Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you very much; this is helpful. For what it's worth, I'm not a tiger mom and I'm not all that Type A myself. DD has accomplished these things on her own, not because we have pushed her. I was just startled to hear such a stark statement from her, which is why I solicited feedback.

I'll talk to DH about backing off from this.

Thank you again.

I played piano from age 7-17. I was enrolled in competitions and did moderately well. However, my mother pushed me and pushed me to practice, to learn, to compete. And I did not enjoy it. I thought that I didn't enjoy playing the piano or music. When I was 17, my mother finally relented and said that she was tired of pushing me and if I didn't want to play, I didn't have to. I quit that week. I then went over 15 years without playing music again (but I did sing in that time). I thought I didn't enjoy playing music. In my 30's I finally had access to a piano again and picked it up and you know what? I did enjoy it. I love music and love playing music, being able to read music, etc. But I don't enjoy competing or having to play or practicing. That's work. Music is fun and I love it. Don't kill your child's love for music by forcing her to only do it competitively. Music by itself is a lifelong reward and she should enjoy it however she can. If she *WANTS* to compete. then she should, but she should not compete just because her parents expect it of her.

This sounds exactly like my daughter, 11. Just switch the instrument!

Although I agree that you may need to back off a bit on the instrument per se, I suspect that you might think there's more to it. I know I do with my daughter. Everything has been so easy for her: academics, friends, instruments, sports. That's great, and I am happy that she is well-rounded, content, and learning every day.

BUT I do want her to learn the value of working hard to reach a goal. I don't want her to have her first difficult or challenging experience occur in college. So I do think there's value in gently pushing kids like this just a little bit: not in every area, but in one or maybe two. While I realize that she will probably find her passion much later in life, I'd love to see her choose a goal that's beyond what she can do with her eyes closed, and then work to achieve it.

Does this ring a bell with you, OP?

OP here. Thank you very much; this is helpful. For what it's worth, I'm not a tiger mom and I'm not all that Type A myself. DD has accomplished these things on her own, not because we have pushed her. I was just startled to hear such a stark statement from her, which is why I solicited feedback.

I'll talk to DH about backing off from this.

Thank you again.

Agree with the pps. Also, OP, you may want to consider that your daughter is young and her interests are likely to change. She may move on to another intense interest and leave the violin behind. That's not a bad thing.

Anonymous wrote:
Like all parents, we want her to succeed, and we know that intelligence alone is meaningless. She needs to want to succeed.

She sounds very successful to me. Many people need some down time. I start to fall apart if I don't get mine. If she's working very hard to get high grades and to be good at violin, then she might need a bit of rest (i.e. laying around reading). Push too hard and it might backfire.

Now, if there's something else going on like a fear of failure, that's different. But nothing you have written indicates that to me.

Sounds like she's giving you warning she's approaching burnout. She sounds like the kind of kid whose self-assessment should be respected, so I'd let her make the decision rather than have schoolwork suffer.

She lies around reading? Why do you think this is a problem?

I'm with everyone else. She's not into it. So why should she do it?

Have to chime in in agreement with the above posters, OP. It sounds like your daughter is very well-rounded and knows herself well. Give her the wiggle room to drift away from some things.

It sounds to me you have a model child I would be very pleased with.

Anonymous wrote:You have a great kid who knows what she wants better than you do.

+1 What we want for them isn't always what they want for themselves and as they get older and more mature we need to let them make more decisions like the one you describe.

Another vote to lighten up.

You have a great kid who knows what she wants better than you do.

Ditto 08:43. Don't kill your kid's enjoyment, please.

I would say you have a smart kid that already understands that she is at her limit between school and other activiites with leaving a bit of time to be a kid.

Our middle school child is multi-talented and has attended (test-in) school and middle school magnets. She tests well and gets high grades (mostly As and the occasional B). She is also a reasonably competent athlete and an overall nice person, although she can be a bit lazy (loves to lay on the couch and read; needs to be pushed to help around the house).

A few years ago she took up the violin and has done very well - she is diligent about practicing and both her (private) teacher and the middle school instrumental music teacher have commented (without being asked) that she has talent.

Last night we were talking about the auditions for the (state-wide) honors orchestra and she was ~meh~ about it. When we pressed her for reason for not wanting to audition, she said "I don't want to work that hard."

I was kind of gobsmacked by this comment and didn't even know what to say. I did tell her that in our family we expect that we all work hard, that achievement is its own reward, and that she might want to think about what she means when she says that.

Like all parents, we want her to succeed, and we know that intelligence alone is meaningless. She needs to want to succeed.

How would you react to such a statement?