I disagree that fifty-fifty custody should be the norm. I believe younger children benefit from having one place that is "home" - like home base. That in no way stops the noncustodial parent from keeping a relationship. But it does prevent confusion and reduces conflict situations. Here, the person says her ex works 70 hours a week, why would he need to have his child sit at home with a nanny. Seems selfish.

you know what such is life.

I get this - Dad doesnt want to pay for mom to live (wrong way to look at child support but common)

Mom thinks dad is being selfish and only cares about his bottom dollar.

Mom thinks dad is a co-dependent (may or may not be the case but MOST people think there ex is less fit then them to keep the kids hence all the custody battles)

Im sure Dad would have winning things to say about mom also


but at the end of the day none of that matters what matters is this -

Children deserve a relationship with both parents. If parents can/ are able to live in the same school district or close enough it is possible both should have a right to 50 percent of custody.

The kids and dad will figure it out. It may not be the relationship or the kids may not be raised how mom would do it but they will work it out 90 percent of the time.

does my ex parent how I want him too... hell no but he has as much right as me to parent how he likes.

as long as the kids are safe, loved, and thriving at the end of the day WHO CARES.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only agree to lower child support if he gave up time. It will benefit your kids because they won't have to go back and forth as much. The disruption in their lives is not worth the extra money, and it's not like he won't be in their lives, just not an exhausting (for the kids) back and forth. They will do better in school, sports, etc.

these opinions may be true for some kids and families but it is not a fact of how it will be .

My child does very well in school, is well adjusted,participates in multiple activities, and has been unaffected by the back and forth. If anything i things hes better off for it. since both parents get breaks neither gets burnt out.

its not exhausting he has his own space at both homes, his own toys, bed, clothes, etc. I dont see why its harder to go one place then another.

I see your point, but I thought the context here was a very negative/high conflict (did she write there were mental instability issues or am I thinking of another post) ex-spouse. In a case where people get along well that's fine, but for high conflict and where one is plainly scheming to "get more overnights" in order to reduce child support - it might be best for the children to know that they have a home, with a stay at home mom, who goes over the homework, and the like. Imagine trying to coordinate school projects with someone who is an a--?

Anonymous wrote:I would only agree to lower child support if he gave up time. It will benefit your kids because they won't have to go back and forth as much. The disruption in their lives is not worth the extra money, and it's not like he won't be in their lives, just not an exhausting (for the kids) back and forth. They will do better in school, sports, etc.

these opinions may be true for some kids and families but it is not a fact of how it will be .

My child does very well in school, is well adjusted,participates in multiple activities, and has been unaffected by the back and forth. If anything i things hes better off for it. since both parents get breaks neither gets burnt out.

its not exhausting he has his own space at both homes, his own toys, bed, clothes, etc. I dont see why its harder to go one place then another.

I would only agree to lower child support if he gave up time. It will benefit your kids because they won't have to go back and forth as much. The disruption in their lives is not worth the extra money, and it's not like he won't be in their lives, just not an exhausting (for the kids) back and forth. They will do better in school, sports, etc.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I wish co-parenting well was possible, but he is a raging co-dependent/ Borderline. I should have stated that I am trying to find a schedule that puts the kids first and works well for their lives/ school/ stress/ activities/ friends. I've put forth 3-4 iterations and while none are perfect, some are better than others, and he's red-lined all of them. He is focused on staying at or above 140 nts per year, so obviously manipulating child support is his primary goal.

I don't think there's a schedule out there I haven't mulled over trying to find one that meets everyone's needs. It's frustrating to me that I'm willing to make concessions that benefit the kids and reduce my time with them, and he only focuses on how many overnights he gets and what that costs him each month. No matter that he works 70 hrs /wk and I WAHM, better they sit in his empty house with a sitter than stay with me until he can come get them himself.

UGH... I know it's not ever easy, but this seems incredibly hard to strike a balance that doesn't sell out the kids.

If you know that's his big concern and it's not as important to you, maybe you could agree to a lower child support amount regardless of the schedule.

how about you get 8 days he gets 6

and you get the option to provide before and after care for the children.

Or request first right of refusal.

I prefer our schedule of I have every Monday etc so I can sign him up for activities and coordinate less with dad. since I have him every Monday and not every other or 3 out of 4 etc...

okay heres another (im trying to get 140)
what about 3 weekends a month he picks up friday and drops to school on monday- 117 a year
then 3 weeks of summer-21
then half of christmas break so 4 or 5

which hits the one 140 and he could still have a few more depending how split holidays.

I dont think thats so bad it gives you consistent days and you can be there to support them during the school week and still have a weekend to get away now and then with them.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I wish co-parenting well was possible, but he is a raging co-dependent/ Borderline. I should have stated that I am trying to find a schedule that puts the kids first and works well for their lives/ school/ stress/ activities/ friends. I've put forth 3-4 iterations and while none are perfect, some are better than others, and he's red-lined all of them. He is focused on staying at or above 140 nts per year, so obviously manipulating child support is his primary goal.

I don't think there's a schedule out there I haven't mulled over trying to find one that meets everyone's needs. It's frustrating to me that I'm willing to make concessions that benefit the kids and reduce my time with them, and he only focuses on how many overnights he gets and what that costs him each month. No matter that he works 70 hrs /wk and I WAHM, better they sit in his empty house with a sitter than stay with me until he can come get them himself.

UGH... I know it's not ever easy, but this seems incredibly hard to strike a balance that doesn't sell out the kids.

Can he put forward a schedule and you work from that as a starting point so he feels some sense of ownership?

In high conflict situation my friend's kids go every weekend to father and extended weeks in summer.

do you live in the same school district or do your kids go to private?

Have you asked him what schedule he is thinking about?

how old are kids?

OP here.. I wish co-parenting well was possible, but he is a raging co-dependent/ Borderline. I should have stated that I am trying to find a schedule that puts the kids first and works well for their lives/ school/ stress/ activities/ friends. I've put forth 3-4 iterations and while none are perfect, some are better than others, and he's red-lined all of them. He is focused on staying at or above 140 nts per year, so obviously manipulating child support is his primary goal.

I don't think there's a schedule out there I haven't mulled over trying to find one that meets everyone's needs. It's frustrating to me that I'm willing to make concessions that benefit the kids and reduce my time with them, and he only focuses on how many overnights he gets and what that costs him each month. No matter that he works 70 hrs /wk and I WAHM, better they sit in his empty house with a sitter than stay with me until he can come get them himself.

UGH... I know it's not ever easy, but this seems incredibly hard to strike a balance that doesn't sell out the kids.

depending if you can coparent together easily and depending on if you live close enough here is what we do -

M-M
T-M
W-D
TH-M
FM-M
S-D
S-D

on paper this is what we have... .

quite often we flip flop friday and sunday night.

I always pick him up since I work from home.

I take him to activities and drs appointments unless Im busy then Dad takes time from work.

It depends I work from home but have crazy times and he stays with dad more.

When dads work/home load gets busy he stays with me more.

hes with me more like 70 percent but its 60/40 on paper.

weve done it for a couple years and it works for us.

how old are the kids ?


what is your relationship with there dad? can you coparent ?

we have a 60/40 that we like but we are both pretty flexible.

I work from home he works about 50 hours a week some more

I cannot relate to your situation as I have full custody and thus my child is with me 100% of the time. Although my friend has a 50/50 split with her ex. One week with her, one with him. The kids are 6 and 4.

We are trying to find a good solution that puts the kids first, and keeps us pretty close to 60/40. It's hard to balance when one of us works from home and the other works 70+ hr work weeks.