Op here. He contacted me to apologize. He's not married and he didn't know that I was married.

I was reading an article with Jill Scott and she talked about being "dickmatized". She said it's when the sex is so amazing that you are outside in the daytime with a flashlight looking for that man. That's ex for me.

I have puts lots of effort into improving that aspect of my marriage, but it hasn't worked. I've tried talking,being specific, buying books, etc. He's just the type that wants to just lay there. He'll participate if I start it off- but I have to put in most of the work. He's not interested in any toys or anything as that is a turn off to him. It hasn't been important because I love my husband. And I know he loves me. He makes me feel so loved all of the time...but not necessarily "wanted" in a sexual way.

I love him so much that I have actually been crying
about this because I feel guilty. How can I look
him in the face knowing that I've had such terrible thoughts?

I feel like I should apologize to him and ask for forgiveness. I didn't "do" anything, but in my mind I did. I should have known better than to even respond. I feel terrible.

OP, I'm going to ask you a question. If your husband isn't interested in sex, is he not interested in being a lover. Sex is only part of being a lover. He may be a great guy and a great friend but not a good husband in the sexual and lover sense. You owe it to yourself to sort this out. Is husband interested in improving the sex. If not, then you need to think about what you want. Miserable sex is oftena sign of much more.

Save this thread and don't look at it for a few days. Then take another look at what you wrote. Hopefully those few days will help you develop enough perspective to realize you sound like an immature teenager with a crush on one boy while sort of committed to another. If you have a "blech" reaction to what you wrote, that's actually going to be a sign of good mental health because yours is a pretty embarrassing post.

OP, why do you think he contacted you? And remember, if a couple has a working penis and vagina, the sex can always get better.

Anonymous wrote:Here is your reality check from a single mom who gets zero sex and zero husband:

I'LL TAKE A GOOD HUSBAND WHO LOVES ME over any ex who was the "best lay ever." There is a reason he is an ex. Leave it alone!!!!

+1!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, no matter what you do, it'll be wrong.

Some of these posters need to wake the fuck up. You a remembering a September from like 15 or 20 years ago, and the person you were banging at the time. Has anyone heard the "living in the past" phrase??? You said it yourself, OP...you are in lala land.

OP, if your husband doesn't find out, it won't hurt him. Just be discreet! and be smart about it.

I feel your pain OP. I am married to the best guy and our life is really good but our sex life is meh. I just remind myself sex is one teeny tiny piece not worth giving all the good stuff up for. I imagine what I would loose and that keeps me in fantasyland. Avoid all contact.

If you put the energy you are putting into the old flame into your relationship you have with your husband you would have a better sex life.

OP, I am sympathetic. I have a partner of nearly 20 years whom I adore but this time of year I think about the two passionate loves of early life (first love and college love) since I started dating each of them in September. They are definitely exes for a reason, but I'd have a hard time not responding if they contacted me (it was hard enough for me to break the habit of contacting them, and it's been nearly 15 years for each).

My advice? Put yourself on a strict no-call no-talk plan and use him for fantasies of your own. The mind is the source of the sexy, not a dude from the past.

Oooooh, the "Pandora's Box!"

I hate to interrupt your grand movie-like tragedy here, but all you have to do is NOT COMMUNICATE with your ex. Concentrate on fixing your marriage. You admit that you are being stupid so stop being stupid. You married your spouse and you committed to them, and cheating is only going to make your life worse.

seriously OP - a few minutes, MINUTES of good sex, are not worth destroying life as you know it. CUT OFF ALL TIES NOW AND FOREVER.

Here is your reality check from a single mom who gets zero sex and zero husband:

I'LL TAKE A GOOD HUSBAND WHO LOVES ME over any ex who was the "best lay ever." There is a reason he is an ex. Leave it alone!!!!

I opened Pandora's Box. Damn it, I know better than this. I am being dumb. My ex looked me up and contacted me. I was very put off at first, but then I decided to just catch up.

We just chatted about how things have been. Nothing unusual. But now I am like thinking way too much about him. See, this is how people get caught up, and I KNOW this, yet I am still in lalala land.

I love my husband. I would never hurt him. It doesn't help that we have a terrible sex life and ex was the best sex of my life. My husband loves me, but he is really not that interested in sex. And when we do it, it doesn't even last very long. That's probably why I am being dumb. But you know, ex never loved me like my husband does, so I need to concentrate on that. You can't get all flustered over stupid compliments. It doesn't mean anything. I need to stop talking to him, and I really need to stop daydreaming about sex with him.

Why did I even open the box? I should have hit "delete". Now I am going to go cry.