OP - This has been very helpful as I sort through the best way to handle this. My first instinct is to protect my child, but it's good to be able to take a deep breath and think from the school and other family's perspective. Thanks for helping me do this.

If, and only if, you can document 100% of what you've said, and if there was in fact injury caused, you should assemble your documentation and go to the police. You should also seriously consider withdrawing from the school. Now.

First thing is you need to gather observances/examples/etc. so you go to the school with a full picture. The schools have to tread a fine line when assigning blame and discipline. Often they can "sense" something is off but need some sort of proof or justification to begin discipline. I know I would not want my kid held at fault based one the word of one person so I do respect that. That said, when it's your own kid, you want action and you want it (and deserve it!) now!!

There is meanness. There is bullying. There is violence. They are all different and should be handled differently. In the meantime, eqip your daughter with good tools to respond. Have her encourage her friends to back her up. Have her seek out help immediately when a situation arises so the adults around her can step in right away. Often teachers, playground monitors, etc. never knew to be watching for situations that may need their intervention.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be very careful about accepting this as "bullying". This has become the go-to word for kids to get their parents' attention, and parents to get the school's attention, and very often it is used in situations where there really isn't bullying. Girls can be mean. I don't know any girl who has emerged from the tween years without experiencing this. The school should know but that doesn't mean you should tell them what to do about it. Tell her teacher what she told you (understanding that the situation may be more complicated than you know) and then butt out and let them handle it.

My DD experienced this and eventually the other girl settled down, stopped behaving in that manner, and they become friendly. I had to teach my daughter to ignore her, which was the most important thing. Its an important skill, to learn how to walk away.

Yes, it's important to learn to walk away and yes, the other girl who bullied my daughter grew up. But my daughter has a permanent scar on her arm which was a gift from the bully and her private school did nothing. The LS school principal said 'let them work it out'. If my daughter were bullied in school today (although older), not only would I bring in the authorities, I would sue the family. NEVER AGAIN!!!

I'm PP and thats not bullying, thats assault. Of course the school should deal with this sort of thing harshly. But I think you are also misusing the word "bullying." When I wrote that most girls experience meanness I was not referring to violence. I don't know any girl that experienced that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be very careful about accepting this as "bullying". This has become the go-to word for kids to get their parents' attention, and parents to get the school's attention, and very often it is used in situations where there really isn't bullying. Girls can be mean. I don't know any girl who has emerged from the tween years without experiencing this. The school should know but that doesn't mean you should tell them what to do about it. Tell her teacher what she told you (understanding that the situation may be more complicated than you know) and then butt out and let them handle it.

My DD experienced this and eventually the other girl settled down, stopped behaving in that manner, and they become friendly. I had to teach my daughter to ignore her, which was the most important thing. Its an important skill, to learn how to walk away.

Yes, it's important to learn to walk away and yes, the other girl who bullied my daughter grew up. But my daughter has a permanent scar on her arm which was a gift from the bully and her private school did nothing. The LS school principal said 'let them work it out'. If my daughter were bullied in school today (although older), not only would I bring in the authorities, I would sue the family. NEVER AGAIN!!!

If things become physical the school needs to intervene. Period. I'm sorry that happened to your DD. I agree that people overuse the word bullying to describe things that are typical kid spats, teasing/namecalling (shortlived, not a campaign of harrassment), etc. But physical assaults should not be happening on a school campus. Not as a one-time thing, not as a pattern. That's really a shame that the school took a hands off approach with that situation.

Anonymous wrote:Be very careful about accepting this as "bullying". This has become the go-to word for kids to get their parents' attention, and parents to get the school's attention, and very often it is used in situations where there really isn't bullying. Girls can be mean. I don't know any girl who has emerged from the tween years without experiencing this. The school should know but that doesn't mean you should tell them what to do about it. Tell her teacher what she told you (understanding that the situation may be more complicated than you know) and then butt out and let them handle it.

My DD experienced this and eventually the other girl settled down, stopped behaving in that manner, and they become friendly. I had to teach my daughter to ignore her, which was the most important thing. Its an important skill, to learn how to walk away.

Yes, it's important to learn to walk away and yes, the other girl who bullied my daughter grew up. But my daughter has a permanent scar on her arm which was a gift from the bully and her private school did nothing. The LS school principal said 'let them work it out'. If my daughter were bullied in school today (although older), not only would I bring in the authorities, I would sue the family. NEVER AGAIN!!!

Be very careful about accepting this as "bullying". This has become the go-to word for kids to get their parents' attention, and parents to get the school's attention, and very often it is used in situations where there really isn't bullying. Girls can be mean. I don't know any girl who has emerged from the tween years without experiencing this. The school should know but that doesn't mean you should tell them what to do about it. Tell her teacher what she told you (understanding that the situation may be more complicated than you know) and then butt out and let them handle it.

My DD experienced this and eventually the other girl settled down, stopped behaving in that manner, and they become friendly. I had to teach my daughter to ignore her, which was the most important thing. Its an important skill, to learn how to walk away.

Parochial K-8, one grade per class: school has been all over the map. They did a really nice job of quickly addressing the issue when my DC was targeted, but we were also careful not to call it bullying or "demand" anything but to ask for help in addressing something making school very unhappy for DC. They also came up with very good ways for my DC to report things if it started up again.

They did a really terrible job of addressing the issue with an older child we know though and the perpetrator in that case had a history of being cruel (destruction of property, threats) to other kids. No clue why the responses were so different.

Small private k-8 in Alexandria--not at all. Blame the victim mentally, as in "he/she needs to toughen up."

Honestly, I of course understand why you are upset by what DD told you, but I'm not sure why you're worried about what you can "demand" from the school. Your first step should be to call the teacher and if they have one, school counselor and just tell them what your DD told you. See what they say and then go from there. Don't automatically assume that they won't handle it and won't hand it well, which it sounds like you're doing. Give them a chance and then if they don't handle it by all means go in and make demands.

DD is in a small private school with only one class per grade. She confided in me she is being bullied. I am trying to figure out how to approach the school and what is reasonable to expect them to do about it. Since there is only one class, I can't ask for the other child to be removed. And from this kid's history, this doesn't sound like a case where talking to the kid will make any difference (and parents are known to be totally unreasonable as well.)

I'd love to hear how other small schools handle bullying...and what is reasonable for parents to demand when it happens.