or did you evolve/change)?

Thanks.