Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:26
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
Anonymous wrote:13:17 (first of two at that time) here: As someone whose only grandparent left is elderly and can't help out, I get a little taken aback when I see these types of posts, because when my older siblings had kids, my mom was able to really help them out. So I am unable to connect with what you are feeling. I would love an intrusive and loving grandparent to help out and give me unsolicited advice. Big deal, when she's gone, you shake your head and say some cute things about how she's so trying to be helpful. She can go to grandparents day at the kids school - mine never had that.
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. I'm sorry for your losses.
If the OP's relationship with her MIL wasn't really close or friendly to begin with, having her over every day would be horrible. And having her over every day doing annoying things makes it even worse. Their relationship will get worse, not better, thanks to MIL's behavior. She doesn't recognize her proper role in the family, which is not OP's constant companion, nor is it as a third parent.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:22
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
13:17 (first of two at that time) here: As someone whose only grandparent left is elderly and can't help out, I get a little taken aback when I see these types of posts, because when my older siblings had kids, my mom was able to really help them out. So I am unable to connect with what you are feeling. I would love an intrusive and loving grandparent to help out and give me unsolicited advice. Big deal, when she's gone, you shake your head and say some cute things about how she's so trying to be helpful. She can go to grandparents day at the kids school - mine never had that.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:21
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
Be careful how you treat her since you have a son. You are next in line....
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:20
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
I do not believe in each spouse taking care of communication with their own parents, because in a lot of cases, either the spouse is completely under their thumb, or the parents are just rabidly invasive.
Besides, standing up for yourself as a parent is something you need to perfect as soon as possible - parents are blamed for everything that "goes wrong" with their child, even when said child is all grown up!
So next time MIL nags, look her straight in the eye, and say calmly and firmly: "I'm the Mom. I decide."
No thank you or please about it, no explanations. The shorter your pronouncement, the more impact it will have.
And when she calls you again and again to pursue the point, do not feel obliged to answer every call. You are a busy mom now.
Besides, standing up for yourself as a parent is something you need to perfect as soon as possible - parents are blamed for everything that "goes wrong" with their child, even when said child is all grown up!
So next time MIL nags, look her straight in the eye, and say calmly and firmly: "I'm the Mom. I decide."
No thank you or please about it, no explanations. The shorter your pronouncement, the more impact it will have.
And when she calls you again and again to pursue the point, do not feel obliged to answer every call. You are a busy mom now.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:17
Subject: Re:MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think.
She's excited (thumbs up)
You don't like her (thums down)
Therefore, her excited behavior is annoying (thums down)
I suggest you do what you can to ignore the things that don't matter (e.g., her choice of words for "her baby").
Also, acknowledge and consider her unsolicited advice, even if it's administered poorly (sort of like my post is doing now) ~~ once you've been in the mommy business long enough, maybe by child #2, you'll probably have a bit more empathy for the urge to offer unsolicited advice or, rather, share your experiences and acquired wisdom.
The big stuff that does (somewhat) matter more, such as her coming over to the house "too much" and without being invited or announced: defer to your husband and have him set the boundaries. But I recommend that you be generous, as generous as you reasonably can. Unless she's truly a witch (not just that her personality rubs you the wrong way), you'll benefit from good multi-generational, cross spousal family relations. More importantly, so will your kids.
How To Be A Doormat 101.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:17
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
So you won't have any problem if, in a few years, you and your husband want to go away for the weekend, or do something and you need someone to take care of your child?
Count your blessings.
Count your blessings.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:16
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
I would not be able to handle having my MIL come over every day. No way. I think you need to start standing up for yourselves. DH should start with a conversation (where is he on all this?). Set some boundaries: She needs to call before she comes over and see if it's a good time, she needs to expect to see you about as often as she did before the baby was born. Set regular times to see her (once a week?), so she knows when she'll see you next. If she comes over without calling when it's just you in the house, you can come to the door and say, "Now's not a good time. See you ____."
I would also throw in some, "Well, I'm glad that worked for you, but we're doing x," "We're following what our pediatrician recommends these days," "Don't worry, I'll ask for your advice if I need it!"
Someone who comes over multiple times a day and offers unsolicited advice regularly I see as rude and intrusive. This isn't nice or kind behavior, and you need to set some boundaries with anyone who thinks she can run roughshod over your life like that.
I would also throw in some, "Well, I'm glad that worked for you, but we're doing x," "We're following what our pediatrician recommends these days," "Don't worry, I'll ask for your advice if I need it!"
Someone who comes over multiple times a day and offers unsolicited advice regularly I see as rude and intrusive. This isn't nice or kind behavior, and you need to set some boundaries with anyone who thinks she can run roughshod over your life like that.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:12
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
Anonymous wrote:Regarding the frequent visits: use it! Schedule a special time once or twice a week for just her and your LO. Take that time for yourself; nap, go get a mani/pedi, go have a quiet lunch out, do laundry, etc.
Turn lemons into lemonade. There's only so much you can do.
This! Don't put a stop to her calling him her baby. He is her baby grandson. Let her be excited and an active part of his life. Everyone is excited for the first baby. Her excitment doesn't take away the fact that you are his mother.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:12
Subject: Re:MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think.
She's excited (thumbs up)
You don't like her (thums down)
Therefore, her excited behavior is annoying (thums down)
I suggest you do what you can to ignore the things that don't matter (e.g., her choice of words for "her baby").
