Anonymous wrote:But this is cultural. In my family this is how it has always been done. Growing up, six kids in my family and we always waited an hour or two to eat. It isn't rude or disrespectful. There is more to visiting than eating. Stop seeing it as bad and see it as different.

Not OP but I like this advice. Must remember that, not only when it comes to food and visiting.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Keep the experiences coming - I should have made it a poll!

Don't get me started on people who *start cooking* AFTER you get there but DEMAND (yes demand) a certain arrival time as if YOU are the one who is late (friend is the one who is always late and is counting on you being too polite to point that out). Holy crap.

I am trying to be more tolerant in regard to food, but starting to cook AFTER the guests arrive, with KIDS? AAARGH.

I do like my ILs, but I am trying to adapt to the eating part of the relationship, which is extreme opposite. With any other topic I would say change or difference is welcome!

When we host, we try to have more than enough and try to send food home with people if it is popular, but it is hard when only ONE audience (ILs) have a problem with everything. If they are picky (and this is the adults), and are accustomed to not enough food, what do you do? Deliberately starve everyone? I am curious, as this is a foreign concept to me.

One or two of the PPs may be the ILs

We are actually the WASPY ones in the family, other PP.

But this is cultural. In my family this is how it has always been done. Growing up, six kids in my family and we always waited an hour or two to eat. It isn't rude or disrespectful. There is more to visiting than eating. Stop seeing it as bad and see it as different.

....Assuming the conversation is better than the food, PP......should they not be equally as good and occur simultaneously?

In my old French family, lunch or dinner guests would come in, be introduced and greet friends, make conversation and accept a drink along with appetizers, while the meal was prepared in the kitchen (sometimes delivered by caterers, but most often cooked by family or family's cook).
Children would have juice and inevitably a taste of the adults' drinks.
The meal would be served later (an hour if the group was small, later than that for a larger group to allow for adequate mingling).
In larger groups, children had their own table but ate the same food.

The emphasis was always on the conversation rather than the food.

Now in the US, I do casual meals only and end up always inviting parents with young children, so the meal is served as soon as we finish greeting guests and making them comfortable. Then we dawdle comfortably over the remains of the meal while the children play.

OP here. Keep the experiences coming - I should have made it a poll!

Don't get me started on people who *start cooking* AFTER you get there but DEMAND (yes demand) a certain arrival time as if YOU are the one who is late (friend is the one who is always late and is counting on you being too polite to point that out). Holy crap.

I am trying to be more tolerant in regard to food, but starting to cook AFTER the guests arrive, with KIDS? AAARGH.

I do like my ILs, but I am trying to adapt to the eating part of the relationship, which is extreme opposite. With any other topic I would say change or difference is welcome!

When we host, we try to have more than enough and try to send food home with people if it is popular, but it is hard when only ONE audience (ILs) have a problem with everything. If they are picky (and this is the adults), and are accustomed to not enough food, what do you do? Deliberately starve everyone? I am curious, as this is a foreign concept to me.

One or two of the PPs may be the ILs

We are actually the WASPY ones in the family, other PP.

OP it sounds like you just plain don't like your ILs. Maybe you need to host a family event and then you can do it your way. Now that you know your ILs style you should just eat beforehand, or bring snacks for the kids. You won't change them so it is best to adapt.

And like others have posted we typically plan on serving dinner about 1-1.5 hours after guests arrived. The exception is an open house at the holidays in which case we have the food available as soon as guests arrive, including dessert since people can come and go and we don't mandate a dinner hour and a dessert hour. We hire someone to keep the food replenished, although occasionally we will run out of a specific item. But we always make sure we have an excess of at least a couple of things as a backup.

In our family it's apps/chips/dip/cheese when you arrive, then about an hour or so later the main meal. Then dessert one (the ice cream or pudding course) and later dessert two (cake) and coffee.

We're not the worlds most "ethnic" Italians, but even with all the WASP infiltration into the bloodlines, the cardinal rule is you never, ever, have hungry people and you always have plenty of food. When in doubt, add another thing or up the amount. I have some friends who are lovely people, but the hostess never makes enough food. We've all learned to volunteer to bring "sides" when going there, and there's a backroom agreement to never let them host Thanksgiving.

If I'm serving a meal, I let my guests sit down, have a drink & wait until everyone arrives before I serve. I'd put something out to eat, though, especially for kids.

No we don't always have food out at family holiday meals. We all chat and hang out together while the meal is being prepared. Depending on the time of the meal we might put out appetizers but usually there would be an hour or so without food. Then we eat and sit around after with drinks and dessert.

OP your compaint shouldn't be so much that people don't eat right away -- your ILs actually do not have enough FOOD!

I would always bring extra food to your ILs house. If you show up late, do KFC drive through and pick up some sustenance!

Can you order pizza for everyone? That might help get the message through.

OP, what are the two families ethnicities? From what you wrote I would guess Italian/Greek or Indian and the ILs are Wasps.

I always have food out at first! I went to a friend's party once--bunch of families. There was one bag of chips and a bowl of salsa out for 1.5 hours. We were all putting our kids around the table rationing out the chips and THEN they started cooking. The invite had only put 2 hours for the party! I don't get it. I'm with you.

We always have hors d'oeuvres out when people arrive. Depends a bit on the occasion - in the summer, it might be chips & salsa & guac; veggies & dip, pita & hummus, etc. If it's a holiday, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, it would be more like cheese & crackers (baked brie!), little meatballs, cocktail shrimp, etc. We often - no matter what the occasion - have little pigs-n-blankets for the kids.

Meal/main event is generally about an hour after the arrival time. (i.e., summer time - 5pm bbq; we plan to have the main dish ready around 6:00-6:30)

Or do you make your guests wait awkwardly and uncomfortably?

Growing up we always served the food right away, as there was much of it and the food was part of the celebration. There were tons of people, relatives, neighbors, friends, coworkers and their guest. Everyone was made to feel welcome by endless food and drink (not always alcoholic). If you already had enough, fine we would sit around the table and tell stories or jokes or whatever until the wee hours. Come and go as you please; and often, people would go and get other people to bring back! Everyone seemed to know each other or at least had mutual acquaintances. If not, you were made to feel as if you knew each other forever by the end of the night. The television would never (!) be on, as that would be considered rude and it would make the guests feel you would rather be watching (whatever is on) than be with them.

So, DH's family celebrates VERY DIFFERENTLY. Most of the jokes are at others expense and we chew on carrots for three hours (seemingly) until the little ones have absolutely had it and want (need) to go home. Sometimes there is not enough food, and seconds are basically out of the question. MIL assumes that all children eat as her favored grand child (UGH), and leaves nothing for the children. We have been known to run into other guests at the drive in fast food on the way home. Once, we were late, and there was nothing left (even though we called and asked for food to be saved for the children only; and there have been countless other times the rest of the family has been made to wait because of the same old BS).

Anyway, its just not a nice experience. It doesn't feel much like a holiday. The birthday party thread on GP had me thinking - do you/your guests eat right away when you host? (I suppose I need another thread to talk about the rest - ha,ha)