Anonymous wrote:OP, was your BIL threatening to kill specific people? If so, I don't see the connection between your family (two young children) being around a formerly depressed person who has "paid for his crime" so to speak, and is now stable.


Now, if he was ranting to kill everyone, okay, I can see your fear, but if he was angry at specific people, why would you fear for your little ones? Seems a bit much to me.

I think the bigger point is he is unstable and its in his wheelhouse to hurt other people. Your obligation is to your children first.

OP, was your BIL threatening to kill specific people? If so, I don't see the connection between your family (two young children) being around a formerly depressed person who has "paid for his crime" so to speak, and is now stable.

Now, if he was ranting to kill everyone, okay, I can see your fear, but if he was angry at specific people, why would you fear for your little ones? Seems a bit much to me.

OP, if he's threatening to kill himself and others, you have an obligation to protect your family and not go. No ifs, ands or buts.

My family went through something similar with my psychopathic brother before he died. My mother was defensive and protective to the point of lying and covering up for him to prevent him from facing consequences for his crimes. Sometimes defensive parents - when they're dysfunctional themselves - interpret comments or actions suggesting there's something wrong with the child as a suggestion that there's something wrong with the parents. They'd rather close their eyes to potential danger than open themselves up to criticism.

I wouldn't go. I have family members with mental illness and I hate when they are stigmatized. But none of them has ever threatened to hurt others. I would risk it myself if I were childless, but I wouldn't risk my children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is uncertain like me- but he is leaning towards bailing completely- he and his brother have never gotten along.

PP here. I think that's your answer, then. Perhaps you and the family can go for a visit in January.

And do think of something you can do for your MIL. DH may never have gotten along with his brother, and the illness is scary, but it does stink to leave your MIL alone to deal with all of this.

+1

No, it's not your job to deal with BIL and you should absolutely protect your kids. But serious mental illnesses are indeed scary things, and exhausting for those who care people who have them. I'd try to find a way to be supportive that you're comfortable with. A PP mentioned NAMI; definitely read up on BIL's specific illness(es) if you haven't already.

We skip events where my unstable BIL might attend. My husband also never got along with his brother, so doesn't miss him. It was actually a relief to my husband, once we made the decision that we couldn't trust/feel safe around BIL anymore.

My in-laws have real sadness and regret that there aren't complete family functions anymore, but do not put (much) pressure on my husband to reconsider. I think it helps our relationship with the in-laws that we don't talk trash about BIL to in-laws, or resent them for having their time with the BIL. We just don't want to be around him and don't want him near our kids.

I'd probably stay in a hotel as go anyway. Do you plan to avoid him for the rest of your life? I know you don't want to hear it but it would be nice to support your MIL. Sounds like she is dealing with a lot.

Anonymous wrote:DH is uncertain like me- but he is leaning towards bailing completely- he and his brother have never gotten along.

PP here. I think that's your answer, then. Perhaps you and the family can go for a visit in January.

And do think of something you can do for your MIL. DH may never have gotten along with his brother, and the illness is scary, but it does stink to leave your MIL alone to deal with all of this.

Anonymous wrote:You would expect the MIL to defend her own son, but you should do the same. I wouldn't take my kids around ANYONE that threatens to kill himself or anyone else. No brainer for me. The hell with the MIL.

Agree. we dont have all the facts so I cant be so sure of what you should do, but you have every right - indeed it is your obligation - to put your kids before anyone else's agenda. Protect your own; worry about MIL's feelings some other time. I'm sure this is hard for her too so she will not be easy to reason with, but think about whether you could send her a note explaining that it is a hard decision and you are sorry to hurt her but in the end you have to do what you feel is right for your family.

Yikes--after all the progress it sounds like your BIL has made, that was a horrible thing to just say to your MIL without it being a united front of you and DH.

That said, I don't think I would stay at a house with someone who was threatening to kill himself or others in the last year either. I would in all likelihood insist on a hotel, but I think I'd still show up for a short visit. It may be best for your BIL not to have the stress of 24-7 guests.

What does your DH say? Does BIL's therapist have any advice for how to handle family holidays? Does NAMI?

I'd probably stay in a hotel and see how it went. You can't avoid him forever, I wouldn't think.

DH is uncertain like me- but he is leaning towards bailing completely- he and his brother have never gotten along.

You would expect the MIL to defend her own son, but you should do the same. I wouldn't take my kids around ANYONE that threatens to kill himself or anyone else. No brainer for me. The hell with the MIL.

What does your DH say?

We are supposed to go and visit my MIL for Christmas but my Brother-in-Law (who was released from a mental institution last month) is now living there and I am scared to go with my husband and boys (baby and toddler). He has been ok in the past (just a jerk), but in the last 6 months was very angry and threatening to kill himself and others. He is now seeing a therapist and is on meds-- but I am just not confident that he is currently stable. I just told my MIL and she is furious and says that I should trust her that he is ok now-- but I really think that she is sugar-coating his illness. What do you think? Tell her that we are staying in a hotel and try it out for a few hours, try to stay the night and see how it goes, or bail completely?