Also, acknowledge and consider her unsolicited advice, even if it's administered poorly (sort of like my post is doing now
The big stuff that does (somewhat) matter more, such as her coming over to the house "too much" and without being invited or announced: defer to your husband and have him set the boundaries. But I recommend that you be generous, as generous as you reasonably can. Unless she's truly a witch (not just that her personality rubs you the wrong way), you'll benefit from good multi-generational, cross spousal family relations. More importantly, so will your kids.
+1. Said with wisdom and compassion.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:07
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
I agree with letting your DH handle it. We also have the rule that I don't confront his family about anything, he doesn't confront mine. We leave it to one another to take care of. I would not dream of actually telling my MIL or FIL directly about things they did to annoy me. I would let my husband know that he needed to take care of it.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:06
Subject: Re:MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
Here's what I think.
She's excited (thumbs up)
You don't like her (thums down)
Therefore, her excited behavior is annoying (thums down)
I suggest you do what you can to ignore the things that don't matter (e.g., her choice of words for "her baby").
Also, acknowledge and consider her unsolicited advice, even if it's administered poorly (sort of like my post is doing now) ~~ once you've been in the mommy business long enough, maybe by child #2, you'll probably have a bit more empathy for the urge to offer unsolicited advice or, rather, share your experiences and acquired wisdom.
The big stuff that does (somewhat) matter more, such as her coming over to the house "too much" and without being invited or announced: defer to your husband and have him set the boundaries. But I recommend that you be generous, as generous as you reasonably can. Unless she's truly a witch (not just that her personality rubs you the wrong way), you'll benefit from good multi-generational, cross spousal family relations. More importantly, so will your kids.
She's excited (thumbs up)
You don't like her (thums down)
Therefore, her excited behavior is annoying (thums down)
I suggest you do what you can to ignore the things that don't matter (e.g., her choice of words for "her baby").
Also, acknowledge and consider her unsolicited advice, even if it's administered poorly (sort of like my post is doing now
) ~~ once you've been in the mommy business long enough, maybe by child #2, you'll probably have a bit more empathy for the urge to offer unsolicited advice or, rather, share your experiences and acquired wisdom.
The big stuff that does (somewhat) matter more, such as her coming over to the house "too much" and without being invited or announced: defer to your husband and have him set the boundaries. But I recommend that you be generous, as generous as you reasonably can. Unless she's truly a witch (not just that her personality rubs you the wrong way), you'll benefit from good multi-generational, cross spousal family relations. More importantly, so will your kids.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 13:03
Subject: Re:MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
I bet if MIL was NOT coming over all the time, NOT giving endless unsolicited advice, etc., but she referred to your DS as "her baby" it wouldn't phase you, so make sure that when communicating with her, the focus is on the stuff that is the real problem.
Also, this communication I'm suggested needs to come from your DH. It's his mom, and he needs to have a conversation with just the two of them where he makes it very clear that she needs to back off.
Coming over every day is absurd. DH should say, "we'd love for you to come over on ___. [This time] is best for baby's schedule. If she keeps pushing for more, DH just has to keep gently but firmly repeating that those are the days/times that work. This is on him.
Good luck! Hopefully she'll calm down.
Also, this communication I'm suggested needs to come from your DH. It's his mom, and he needs to have a conversation with just the two of them where he makes it very clear that she needs to back off.
Coming over every day is absurd. DH should say, "we'd love for you to come over on ___. [This time] is best for baby's schedule. If she keeps pushing for more, DH just has to keep gently but firmly repeating that those are the days/times that work. This is on him.
Good luck! Hopefully she'll calm down.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 12:59
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
Regarding the frequent visits: use it! Schedule a special time once or twice a week for just her and your LO. Take that time for yourself; nap, go get a mani/pedi, go have a quiet lunch out, do laundry, etc.
Turn lemons into lemonade. There's only so much you can do.
Turn lemons into lemonade. There's only so much you can do.
Anonymous
12/07/2012 12:54
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
haha -- do we have the same MIL? i totally get you. once my MIL was giving us some "helpful" advice and i told her, "this is MY baby and i'll do what i want." i defintely got the "if looks could kill" look. it didn't stop anything, but i think it irritated her, which was good enough for me. maybe add a "you had your turn to mother, now it's my turn."
good luck!
good luck!
Anonymous
12/07/2012 12:48
Subject: MIL refers to my son as "her baby," won't leave us alone
Ever since my son was born, my MIL is obsessed with the baby (1st grandchild). It's bad enough my in-laws live 5 minutes from us, but she wants to be over here every single day, multiple times a day, and makes excuses to come by. She is constantly offering up unsolicited parenting advice, which I get is part and parcel of being a grandparent, but my polite "thanks, we'll consider x" responses are only met with follow-up phone calls and conversations over the coming days so she can ensure we're doing as she told us, and major guilt trips if we're not.
Lately she's been referring to my son as "her" baby, e.g. "How's my baby doing?", or, when out and about "Isn't my baby sweet?" to perfect strangers. I know she's just excited, but is there a tactful way I can put a stop to this? Sometimes I just want to scream "he's MY baby you overbearing hag!" I know this may be a minor thing to some, but it's really starting to bother me...probably since we don't exactly have the greatest relationship to begin with. Help?!
Lately she's been referring to my son as "her" baby, e.g. "How's my baby doing?", or, when out and about "Isn't my baby sweet?" to perfect strangers. I know she's just excited, but is there a tactful way I can put a stop to this? Sometimes I just want to scream "he's MY baby you overbearing hag!" I know this may be a minor thing to some, but it's really starting to bother me...probably since we don't exactly have the greatest relationship to begin with. Help?!