OP here. I get that it's FIL's hardship. He has his own side business and will remain busy with that. So it's not as if he didn't have a safety net. But yes, I understand that being laid off (sorry about the layer off earlier) is an emotional and often financial hardship (in this case, FIL will be able to devote 100% of his time to his business so no significant loss of income).

My anger is that FIL asked DH to lie to me. And he knows that DH would never do something against their wishes. So no, PP, DH would never have told me.

A few years ago, I quit my job before going back to school. Knowing his parents, I asked DH to not tell them until we could tell them together. He told his parents anyways, without me. That really made me mad. To me, this is just an extension of the fact that his relationship with his parents comes before his with me. And his parents encourage that behavior.

I guess to me, it's not that I should have been told the truth. Its FIL's business to say what he wants to whomever. It's that they shouldn't cause a riff between me and DH by asking DH to lie to me.

Anonymous wrote:It's not about you. It's HIS personal crisis.

Your job is to be supportive, not offended that they didn't share it with you. They are ashamed, and shame is a powerful emotion.

This is really sound advice. From what you wrote, it looks like there is distance between you and your inlaws, and that may be something you want to work on (or not). But don't make their crisis worse by making it about you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm more annoyed and your continuous (and inaccurate) use of "layed".

NP here: did you mean to write "I'm more annoyed at . . . " instead of "I'm more annoyed and . . . "?

I'm more annoyed and your continuous (and inaccurate) use of "layed".

It's not about you. It's HIS personal crisis.

Your job is to be supportive, not offended that they didn't share it with you. They are ashamed, and shame is a powerful emotion.

Id be annoyed at FIL for lying, and would probably mention to DH that this is just another example of keeping odd secrets from you -- and then drop it.

But in the end, it's just sad. You won't get them to change by saying anything to MIL or FIL, so it isn't even worth the effort.

Anonymous wrote:If your father in law sent you an email with a lie in it, the lie is on him, not your DH. Your DH didn't get a chance to tell you anything.

This is about your FIL, his insecurities, and his need for a facade. He is kind of pathetic, isn't he? It's not about you. I would take the high road and feel sorry for him.

+1

At the same time, based on how pissed off you are about this without really being understanding of how THEY, the actual laid off party, feel... I understand why they didn't want to tell you.

You sound judgy and a bit self-centered, really.

If your father in law sent you an email with a lie in it, the lie is on him, not your DH. Your DH didn't get a chance to tell you anything.

This is about your FIL, his insecurities, and his need for a facade. He is kind of pathetic, isn't he? It's not about you. I would take the high road and feel sorry for him.

It seems silly not to tell you. You are family.

Anonymous wrote:I would be annoyed, too, OP. I think the person I would be most annoyed with is DH. Plenty of people has friction with their in-laws, but you didn't marry them, you married DH. DH is supposed to have open communication with you. Do you think your DH would have told you, and just handed had a chance to yet (your post makes it sound like this all happened in the space of one day) or do you think he would have kept this information from you? It's fine if in-laws don't feel like discussing details with you, but to insist that you not be told the fact of FIL's layoff seems unreasonable to me.

^^^^ Agree with all this. ^^^^^

I would be annoyed, too, OP. I think the person I would be most annoyed with is DH. Plenty of people has friction with their in-laws, but you didn't marry them, you married DH. DH is supposed to have open communication with you. Do you think your DH would have told you, and just handed had a chance to yet (your post makes it sound like this all happened in the space of one day) or do you think he would have kept this information from you? It's fine if in-laws don't feel like discussing details with you, but to insist that you not be told the fact of FIL's layoff seems unreasonable to me.

Are you highly successful/career-oriented/otherwise judge-y/prone to saying awkward things about money or jobs that might rub others the wrong way? If so, I can see why they might want to fib a little. If not, totally crappy thing to do.

I"d be more pissed at DH than at FIL. I can see why FIL would want to save face. My DH would probably have told him ok, then asked me to pretend...so DH and I would then essentially be complicit.

I can see why you're a bit peeved.

my FIL sends an email the other day saying he's retiring from his job and that he was pursuing other things. I was surprised (he's not the type to sit around at home) but called him later that day to congratulate him. He was caught off guard and asked me why I was congratulating him. I said well for your retirement! We talked a bit and then I talked to MIL to congratulate her too.

Later I was using DH's ipad and he must not have logged out of his email account. I saw an email from FIL to him saying that DH shouldn't tell me FIL got layed off because it "didn't sound good." normally, I'm fine with people trying to save face/pride but this really rubbed me the wrong way. Not only did it make me feel like an idiot for calling him to say congrats but they actively asked DH to lie to me. They know DH and I have a rocky marriage and I often don't feel part of his family. BIL got layed off a few years ago and again, I was purposely left out of the loop.

I know at least one of my SIL's knows FIL got layed off. So its not like they are just telling their sons and not the DILs.

I don't know. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get. Don't tell me you treat me like a daughter but then ask my husband to lie to me.

Am I over reacting? in the end, it doesn't really matter if he got layed off or retired. But I think its shitty to lie to me. Thoughts