Anonymous wrote:Hello! Seeking advice from others to fortify myself for this week ahead. I am the mom of a 3 and 5 year old, and have to tell the kids about divorce next week. So I've had my settlement agreement executed, custody agreement executed, divorce will be final in a month or two, and next week I am "moving out" into apartment although I am still going to be birds-nesting with DH. Things are pretty amicable, or as good as they can be. What shoudl I expect to go through in the next month to prepare myself emotionally and financially? I am seeing a therapist, and trying to just information-gather to help myself heal and go through this process head-on addressing the pain, hurt, etc., and learn lessons from the failure of my marriage to enter a healthy single-dom.

Ironically, I feel REALLY good about the divorce over-all and a sense of relief and FREEDOM. My DH was abusive/alcoholic and I feel like I am just on the cusp of getting myself back to the "me" of 10 yaers ago before I linked up with this man. He is a good father, just takes out his dark side on me his spouse, but is otherwise charming.

Is my sense of relief/optimism about the divorce a fecad/blockage of emotional pain, or is it possible to truly feel happy/relieved about a divorc? I feel like I should be feeling more shitty- and people say it takes 2-3 years ot recover -so am I indenial of the pain - or have others been truly happy/liberated to be free of someone who brought them down for so long?

What should I do to prepare myself for the next week- the ups and downs- general advice?

Sorry if this question is so broad in scope - but just wanted pointers!

I feel like I will do cart-wheels when I'm fully extricated.........

I was 11 when my parents divorced. My mom was abusive and an alcoholic. I believe that because she could no longer control my father, she turned her controlling and abusive behavior towards me and my sibling. Please keep an eye out for any potentially damaging shifts to your family dynamic.

My parents divorced when I was 5 so it was always normal to have parents who weren't together. It will be their normal life from here on out. The only thing I would be concerned about is the alcoholism. My dad was a functioning alcoholic and looking back, I am sure my mother was a nervous wreck every time my dad took us for a weekend visit. Do you know that he doesn't drink when he is with the kids? That would be my only concern. I know my mother felt tremendous relief when she moved us out of the house b/c of his drinking.

OP, I think it's healthy and great that you are in a good place and feeling free...it's not the man you may grieve, but the "dream" you had of building a life with someone, etc. You may idealize what it is like to be "happily married" even if that wasn't meant to be with your spouse. The first party I went to after my husband and I were facing the reality of how bad things were and deciding to separate, I found myself envying every woman there and just assuming they were in totally awesome, fulfilling marriages. Of course that is not the case! Marriage is tough, and though some people have great marriages, it is still work and it's not a fantasy. It's a reality. And it is not the key to happiness. You can be happily married, unhappily married, and same with being single.

I think it's great that you are in therapy. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Try to meet some single mom friends. It sounds like you have a solid coparent in your ex, so use the shared custody/time to yourself to try a new hobby, meet people, etc.

OP,

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. As 9:55, one of the hardest parts of divorce is watching how it impacts the children, their upset can trigger the grief and/or guilt and/or anxiety. Or so I found. It is impossible to predict how they will deal with the news and their sense of the situation, every child is different, just watch for a range of reactions in them and your response to that and how it plays out in your co-parenting relationship. I admire you for being able to bird-nest.

"Sometimes with an alcohol8ic yolu already go through grieving process just to get to point where you are ok enough with leaving them."

This was me, although the issues weren't just alcoholism. For me, so far more than a year later, I've been mostly happy and relieved, though at times sad about the loss. The much harder part is watching the difficulty that the kids are going through dealing with it, though I know the decision is the best thing for them in the end.

You sound like you are in a good place OP, which is great. The only advise I can give you is regarding taking care of yourself and addressing any emotions you experience immediately. Whether you feel happy or sad, excited, overwhelmed...make sure you are aware of what is causing these emotions. Also, am not sure what your custody situation is, but being a single mom is difficult, exhausting and really hard to handle if you are not 100% ready for it. It will be a transition for you and the kids. Adjusting takes time, but if you are happy and healthy, so will the kids.

Good luck OP. You sound read for this new phase in your life.

Sometimes with an alcohol8ic yolu already go through grieving process just to get to point where you are ok enough with leaving them. Good luck to you OP you deserve happiness. Alcoholism is a horrible disease that affects the entire family.

Wow sorry you are going through this, but honestly it sounds Like you are going to be better off.
I know a few people who were so much more happy after their divorce so it's not unheard of. They did go through a phase of sadness after a month or so about the relationship not working out they way the planned but overall it was a good decision

Hello! Seeking advice from others to fortify myself for this week ahead. I am the mom of a 3 and 5 year old, and have to tell the kids about divorce next week. So I've had my settlement agreement executed, custody agreement executed, divorce will be final in a month or two, and next week I am "moving out" into apartment although I am still going to be birds-nesting with DH. Things are pretty amicable, or as good as they can be. What shoudl I expect to go through in the next month to prepare myself emotionally and financially? I am seeing a therapist, and trying to just information-gather to help myself heal and go through this process head-on addressing the pain, hurt, etc., and learn lessons from the failure of my marriage to enter a healthy single-dom.

Ironically, I feel REALLY good about the divorce over-all and a sense of relief and FREEDOM. My DH was abusive/alcoholic and I feel like I am just on the cusp of getting myself back to the "me" of 10 yaers ago before I linked up with this man. He is a good father, just takes out his dark side on me his spouse, but is otherwise charming.

Is my sense of relief/optimism about the divorce a fecad/blockage of emotional pain, or is it possible to truly feel happy/relieved about a divorc? I feel like I should be feeling more shitty- and people say it takes 2-3 years ot recover -so am I indenial of the pain - or have others been truly happy/liberated to be free of someone who brought them down for so long?

What should I do to prepare myself for the next week- the ups and downs- general advice?

Sorry if this question is so broad in scope - but just wanted pointers!

I feel like I will do cart-wheels when I'm fully extricated.........