I agree with 9:57. (I'm 18:10.)

Also another problem is children feel guilty if they don't like the person their parent is dating. My child did.

I do think what OP has described demands her involvement, even if she's just telegraphing that the children have mentioned things. I wonder if her ex knows half of what his girlfriend is telling the children. It's really meddlesome for her to be asking about their relationship with their mother and also their childhood.

Good luck OP!

How about this. Tell their dad that the kids have been mentioning some things to you that you believe they should be discussing with him directly. They feel shy about bringing it up to him and want you to talk to him about it. You can say you don't feel it's your place to bring it up to him. Could he take the initiative to talk to the kids about any concerns they're having. I wouldn't even tell him what the topic is. This way you stay uninvolved.

This is the problem when divorced parents date.. Their own children feel like they can't talk to their own parent because they are picking up from the dating parent that they are not the number one priority.

OP, I appreciate that you love your kids and want to help them, but you shouldn't talk to their father about this. They are old enough to do this on their own. They're actually more than old enough. A 17 year old is nearly out of high school and really needs to be able to advocate for him or herself. It's a very important skill and the best thing you can do is teach your children how to stand up for themselves. There's nothing wrong with saying I'd really like some time alone and I'm not comfortable with talking to you about my mom. This woman needs to learn boundaries.

When I was 17 I wanted my dads new girlfriend to butt out of my life. She was pushy, wanted to put all of these rules in place I had never had before, and would talk shit on my mom in a passive aggressive way. She drove a serious wedge between in my relationship with my dad until he and I had a heart to heart.

Okay that she has a teenage son makes her behavior even odder. Yes encourage them to talk to their dad but also maybe let him know that you've encouraged them to do as much, so he knows they've been talking to you. Good luck with it.

Op here. Thanks for all of the advice! I will encourage them more to talk to their father about this.

Those asking if she has kids, she has a son who is 19 but he lives up in PA.

^ I meant "tell you they love you."

If she is truly asking them about their problems and issues with you I'd be angry, quite frankly.

You are very secure to not be threatened and generous toward this woman. That's admirable.

If I were you I'd tell the kids that they need to be civil and nice to her, but if they want privacy, they're 1 and 4 years away from being adults so they can try doing what a grown up would do: say "it's been nice talking with you, I'm going to do..." or something to that effect. It's possible they do like her but feel off about her manner and feel as if it threatens you, and they're doing what they can to tell her they love her. Kind of like how everyone complains about their MIL to their own mom, even if they like the MIL.

The last thing a 14 and 17 yo with a good mom need is a stepmom to be a "mom." They just need stepmom to be nice and fairly cool and engaged. But they don't need a mom - maybe she doesn't get that. I assume she has no kids?

OP,

I'm divorced and have a teen. This is a tough one. I'd be tempted to say something to your ex since she is talking to them about things they should be hearing from him (about their future) and she's prying into their past. It actually sounds bizarra. I don't think she's showing any insight about boundaries and teens. She sounds clueless and frankly desperate. My son is so grateful his dad ended up with a woman who has her own life and doesn't interfere and try to be his friend -- or psychologist.

"My kids think their Dad's new girlfriend tries to be too involved in their lives," says the mother who is seeking advice on how to involve herself in disagreements between teenagers (one of whom is almost a legal adult)and her ex husband.

Oy.

I agree that it's a great teaching opportunity about boundaries. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with their asking for some privacy or for certain topics to be off limits. That doesn't mean they don't like her or don't respect her.

I do feel a bit bad for her. She's trying awfully hard. My guess is she has no kids of her own, and has no clue, right? I was like that (currently a step-mom). There are some great books out there on being a step-mom and fostering that relationship. I know she isn't one (yet?), but since they are all apparently spending time together, something like that could help. I wonder if she'd ever have some interest in that.

I really think given your kids are 14 and 17 you should encourage them to self-advocate. Give them ideas of how to respond to her and how to talk to their dad. They need these skills in life. especially in a dad-new gf situation you can't be jumping in to save the day. That would be overstepping boundaries given the issue is a safe one. Teach your kids to respectfully speak up for themselves and to be able to say "that is something I'd rather not talk about". They need to be able to establish boundaries for themselves and to be able to be safe and confident those boundaries.

It's not your place and I think it will cause problems. Maybe you and your kids could discuss how they can talk to their dad about this. Do some role playing, etc. They are old enough to discuss this with him and he will take it much better coming from them.

Aw man. Bless her heart. Really, I don't see how you can bring this up to your ex husband. She's not doing anything "wrong," you know? She's trying. I really think the best way to approach this is to handle it on the kids' end. Just help them see she's not trying to be annoying, and ask them to kind of grin and bear it. Or, see if you all can come up with a way to gently tell her, "Margaret, we really like you and enjoy spending time with you and our dad, but we already have a mom." Not like that! Nicer! But she's just trying to be good to them and you can't fault her for that.

About 2 months ago my ex introduced our kids to his new girlfriend. She's actually an old friend that we both knew in high school, from what I remember she was an ok person back then. Well anyways, my kids do not like her. In the beginning they LOVED her but now they said that she is too pushy and "suffocating" (their words, not mine). They say that whenever they are over there she comes in their room and wants to talk about everything when they just want her to leave them alone. I know, not a major offense on her part. But they also say that she's been trying to get them to open up about any "problems" they have in our relationship(the relationship i have with them) and asking about their childhood and such. She has also talked to them about getting married to their dad and moving in and such. Mind you, they haven't even been dating 6 months and he has not brought this stuff up with them. Other than that, the only problem they have is she is too involved. Again not a major offense but the kids are 14 and 17. She has all these plans for them to come over her house to cook with her, do crafts, visit her family, etc and they think it's very strange. They barely know this woman.

I see what she is trying to do. She is trying to be involved and take on that stepmom role. I can't fault her for trying. It's great that she wants to be there for my kids but what is important is what THEY want. Like I said, they are 14 and 17. I have always been involved in their life and they stay with me most of the time. It's not like they need the mom role filled. She is just being a little too pushy and I guess suffocating as they put it. I don't want my kids to be uncomfortable but I don't know what to do either.


I told them to bring it up with their father but neither wants to do that. It's "awkward" so they want me to talk to him. I have no clue what I can say. I certainly don't want to intrude on his relationship with her or how he runs things at his house but where do I draw the line?

Advice please!!

*I'm not sure if this will make a difference but this isn't the 1st relationship he's had since we've been divorced. He dated another woman for 7 years but she wasn't involved like this. She was kind to my kids and they went on vacations together but she never really tried to be a step mom. The whole time they dated, they never even once lived together.