I think it is poor form to invite a entire family except for one child. Yes, you can justify it that the older boy is friends of the Bar Mitzvah and the parents are friends of the couple. But any way you slice it, you are excluding a single member of the family. And that's just tasteless in my book.

Anonymous wrote:I think you can ask whether it was intentional (it's totally possible that they just recycled addresses from the older son's bar mitzvah when your dd was 2). But when asking, I would assure her that you were just wondering and would totally understand if they were not including younger children at the event.

If it was intentional, I still have to agree with 14:28.

OP here, this did cross my mind. What you said to mention sounds reasonable.
We're not Jewish so I'm not familiar with the customs and norms.
The only Bar Mitzvah I've ever attended in my life was the older son's.
I just know in our culture, you either invite the whole nuclear family or none of them to a similar event. I didn't realize it was often for kids only and not adults.

Do you think that the neighbor just used the previous Bar Mitzvah invite list and forgot to change it to include your DD? I also think that neighbors fall into a different catagory then school friends and that the whole family should be invite. But I always tend to be overinclusive!

I assume that the neighbors thought about inviting your daughter. They also thought about inviting the children of may other guests (including relatives).
They came up with some guidelines and applied it.

It is not about your family - or your daughter - it is about celebrating the Bar Mitzvah of the neighbor.

I think you can ask whether it was intentional (it's totally possible that they just recycled addresses from the older son's bar mitzvah when your dd was 2). But when asking, I would assure her that you were just wondering and would totally understand if they were not including younger children at the event.

If it was intentional, I still have to agree with 14:28.

I'm 14:32 and adding that my post is the standard US culture as experienced in my youth and over the ensuing decades.

Anonymous wrote:I would just ask her and explain that your dd really wants to be part of the celebration...or just politely decline.

That's inappropriate. Op shouldn't fish for an invitation for her 9 y.o. I agree with the pp who said it's like a wedding invitation. Let your DS go with one parent. They'll understand why.

In our experience with bar/bat mitzvahs, the child who is a classmate/friend is invited. If we are good friends with the family, we (parents) are also invited. The other kids in my family have never been invited, and I would never expect that they should be. {And if we (parents) are not close, only the one child is invited>}

I would rsvp yes and get her a sitter or playdate. The boys are friend's and DD is their son's friend little sister. Very doubtful the neighbors are inviting parents of all DS's friends.

But as their personal neighbor friends [separate relationship than the DS's] you and your DH are invited. In other words if you didn't have DS you and DH might be invited. My children went to many Bar and Bat Mitzvah's and I was not invited. They are big middle school social events - 9 year old would still be left out and are no relatives of yours to occupy her.

Or, yeah, ask your friend if you can just send your son with another family or something. I would not treat this as a family party and your friend has no right to be hurt if you don't go -- if she wanted the family she would have invited the family.

I would just ask her and explain that your dd really wants to be part of the celebration...or just politely decline.

I would treat it as a birthday party for the 13 year old, where parents are invited because there is some distance involved?

I would respond yes for you and your son, and tell your friend your husband can't go because he will be staying home with the 9 year old.

I would feel emotional too (angry, protective, pissed off!)

You would NOT be making excuses. You can't go because "Jane" was not invited. We are staying home with her. Ask if "Jack" can be dropped off?

OP, I think this falls into the category of not inviting kids to a wedding.

Don't raise a stink, just be gracious and go. If your husband is going to be a pill, then have him stay home with your daughter and you go with your son.

It is not the kind of thing you throw away a friendship over.

Any thought on how to handle this situation?
Our neighbors are terrific, nice people. Our DS and their DS are close in age and have been buddies since they were 6 years old. We just got an invite from the neighbor for the son's Bar Mitzvah. It was specifically addressed to DH, DS and me. Our 9yo DD was not on the invite. When their older son had his Bar Mitzvah our DD was not invited (the neighbor told me she would not be inviting her as she was only 2yo at the time and 'there will be nothing for her to do there'). I was fine with that, she was barely 2 and its not like she would have a great time.

However, this time she is 9, she saw the invitation as soon as it came, she read it and is now really excited to be going, she loves the neighbor kid, she's talking about getting a new dress, and looking forward to going.

1) I feel uncomfortable asking the neighbor to include her, I would feel like she would be compelled to tell me to bring her but if they wanted her there in the first place they would have invited her.
2) I do feel a little slighted that the whole family was invited except her (like I said, I understood last time, she was really young
3) If we don't go, my neighbor's feelings will be hurt, the boys are really close
4) DH will be furious and won't go without DD, it will certainly impact the friendship we have with the neighbors. In our culture (DH is not American born), this is a huge slight and insult.

I don't know if I should talk to her, just make up an excuse to not go, or what.
Any thoughts?